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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Hills are ALIVE with the sound of MUSIK

Now this is a story all about how,

Our boobs got flipped, turned upside down.


And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there
,


I’ll tell you how I became the Queen of this thing called Nature.



In the west of the suburbs, born and raised,


At the chiro, is where I spend most of my days.


Lactating, AP’ing, doing yoga in the nude,


And passing out awareness cards inside of Whole Foods.



When a couple of bitches, who were up to no good,


Started bottle feeding in my neighborhood.


I gave them one little tip and they got mad.


I tell you, why can’t they see that breastfeeding is so rad?



I whistled for my pals and when they came near,


I could smell strong incense, patchouli, and their unwashed hair.


If anything, I saw that they started to fret,


But I thought, nah forget it, let’s go to Target!



We were blocking the aisles by seven or eight,


And we yelled at the shoppers, “My baby has to eat!”


Breastfeeding our babies, we were finally there,


To sit on our thrones, as the Queens of Nature.


~~ Lyrics by DJ *D*S*C

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

10 reasons not to trust your OB


  1. Your OB is probably a man.
  2. Men don't have a Yoni.
  3. If he has no yoni he's never charted his cycle to know exactly when he ovulates.
  4. he has no ovaries.
  5. he has no uterus.
  6. If he has no uterus he's never been pregnant.
  7. If he's never been pregnant he's never been in labor.
  8. If he's never been in labor he's never felt contraction surges.
  9. If he's never felt contraction surges he's never had a natural birth.
  10. If he's never given birth naturally he's not an expert on natural birth.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Emily: A Lesson in Logical Fallacies

A few days ago I was trolling over at The Skeptical OB, like I normally do on Sundays, when I came across a young NCBer who wast trying to call Dr. Amy out for being a troll. Now we all know Dr. Amy is a troll, but not by the definitions that this young woman named "Emily" was using.

Emily stated that Dr. Amy was a troll because she was mean and ugly. I did some research at my old University  and found the real definition of "Troll" and provided it to Emily so that she may better her trolling skills. I also offered to teach her about the noble art of SPAM.

In a moment of embarrassment for misunderstanding the term "troll", Emily deleted her post....but she later returned....as Ginger. Now rememeber that "Emily" is "Ginger" even when she is "Emily".

Ginger:
TROLL
noun/trōl/

The action of trolling for fish

A line or bait used in such fishing

An e-mail message or posting on the Internet intended to provoke an indignant response in the reader

. . . . . .

Sorry but you ARE a troll. You troll websites, comments sections, profiles, just to find someone to beat up on. Do you really think that kind of behavior commands respect? If you want to be the authority, you don't gain it by being a bully to silly mom bloggers on Babble. That just makes you a troll, not a serious professional to be given respect.

One thing that sticks out in my mind is your post "sure my baby died but look at the benefits to me." I'm still disgusted by that. Some woman who had her baby die at a home birth, and you were vicious! Instead of reaching out, asking her to see where she went wrong, explain how she was lied to by her midwife, maybe tell her story on Hurt By Homebirth, you FOLLOWED her around the internet. You copy and pasted her grieving words on a spiritual website and made fun of her! What kind of a professional does that? Why do you think you should be treated as a valid member of the medical community when you write things like that?

I hate to break it to you, but you say MUCH worse DAILY about women than calling them a troll.

Your tactics will be your undoing.


Mama Tao: Welcome back, Emily! I see you have changed your name and updated your reply to contain some of the information I gave you last time. Your trolling is coming along just fine, Emily. I super proud of you. You were totally right to cut and run last time because that answer was weak baby. Glad you're learning.
Come see me sometime themamatao.blogspot.com
Bye Emily!


Mama Tao: Now for your second lesson, Emily--SPAM!

Years ago, Emily, when the internet was new and a website was attacked by a troll, all of the members of that site would run off the troll by repeating the word SPAM (Yes, just like Monty Python!!)
Now Emily, I will show you how that works, Emily!

