10 reasons not to trust your OB

1. Your OB is probably a man.
2. Men don't have a Yoni.
3. If he has no yoni he's never charted his cycle to know exactly when he ovulates.
4. he has no ovaries.
5. he has no uterus.
6. If he has no uterus he's never been pregnant.
7. If he's never been pregnant he's never been in labor.
8. If he's never been in labor he's never felt contraction surges.
9. If he's never felt contraction surges he's never had a natural birth.
10. If he's never given birth naturally he's not an expert on natural birth.

Last minute gift ideaz

I saw some other bloggers making midwifery bags for their spawn and I was appalled at how lame those were and how much was lacking from them.  come on now, letz get real for a moment and teach 'EM what being a DEM is really all about.  SO I MADE some of my own and you can too!

Here is a layout of the entire kit and caboodle that I threw together

~ A *WINNER* sticker since everyone one who has a HBAC is a winner unlike those losers who birth with OBs, MFM, or CNM in hospitals
~ Some Iodine so you can pretend you give a shit a bout infection controling
~ Some suture....ahaha poor sucker not like you'll ever use this and you can just tell Moma to keep her legs closer for 6 weeks since nachural healing is better than stitcheded
~A suture removal kit since yeah you'll fuck up her cooter even worse f you actually try to sew her up and need to remove that shit

 ~Some hand knitted floating pooopies
~A net so you can catch those floaters and sift them out of the kiddie pool that Moma is birfing in so she doesn't realize how damn fithy that water really is
~ A bag of expired meds that you have no idea how to use.  Hope the 9-1-1 operator can help you when moma has a PPH
~A bottle of EVERCLEAR Grain Alcohol (for you to drink and Moma) 190 PROOF make REALLY REALLY REALLY sure Mum fogetz how fucking horrible it and you were

 ~A doobie to set the mood of the room
~A play stethoscope...let's be real here a DEM doesn't know WTF to do with a real one so a pretend one is way cheaper to buy

 ~Some ACV since well I put that shit on everything
~ Fake blood concentrate.  To add to the realizm in teh brif pool
~A flashlight for looking up Moma's Yoni

 ~Blueberry infused Coffee and some industrial tubing.  Don't forget about the Coffee Enema
~ A Patchouli scented candle to cover the smell of ganja, poop, vomit and teh odder birf smellz
~ Don't forget something to knit so you can look busy while you tell Moma "TRUST BIRTH" and sit on your ass

 A beautiful organic hemp bag with *MIDWITCH* emblazed across it so evrybody knows zactly what you do

ANNNNNNNNNNND Some potassium chloride to kill the bitch with no trace so you can make an escape if  something goes wrongs....pfffft who pays for malpracticing insurance

Oh and ALWAYZ take homebirth pictures in black and white....NObodyz needs to see how nasty that shit it

Forget What I said! Honey Badger Doesn't Give a SHIT!

Oh laws people! You need to do better "research". Had you done your online "education" about badgers BEFORE sugesting that they become the next magical animal midwife, you'd have found this lovely scientific video about the Honey Badger! Much like a CPM he does not GIVE A SHIT!!



http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6415230/the-crazy-nastyass-honey-badger

HOLY SHIT
The next midwife on the poll is a Rock...so...have fun with that.

Rock Always Gives GREAT Birth Orgasms!

Monday Redos-day- Homebirth of a Lithopedion

We don't always like to talk about what happens when a miscarriage does not evict the body. We here at Mama Tao believe that all babies, even those who have passed, deserve the sanctity of the Mama's womb.

Sometimes after giving a baby weeks, months and years to pass without the "help" of a D&C, we find ourselves in physical possession of a lithopedion or Stone Baby. It is nature’s way of keeping your dead zygote form infecting your blood (Isn't nature wonderful?!). The body of your little on is calcified in your womb forever!

For some of us though, we want to be able to have more children and until we get this ghost baby out of us, we are unable to do so!

When it comes time to birth (and it IS birth) your stone baby, you need to go someplace where it is quite and you feel special and sacred! Some may choose their bed while others prefer a toilet! It's all up to you.

Begin the birth by drinking Pepsi, Coke or any processed food as it is the surest way to abort a baby!

You will have contractions much like a live birth and eventually your baby will pass. At this point you will have a lovely stone statue to place on your fire place mantle to always remember your loved one! And your womb will be free to have more babies!

Monday Redos-day--Premies At Home

What would you say if I told you that I had my second baby at 21 week at home? Some of you who favor the medical establishment might believe that is impossible. How is it that Mama Tao’s son was born at 21 weeks with fully mature lungs and weighing 7lbs 12 oz?

