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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ask Mama Tao- Birthing Pod Cast

Dear Mama Tao:

Although the home birth of my little Abednego a month ago was spiritually redemptive, having suffered unnecessarily through Rape-of-Birth-Experience with the hospital extractions of the first two (as you made me see!  Hugz!), I seek something even more empowering with my next birth experience.  So I have decided to accelerate my journey toward Birth Goddessdom by live-blogging and web-casting this time (we're TTC already!).  

I envision myself deep in a primeval forest in the light of a full moon, surrounded by chanting Buddhist monks and the dulcet sounds of Enya wafting through the trees, while the world witnesses the most intimate moment of my life with collective bated breath.  Plus I will make sure the camera only catches me from my good side.  It will doubtless go far in making up for the inadequacies of my first two births! I'm tearing up just thinking about it!

Because my pelvis shape always seems to prolong baby's descent (simply variations of normal and nothing repositioning won't solve), I will probably labor a good ten days or more, which will provide plenty of time for the web-cast to go viral.  Perhaps even "Dr." She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (manipulative shrew!) will write about it, driving even more traffic my way.  That way scores of womyn will see how blissful and empowering birth is, provided one makes the right choices, surrounds oneself only with positive support, Trusts Birth (TM), and realizes that this is what our bodies are MADE for!

Do you have any suggestions for elements I might add to my performance?  And what should I do to prepare myself for the inevitable insults hurled my way by the sheeple who don't believe in evidence-based care?

((((((((((((Me))))))))))))))))))

Bunnies and Flowers


Dear Bunnies and Flowers,

As Richard Gere sang in "Chicago" I think you should "give ‘em the old razzle dazzle". Some of the best elements of stage work include costumes and lighting.
Anything sparkly will surely gain the attention of the sheeple and those who are already birthing goddesses. I highly suggest you and your birthing partner visit your local thrift store and buy up all the glittery and colorful clothes you can find. Audiences are always awed by multiple costume changes so see if you can work a few in.
Perhaps you and your husband can also find some cheap colored lighting gels to hold up in from of your lamps. Setting the mood will be a huge part of the performance. Try changing the colors to match your pain filled screams. Red should be saved for the actual moment of birth as it will wash out the hemorrhaging!
Finally, if you find you are in the mood before you deliver, try to work in a few Ginger and Fred style tap dances--you can even make up lyrics to go along with what you are doing!

Best of Luck to you! I know you you'll be a star! Send us the link when you get your pod cast started.
~Mama Tao~

22 comments:

  1. Oh I would SO watch that !!

    You'll be an internet SENSATION !!

    Everybody will know your name ad the brave brave thing you did to give yourself a REAL earthsiding !!

    I bet the birth experience reminder will be dead chuffed when it grows up and realizes that the whole world has its first baby pictures on their hard drive ( =

    I know I particularly treasure the ones of my little Gugggie as her little face was framed by my blessed vulva for the few hours we waited for the rest of her to emerge.

    We used that one as our family christmas card picture that year, people said it really made an impression.

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  2. Unschoolier Than ThouMarch 22, 2011 at 12:18 PM

    OMG you are so vaginally awesome!!!! I for one will be superglued to my computer cheering you on.

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  3. Wowie !

    When I first read this I admit I thought ‘why would you want to do that, you attention seeking freak ?’


    Then I read the rest of your post and realised that is hardly a bad thing.


    Thank you for doing this and I hope your birth experience reminder is cute ! x

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  4. Bestest news ever in the world !

    Well, since you announced your pregnancy itself.


    Yay, I can pretend to be you ..I mean.. there !

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  5. I’m so over excited!!

    So how will you let us readers know?

    A post on this blog?

    Good Goddess, I’m going to be stalking you!

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  6. When my midwife asked me if I wanted a video taken of the birth when talking over my perfect birth plan, so the baby would know what i wanted well in advance, I said “Do what!? This is a hallowed sacred birth experience, not a home video op!”

    4 years and 4 birth experiences later my SINGLE regret is that I didn’t have the birth experiences on tape to enjoy them again and again and again. just think we could even play them at dinner parties as a backdrop tp my interpretative dance routine to celebrate my birth experiences !

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  7. I’m super excited that you’re going to be sharing your stretching and yawning yoni with all of us.

    And your-post birth glistening, weeping vagina weary but so proud of fulling its one true pupose.

    All the best vibrations in the world for your hallowed passage!

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  8. Oh I am SO excited that you’ve chosen to do this for everybody's sake!

    Thank you for being willing to publically spread your legs for what I’m sure will be a super wonderful experience!

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  9. I’m so super thrilled that you’ll be sharing the birth of your birth expereince reminder with millions of us!

    My husband and I are very keen on looking at your vagina !

    And the birth.

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  10. Oh hey there ! You gonna have like 77,274,351 doulas at your birth experience tweeting pics of your dilation and encouraging you to get the camera closer to where the action is every step of the way!!!

    Power to you moonsister !

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  11. Please be my friend ! You are famous now. Please like me and notice me (=

    ((((((I want to be you)))))))))))

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  12. Elfin Laugh At DawnMarch 22, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    SO SO SO SO SO SO SO super super super super super happy-tastical to hear of this super fablous super news!

    You are going to inspire so many women to go to even greater etremes in both birth experience and self promotion!

    Thank you-now, in advance, and in your former lives- for being super couragous and hyper honest enough to do this fo us and all the other millions of viewer.

    I am just over the moon excited to see your vigina, I always wondered what it looked like !!!!!!!!!

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  13. (backs slowly out of the sycophant infested blog space....verrrrrrryyyyy slowly...do NOT startle the birth-nutters with any sudden movement...)

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  14. ENEMY OF BIRTH WARNING! ENEMY OF BIRTH WARNING!
    I cannot BELIEVE you don't want to participate in viewing my nether regions!! What's WRONG with you, Anonymous??? Get therapy!

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  15. Peaceful PacifistMarch 22, 2011 at 1:26 PM

    BEAT THE FUCKER TO A PULP !

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  16. Will you be selling necklace lockets of lochia as souvenirs ?

    I'll take six if so.

    They would make wonderful stocking fillers for my girls !

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  17. Holy shit.

    You people are crazy.

    I don't want to think what your kids are going to turn out like.

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  18. Birth experience reminder ?

    It's a BABY, you know the POINT of giving birth, a live, healthy BABY !

    It is just SICK to prioritize the experience of giving birth over the actual child.

    Please, do not have any more children until you have dealt with your issues.

    You are putting your baby at risk of harm or even death with your birth choices. You need to think about that.

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  19. Peaceful PacifistMarch 23, 2011 at 5:32 AM

    STOP WAVING THE DEAD BABY CARD BITCH

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  20. Sam, if shouldn't be that hard to understand that a live well birth baby can't the sole priority.

    It takes between 5 and 12 months to "cook" a baby (depending on which variation of normal you are) so a woman is naturally limited in how many birth experiences she can have in her lifetime.

    Bear in mind that some children just ruin everything for her by not listening to the birth plan and colluding in her birth-rape and it is logical that time is even more of the essence.

    It is perfectly normal and reasonable, not to mention common sense, at that point to focus on the quality of the birth experience, because the baby will turn out fine anyway.

    Probably.

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  21. ModerateBertha, I really appreciate your moderate views. You bring a voice of real balance and moderation to this forum that helps "keep us honest."

    ((((((((((Bertha)))))))))))))))

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  22. (((((((((((((((((((bunniesandflowers))))))))))))))))))))

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