Mama Tao: SPAM
Mama Tao: SPAM
Mama Tao: SPAM
Mama Tao :You see what I'm doing here, Emily?  SPAM
Mama Tao: SPAM
Mama Tao:Now you try, Emily....say SPAM! Mama Tao:Say SPAM , Emily....
Mama Tao:EMILY!!! Where are you? SPAM
Mama Tao: SPAM?
[Now at this point, you're prolly thinking like I was: that kooky Emily was not going to reply....but she does! The next part has edited out some random people because they bore me]
Emily:Dear Mama Tao,

Are you stoned? On your second quart of box wine? Out of Xanax? Because you sound like a freak.

I'm not "Emily". Believe it or not, there are many people out there who think Dr. Amys personal vendettas and toxic demeanor ruin her message. And replying with the word "spam" 10 times just reinforces the point. Childish and closed-minded.

I will congratulate you however on having the most trivial and immature response seen on a blog to date. Well done.

Now get back to working on your mediocre parody birth blog. Instead of pestering people and embarrassing yourself, you need to focus on new material. That blog you pedal all over the internet is getting old fast. It makes a knock knock joke sound refreshing and innovative.
attitude devant :the word is "peddle" Ginger [She means Emily]
Emily: Thank you attitude devant.

That was a very important notation. I am writing a formal complaint to Steve Jobs at Apple regarding that auto correct suggestion and how it completely changed the meaning and tone of the comment. I'm glad you specifically (and swiftly) responded to my terrible error.

In the future, I will submit all hastily typed messages on a three inch keyboard to a formal editor so as not to confuse you with any horrific mistakes (see above). My deepest apologies.



Or maybe you are just being obnoxious and the only mistake you could argue with is an auto correct suggestion.
Emily: [Now here, Emily uses her real name and stops playing Ginger...I am guessing she thinks that I don't know Ginger is Emily] LOL, this is not me. I have no problem posting under my name. I deleted my original comment because I didn't need negativity and stress over something ridiculous
Mama Tao: Now now Emily, You doth protest too much! Now that you have two profiles going on
I'm getting a bit confused :/ Oh well!

SPAM
S
P
A
M
!
And Emily, It's really easy to attack a straw man, but most people don't waste time doing it! You're extra special!
Just remember that opinions are like assholes, and yours...........has prolly merged with your vagina after your 4th degree tear you refuse to have fixed after your 4th UC homebirth! It makes you a natural womyn, Emily! Rock it out!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Mr. TAO is Jealous



 So apparently Mama Tao has a secret admirer for St. Valentine's day!!! Oh boy was I surprised when I went to the mailbox and discovered a box with no return address.  
Being the free loving spirit and trusting soul that I am of course I opened and awwwwwwwwww

Isn't the face just the most precious babe that you've ever seen ((((((( <3 )))))))

And the the animation in the eyes is just so lovely

Is that a Placenta?!?!?!

Delayed cord clamping FTW!!!!

Awww someone knows me so well a Mama who would sooner have her arm cut off than ruin her child's vagina birth! Mr. Tao is not thrilled that someone else got me such a personal gift, but he's still a great lover!
Hmmmm This pair need names.  Any suggestions?



Happy St. Valentine's day to everyone
Love always,
Mama Tao


Friday, February 8, 2013

Nemo? Isn't he a gimp fish

What a bunch of pansies we have here in.  Goddamn people this is New England, snow it happens.  And we are land of the massholes since when do we go run and hide over a measly few feet of snow??


And Mama Tao, Mr. Tao and the entire themamatao.com team will be damned if the gubment is going to tell us what to do!  
So just for our fans we have some pictures of how to drive right in this snow.  How you ask? Why in  a VW bus of course.


Don't be a dumbass and try and use a fancy smancy plow truck.

Stay tuned, after we're done playing in the snow.  We'll be updating with some storm safety tips.
Namaste my friends



Sunday, February 3, 2013

All natural skin care




Are you looking for all natural ways to keep your skin looking 

beautiful and maybe some natural make ups that can bring out your

natural beauty?? Well, wymyn, look no farther than at home. Want

younger looking skin?? Just collect your menstrual blood and rub

some into the skin. It will also help the skin to feel firmer. 