The answer is a combination of mind control and divination, intuition and trust in birth.

When I first started to go into labor I asked my body and my baby “Is it time for birth?” I then consulted the windshield wiper method of divination (You slap the rod that controls your wipers, if nothing happens your answer is no. If they turn on your answer is yes.)  The windshield wipers of my car turned on full speed! An overwhelming YES from nature and my baby! We were ready to birth.

The truth is that every one of us Mama’s gestates at a different pace. While some people say that even full term babies sometimes have trouble with immature lungs, this is simply because the Mama in question did not spend enough time visualizing her infant at full term—how is any baby supposed to thrive without positive thinking?

Because we all gestate differently it is possible for a baby to be born full term at 21-57 weeks and be perfectly healthy! You never know when exactly conception took place!

Now some of you might ask what to do if you get a "no" answer from the windshield wipers and yet you are still having contractions? The answer is simple—use the Freedom of Labor Breathing Technique!

Simply take a few deep breaths and tell your body to slow down. Some sheeple might call this “false labor” but we don’t believe that mush! No labor is false, it is simply your body connecting with the stars to perfectly time your babies zodiac!

So the next time you feel that your body might be going into labor early—stop and try to see if the universe is ready for this tiny soul to enter the world! Babies know what zodiac symbol they want to be!1!

Babies Die In Hospitals

By Soleil Moon
I have recently heard that there is a movement starting of women that are blaming their babies death on homebirth (with great midwives). This really concerns me.These women have to be lying. Babies live by being born at home. Hospitals and evil doctors are what kills babies. Midwives are well trained and educated and never make mistakes, ever. To blame midwives or homebirth for your child dying is downright disgusting. Every time a baby dies, it is because it was destined to die and could not of been prevented. Death is as natural as life.

Now, minions, if a mother insists that her baby died because of a midwife or homebirth, make sure you erase all mentions of it anywhere you can. These fabricated stories must be erased from existence. As long as they are erased, they cannot continue. If the mother starts her own cause whether it's a blog or facebook or twitter- make sure you are there. Call her out on her fabricated story. Let her know that you are on to the lies! If she continues, gently remind her that SHE failed. Make her second guess herself and feel badly. Our job is not done until she is broken and fully accepted that either her baby's death was unpreventable or that the death lies 100% on her shoulders.

If we can keep fighting these "homebirth loss moms", we will make them go away so that they cannot tarnish the very things that we hold so dear. After all, what are a few dead babies when we have the freedom to have our babies any way we want with providers who will tell women yes when everyone else has told her no??? Stop trying to use images of death, sad mothers, or sad fathers to stop women from having birthing choices. Seeing an infant in a casket isn't that big of a deal! You got your birth, now let us have ours!

Spit Fire and Hell-Pampers!!!

A few weeks ago, we asked if you thought Home birth was getting too popular with the mainstream set. Well as it turns out, Home birth has become so damned popular that mainstream diaper company, Pampers is riding on our hairy yonis and populating the idea that anyone can have a home birth. We all know this is not the case but check out this video!

Like anyone who gives birth in a fecal filled pool is going to grace their baby's sweet ass with the likes of a chemically produced, earth killing, disposable diaper? WTF? The last thing that Home birth needs is Pampers!

I spent the afternoon crash calling their US office at 1-800-Pampers and telling them I was going to queef in their pudding if they didn't pull the ad. I suggest you do the same. I also know that my blog is filled with Pro-Science Spies who will call pampers and yell about the CDC and the findings that Home birth has 2xs the amount of death rates as a hospital birth and I hope that you do! Ha! We need to get this thing off the air before no one cares that I am a Birth Goddess!!

(Press 0 to talk to a human)

Homebirth is Safer Than Going to the Dentist--Monday Redo-sday

I’m going to level with you friends, and fellow NATURE nuts. We are getting to the point in our history where we might finally be able to take birth back into our own hands. Homebirths are on the rise as our sisters’ force the medical establishment--with their facts and logic--to pry their sticky and greedy hands off of our collective vaginas.

But there are those out there that doubt their own bodies and try to force that doubt on us. Many people refuse to bow to the beauty of homebirth and continue to insist that it’s a dangerous and archaic practice that forces women to be in hours of stressful pain. They could not be further from the truth.