Blood has so many life giving properties and helps give your skin

it’s beautiful coloring. Another tool in this arsenal can be 

provided by your significant other. That’s right, semen. It firms

the skin beautifully. Now, in order to prevent contamination, it

must come directly from the source. 

Do you want rosey cheeks?? 

Look at your flower beds! There is a beautiful purple plant, 

called a Wandering Jew, that you can use. Just rub the leaves 

onto your cheeks for an instant rouge.


Need a natural skin cleanser?? Acquire some maize and create a 

poultice. You can rub this poultice on the skin and rinse off 

with diluted urine. Urine can also be a fabulous hair cleanser 

for those of us who no-poo!! 

Speaking of hair, did you know you can rub meconium into your 

tresses for it’s conditioning effects?? For any placenta you 

don’t cook, you can puree and rub into your hair as a leave in 

treatment. Shh, I’ve also heard that placenta erases wrinkles,

but that’s our secret!


If your partner is still intact, you can use his discharge,

called smegma, as a lip balm. He can collect these secretions

for you. If you to plump up your lips, add a few drops of 

jalapeno juice to the smegma. If you want some color, add berry 

juice!!

Do you need eyeshadow?? Go no farther than your outside cooking 

area. Collect the soot and rub on your eyelids as desired! 

If you need a good exfoliation, look no farther than Poison Ivy!

It does wonders for the skin. It is nature’s chemical peel. I 

mean, who needs nasty chemicals on your skin when you can have 

natural juices on it??
Wymyn, let’s keep this our little secret!! When those chemical-

laden women see how beautiful we are, they are bound to be 

jealous and ask our secret as a way of trying to be like us. We 

must keep these close to our chest, lest big pharma try to 

recreate these effects!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What is that awful smell??



Well as you bitches already know Mama Tao is all about all things nachural and parenting.  While chit chatting with one of my awesomesauce crunchtastic mama friends she mentioned doing ACV (apple cider vinegar for those of you creamy posers who read my shit) rinse on her hair and how it left it so ammmmmmmmmmmazing.  Shocked that there was a use for ACV that I had already not tried, I knew I had to try this as.soon.as.fucking.possible.
Seeing as I'm very natural it was a few weeks before I was due for a good scrubbing and today was the day that I tried it.   
So I filled up a recycled glass tumbler of AVC and headed for the showers.....
then things got interesting
first the vinegar mixed with the shower steam loosened all of my secretions in my sinuses so I took about 15 or 20 minutes blowing snot rockets around the shower to get all the old junk out of there (calm your tits bitches no precious water was wasted I used recycled rain water for my shower then I use it to water my organic 'erb garden).  After the snoz was cleared out I did my usual routine, rebraided my armpit hair etc.  Then came time to do the rinse...
Well she said mix 50:50 water and AVC and put it on after you shampoo, rub it into your scalp wait a few minutes then rinse it all out.
MEH, OKAY easy enough I though....... BUT I WAS FUCKING WRONG
As soon as I dumped that cup over my head the ACV STUNG my eye like the venom of A THOUSAND SCORPIONS and I could not see worth shit.  So of course I stepped in some left over snot rockets and slipped crashing my naked ass out of the shower...Oh but it gets better..
Once I could get my snotty, wet naked ass up and back into the shower I tried to rinse that stuff out.  And try as I might, THE STANK would not leave me.
So now Mama Tao smells like a cross between cheap salad dressing and the ladies room at the playboy mansion.  THAT'S RIGHT I SMELL LIKE A GIANT WALKING BOTTLE OF MASSENGILL DOUCHE.  That's right DOUCHE.  So my official stance on ACV rinse is FUCK THAT NOISE, I'M STICKING TO NATURAL PLACENTA SHAMPOO!!!!! 
.
.
.
Therez is nothing natural about douche, don't put it in your yoni don't put it on your hair....... 


Mama Tao Out

Friday, January 18, 2013

Empowring UBA2C


First I would like to thank Mama Tao for giving me a place to tell my story.  It is my hope to inspire women to know that their bodies aren't broken and all you have to do is believe for miraculous things to happen.
My Name is Mimi RaRa and my story starts almost 4 years ago when I fell pregnant with my first child.  It is now hard to look back at that time with any joy knowing what I know now.  I chose OB care and hospital delivery.  I believe that I was forced into a C-Section.  They did everything all the real moms told me they would to scare me.  They told me at an ultrasound that my baby was suspected to be over 10lbs.  When I didn't go into labor at 41 weeks they said I needed to be induced to ensure the survival of my baby.  I didn't know it then but they were clearly trying to schedule my birth around their whims and PLAYING THE DEAD BABY CARD.  But I was just a sheeple and I allowed the induction.  Well after the cascade of interventions my baby went into distress and they took her by C-Section.  At the time I was overjoyed but now all I can look back and feel is frustration and anger.  Avalia Louise was born at 11lb 2oz with a 2x nuchal cord.  Those horror show physicians made me think they did me a great favor and saved the life of my daughter.  But really they are ones that endangered it in the first place.
I found I was pregnant with DD2 at my 6 week check-up.  I was happily railroaded into another section because they felt my pregnancies were too close together.  My little La Ja'na Tulip was 10lb 6oz.  At the time life was blissful, I had my 2 little girls and things just couldn't be better. 
Now that I was Mom to 2 babies I looked to the internet for some entertainment and socializizing.  And that is where I learned about the horror of birthrape that was forced upon myself.
I started reading and talking with any and everyone I could.  I got angrier and angrier.  How dare these "doctors" doubt my boby and my baby.  We as women are made to do this.  Our babies have an innate innteligence they do not grow too large, nor do they come before they are ready.  Like the fruit on the vine.  I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to have a healing natural birth.  I had to show myself and the world that a baby could pass from my vagina.  I learned through the culture of the group I was entering that a baby passing through my vagina was the only way I was ever going to be a real empowered mother and woman.  I didn't really want another child but how else was I going to heal?
I became pregnant quite quickly after my decision.  I was so thrilled at the thought of having my natural healing birth.  But as all my new friends told me the doctors told me that the safer option was RCS.  No matter how many google printoffs I showed them, no matter how many articles on Ina May I gave them they wouldn't budge.  I could not fail again.  So I left OB care and decided to UC my baby at home.  My vagina was going to open and a baby was going to come out of it.  It is what my body was made to do. 
The rest of my pregnancy was easy breezy.  Late one night I started to feel low slow rushes and I knew the time was near.  I swayed to the song of my cervix until the rushes were becoming hard to stand through.  So I grabbed my camera and got into the tub.  The moment was almost here!  I was going to get my stingray.  No more tiny vagina for me. 
                                            
There's my tub full of my home flora and fauna and germs.  No more taking risks getting something awful from a supposedly sterile hospital.
                                           

The rushes were getting almost unbearable.  But finally my water broke!  The time for my vagina to come into empowerment was here.                                         


I started to feel the urge to push.  So I pushed will all my might.  And well sometimes shit happens.  But it was natural so I just pushed on.
                                         
It was a grueling 6 hours of pushing, but I just knew that with every push my stingray was that much closer.  Then I could be a new real woman.                                         

Stingray born into water.  I named her Love Empowerment.  All natural.  Oh there was a baby there too another girl I called her Savia Vagania because she saved my life and gave me the vagina I always wanted.  This time life was indeed beatiful.   
Now I have one AH-MAZING Stingray for a vagina, one beautiful perfect little girl who gave her mother the best gift of all, a NUCBA2C, two other kids too.  I am so grateful to have been able to prove those doctors wrong and push a baby out of me.  Nothing can top that feeling. 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Screw the Flu


Pffft, come on now ladies!! Too many Big Pharma shills trying to make you sick with things like "flu shots" since if they make you sick you'll see the doctor more often and then they will get more kickbacks from Big Pharma for all the RX drugs they give you.  Don't be duped.
The Flu is just Dark matter and the Flu vaccine is a joke.