We here at the Mama Tao know that the pain of childbirth is ours to endure because of the acts of evil committed by Eve in the Garden of Eden…and we believe that every woman deserves this experience for herself. Your child’s birth will be the single most important thing you do in your life. No other moment will live up to this and if you screw it up , you will regret it eternally.

To prove to you doubters once and for all that childbirth is safe, I’d like to go over some facts with you. Going to the dentist is more dangerous than homebirth! Yes, I said it and I can prove it.

What is the first thing a dentist puts in your teeth when you have a cavity? If you said amalgam, you’re correct. But what exactly IS amalgam? I’ll tell you.

Amalgam is MERCURY! That’s right. When you open up your mouth for that dentist, he fills your busted tooth hole with Satan’s own piss! According to Wikipedia Mercury is “the only metal that is liquid at standard conditions for temperature and pressure;”

That’s right friends! Mercury is LIQUID at room temperature—how unnatural is that? And how exactly does that relate to homebirth? Let me tell you.

The risk of infant death in homebirth is 2.7 for every 1000 babies born. That seems like a lot, but it’s not when you compare it to the damage done by a dentist. For every 1000 people who get amalgam fillings 1000 people get exposed to Mercury! That’s right folks—you are a bizillion times more likely to be exposed to mercury than you are to lose you baby during a home birth—and those my friends, are the facts.

*sources http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercury_(element)

Refusing to be told NO! I like KNOW Better

Naughty Baby Still Knows How to Be Born!

Recently, one of my favorite bloggers, Mrs. Birthing Without Fear posted this lovely message on Facebook.


DO NOT let anyone...friend, family, care provider....tell you that you can't VBAC. That is not their choice. If they do not believe in you, your body and birth, they do not belong anywhere near your birth. They don't deserve the honor of witnessing your VBAC! Find people who will feel blessed to be involved in such an empowering experience with you! Your body was and is meant to birth YOUR babies!!! ♥ ~Mrs. BWF


Ah! Such lovely words my heart hath hardly heard (<---alliteration win!) . I can't imagine better medical advice to give out on the Internet. We as womyn SHOULD turn away from our heath care providers in droves and finally take our bodies back. We need to hold this moment as our own and never allow something like placenta previa or even a placental abruption stop you from the birth you want!

Current Mrs. BWF has a blog up about making the choice between a Midwife Assisted Birth or going Unassisted (and to be a real womyn those are your only options!)

Go on over and tell Mrs. BWF that Mama Tao and her crew support her 100%

Empowered by Steiner!

         As a Waldorf proponent, a homeschooler, a Homebirther, and a yoga instructor, I often have women coming to see me expressing their desire to do what I do everyday.  I receive numerous emails claiming that they wish they could look like me, walk like me, talk like me, dress like me, knit like me, homeschool their kids like me, and most importantly, birth like me.  I am flattered, but I can assure you that getting to where I am was no easy feat. 
        It took a lot of hard work, many rage releasing sessions, many times ripping out the grass on our front lawn in agony, and many interpersonal wars to get to this point.  I let women know that they can do it, but before they get there, they will have to go through the darkness and through the trials I’ve been through.  They will have to detox according to my program and most people don’t know how to detox correctly. 
          Most people don’t understand that part of detoxing is mothering your child in the best way possible, and that way is through Steiner’s methods. Steiner says we should not be teaching our children their abc’s until they are well past losing their baby teeth and can reach their arm around the back of their head and reach their opposite ear lobe.  How can we truly be showing love for our children when our children are holding carcinogenic plastic blocks made in China?  How can we truly be showing love for our children when we are feeding them hot dogs?  Steiner says that wooden toys are best for children.  They cost more, but everyone can find the money to pay up for wood as opposed to plastic.  If you can't find the money, there is always a way to work the system for some extra cash and doing so is noble when it comes to avoiding products from China! 
       Husbands also have to learn to come to worship and praise their woman’s Yoni on a daily basis.  This is hard in a world of porn and the illusion of the perfectly intact Yoni.  My yoni is even more beautiful as each tear from my multiple water births healed the way they were meant to be.  No stitching or cutting of the perineum here!  The philosophy I follow says that cutting the perineum could result in a pelvic-ocular block connection tied to the astral cord.  Once in place, to try to sever that block would be to unleash all of the rage of the world. 