So don't be a sucker, avoid toxic vaccines.  
  1. Drink some Placenta infused whiskey tinicture
  2. use Kale leaves to wipe the babies nose then Mama should eat them so she can produce antibodies in her milk for the baby. This also works for anyone else in the family you want to feed your breast milk
DON'T FORGET THE ONIONS



Thursday, January 10, 2013

Good Birth attendant Tips

      What happens when the only things bright and vibrant about your birthing Mama are her hair, makeup and birth accessories?  What happens when her skin is ashen gray and she's no longer responsive?  Quite often what is happening is that Mama is experience a Postpartum Hemorrhage (abbreviated as PPH
     You often her medwives and OBs blabbering on about Active management of the third stage of labor (Abbreviated AMTSL) but any good holistic midwife knows that the need for traction and uterotonic drugs is a load of fearmongering and hogwash.
     All you need is to cut off a chunk of the placenta if it has expelled or if not cinnamon hard candies work in a pinch.  Make sure that you're using real cinnamon candies not some artificial sugar free GMO HFCS garbage.
Happy Clotting ladies


XOXOX
Harmony

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Welcome to The Mama Tao Team.... Harmony

Harmony River-Rain Revolution
We'd like to give a Big Mama Tao style welcome to Harmony River-Rain Revolution, our newest member of the team.  Harmony is a seasoned Midwife with more than 20 births under her belt.  She is an amazing photographer and will be using her skills to capture birth photos for the blog.  Harmony will be acting as chief editor here at themamatao.com.  Her duties will enclude both the literary editing and visual editing.
Hoping that she likes us and feels a warm and cozy welcoming from the readers, as well as, the rest of the team.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Dear Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I need a birth-related project for the lint I collect from my dryer vent.  Any suggestions?
The lint is gray.

signed,
A disenfranchised Gen X slacker

Dear slacker,
dryer lint has many birth uses.  You can weave a reboz to use to help during labor with stuck bebehs.  You can use it to stuff you hand knit tampons uppin there absorbing powers.  Or just use it to seal up a rectovaginal fistula
love,
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I am pregnant but I can't be sure when I conceived.  I don't chart.  How can I find out when I don't want to get one of those dangerous sonograms
signed,
knocked up in MI

Dear knocked up,
babies come when they are ready who cares when you conceived.  love,
Mama Tao


Dear Mama Tao,
Do Garlic and yogurt have any other uses besides, well you know....in the chacha, the way nature intended.  Because Mah neighbor said something about tzatziki, it's like this Greek thang?  I just can't imagine using that stuff, for, like, food.  Do people actually EAT those there thangs?  
signed,
Ooohmpah

Dear Ooohmpah,
anything you can put in your yoni you can put in your mouth.  Ooooom nom nom and it will also help keep yer guts healthy and teh yeasts out.
love, 
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I had my baby 10 months ago and I still have not stopped bleeding.  I had a fourth degree tear but my midwife just told me to keep my legs closed.  I have not opened them in almost a year.  Why can't I heal like Nature intended?
signed,
Horny in Appalachia

Dear Horny,
Pfffft trust yer sacred yoni and get some dryer lint. And FFS keep yer damn legs closed.
Love, 
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
why does my son have tongue-tie and eczema? Oh and asthma? What did I do while preggo with him to cause all these problems? I know it must be my fault! And if not, then it certainly is my doctor's! Who's to blame?
And before you respond, you should know I don't put much stock in scientific studies.  I've tried coconut oil, GSE, GV, and donor milk and nothing has helped!  Who should be held responsible?
signed, 
Shittay moma

Dear Shittay,
first use google to find Robert S. Mendelsohn, M.D. and if you're not too poor you should buy his books too.  BUT MEh who needs books when you have teh google research?   I don't believe scientifc studies and neither does Mendelsohn prefer the Emperical evidence to science mularkey.  
Well........ as far as blame.  your doctor is to blame for being brainwashed and giving you terrible assvice like getting vaccines but you are to blame for being uneducated enough to listen to him.  google is your friend.
Love,
Mama Tao


Saturday, January 5, 2013

Whatz behind dose curtains


So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.


Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!
I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::


The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.


The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  


 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??


Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.


Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.


 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  
As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.


Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.
I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!




A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there


A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa


A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!


A Magik Unicorn




You canz evern make her horn haz glitters



A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild



RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!


all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Who We Are--The Wonderful Staff of Mama Tao--Part II


Ulrike Woodandfelt
Ulrike Woodandfelt is a very talented ND, CPM, Holistic Minister who lived in Stockholm, Germany with her genatilly intact husband and her three virgin daughters. She love the study of Ultrasound and its dangeroud effects on the brains of babies and Mothers.


Goldenwolf Mooncloud
Goldenwolf Mooncloud, age 30, is the mother to seven: Quicksilver Bean (10), Jupiter Odin (9), Jane (7), Stormy Rainbow (6), Resplendent Quetzal (4), and twins Mushroom and Seagull (2). She and her life partner Mustang hope for an eighth baby soon! Her favorite parts of motherhood are baby/toddler/tweenwearing and super-extended nursing. Goldenwolf also loves being a healer – she is trained as a homeopath, an aromatherapist, a yoni massage therapist, a knitting therapist and a tarot reader. She hopes to soon learn about mud therapy and drum therapy from Mustang’s dear mother, Oaktree, an expert in both healing modalities.



Mother X
Lactivism Lizzie

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Nachural cosmetics!


finally something natchuural to make you Mama's look your best for yourselves (only a slave to the man would care what anyone else thinks) Here is a new line coming to a Natural Market Place near you soon by apothacary guru **Luna Marie Drain**

vernix facial moisturizer

meconium hair gel
amniotic fluid mouth wash and parefume
Baby's first pee facial toner
Breastmilk after bath splash
 Amniotic fluid douche. Keep your yoni baby fresh!
Meconium mascara 
cord blood blush
Lochia under eye moisturizer
Placenta hair conditioner
sperm facial mask
and as a free gift when you buy the set a limited edition Placenta cosmetic bag-all the 

products come inside and the handle is the umbilical cord.


I can't wait to get my paws on this to review it for all my readers!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Last minute gift ideaz

I saw some other bloggers making midwifery bags for their spawn and I was appalled at how lame those were and how much was lacking from them.  come on now, letz get real for a moment and teach 'EM what being a DEM is really all about.  SO I MADE some of my own and you can too!

Here is a layout of the entire kit and caboodle that I threw together
~ A *WINNER* sticker since everyone one who has a HBAC is a winner unlike those losers who birth with OBs, MFM, or CNM in hospitals
~ Some Iodine so you can pretend you give a shit a bout infection controling
~ Some suture....ahaha poor sucker not like you'll ever use this and you can just tell Moma to keep her legs closer for 6 weeks since nachural healing is better than stitcheded
~A suture removal kit since yeah you'll fuck up her cooter even worse f you actually try to sew her up and need to remove that shit
 ~Some hand knitted floating pooopies
~A net so you can catch those floaters and sift them out of the kiddie pool that Moma is birfing in so she doesn't realize how damn fithy that water really is
~ A bag of expired meds that you have no idea how to use.  Hope the 9-1-1 operator can help you when moma has a PPH
~A bottle of EVERCLEAR Grain Alcohol (for you to drink and Moma) 190 PROOF make REALLY REALLY REALLY sure Mum fogetz how fucking horrible it and you were
 ~A doobie to set the mood of the room
~A play stethoscope...let's be real here a DEM doesn't know WTF to do with a real one so a pretend one is way cheaper to buy
 ~Some ACV since well I put that shit on everything
~ Fake blood concentrate.  To add to the realizm in teh brif pool
~A flashlight for looking up Moma's Yoni
 ~Blueberry infused Coffee and some industrial tubing.  Don't forget about the Coffee Enema
~ A Patchouli scented candle to cover the smell of ganja, poop, vomit and teh odder birf smellz
~ Don't forget something to knit so you can look busy while you tell Moma "TRUST BIRTH" and sit on your ass

 A beautiful organic hemp bag with *MIDWITCH* emblazed across it so evrybody knows zactly what you do
ANNNNNNNNNNND Some potassium chloride to kill the bitch with no trace so you can make an escape if  something goes wrongs....pfffft who pays for malpracticing insurance

Oh and ALWAYZ take homebirth pictures in black and white....NObodyz needs to see how nasty that shit it