      When it comes to birthing, I let moms know that birthing was not easy.  I felt the pain and the pleasure all at once.  I would never pump antibiotics and drugs into my body so that I could become a walking candida factory!  I would never insert the inorganic cotton and arsenic wands of Ahrimen into my Yoni.   I only use the Diva Cup which is what I advise all women to do.  I then place a bowl of menstrual blood in the center of our table so that the family can appreciate the fruit of my womb. The children then dilute it and water our plants.  Instead of desecrating my Yoni, I apply oils of love daily and sit in milk baths with frankincense to infuse my body with reverence while my kids use 100% organic wool to felt magical gnomes and fairies dedicated to their mother goddess!
        I have pictures on display of my home births on my walls and visitors appreciate the beauty of my ‘Real’ Yoni.  My family thinks me odd, but that is because, sadly, they are trapped in the Emotional Plague and cannot see truth.  They have not addressed their blocks and armor.  I am certain that some moms have Yoni jealousy when they view my pictures.  The fact is, I believed in myself and the power of my Yoni as a pathway of love and peace which is more than I can say for some of the c-section moms I’ve met. 
         I feel that it is my duty to inform them that they are submitting to violence by knife and giving their bodies to the Man.  I will do whatever it takes to drive this home for them because I incarnated into this life for this reason alone.  I may not make many friends, but it is because I speak Truth!  Their children are destined to become the Lucifers and Ahrimans of this reality because they bypassed the path of love and truth and instead were ripped into a realm that imprinted them with violent resonance.  The babies are born infected with Wilhelm Reich's Emotional Plague and they are immediately armored and locked down by the temperature/pressure shift from warm womb to cold operating room.  The mothers’ocular blocks prevent them from seeing that their pelvises were too heavily armored to birth their babies.  They couldn’t do it if they’d wanted to.  Reich said this would happen.  In fact, even if they did believe in themselves, they probably could not do it because the armored pelvis retains so much rage that it best stay under lockdown. 
          I am an ardent fan of Wilhelm Reich who has healed me from my plague and I have only treated my family with his methods.  My one son came to me one day and was wanting to draw with a color other than yellow.  Steiner says that a child must stay with the color yellow for it’s benefits are tied in to physical movement and this would include avoiding hard lines.  Children who color with beeswax crayons vibrate at a superior frequency to Crayola kids.  The presence of Crayola or other anything other than Stockmar Beeswax should be a warning sign that Ahrimen and Lucifer are present.  As penance, I sent my son to play with some gnomes and wooden blocks for several hours in the sunlight and after some yoga, he settled back down into the etheric.  Later, we talked and he cried about how he felt that I was angry with him after his water birth.  We both sat on the couch and cried and cried and then I administered the method I strongly recommend to other moms called ‘Holding Time.’  I have even used it on my husband with amazing results!  My son screamed and I cried and he turned blue in the face, but I did not let go of him, I held him tightly and firmly in my arms.  I just repeated over and over that he was in mama’s loving arms.  He looked terrorized and traumatized and for a minute I thought he would stop breathing, but that was a good sign.  We needed to break through.  We needed to expand.  We needed to be there together in that moment of terror and darkness to cross over to the bridge of love and light.  I realized that though I waterbirthed in peace and love, he never bonded with me.  I think we were enemies before this incarnation.             
         However, Steiner says he came back because we had unfinished business and, according to my daughter who has reached a state of clairvoyance and can now channel Steiner just in time for high school, we're just working out our Karma.  Whenever I meet a c-section mom who did not believe in herself or her power enough to at least try a VBAC, I tell her that Holding Time is essential as she not only did not bond with her baby, but will probably never bond.  My son and I flew to Guam several times to go for Reichian therapies and that is when we bonded after a re-water-birthing ceremony. 
        There was much pain and a lot of screaming and fear, we both nearly drowned, but this was what was necessary for us to re-connect as mother and child.  So, birthing goddesses, the next time you meet a c-section mom, understand that she is most likely envious of your powerful Yoni and that her pelvic armoring will keep her birthing by knife.  I no longer let my children play with kids birthed by knife.  Steiner says that Lucifer and Ahrimen are very real and as Waldorfers, we feel on the right path if we do what Steiner says. 

Love and Light,

Starseed Mama

The Hidden Risks of Natural Pain Relief"

By:Echo Dawndancer
Doula and Childbirth Educator



Fellow Earth Mamas,
I'm here to speak to you about something a lot of women don't even think about when planning their all natural, empowering, healing birth experiences. Did you realize that there is another person involved whose experience you may want to consider in your birth plan? No, I'm not talking about your midwife, I'm talking about the baby! Ladies, as you plan your homebirth, consider this: natural pain reduction methods harm your baby. And remember, it is never to early to start being a martyr for your baby. You're going to spend the next 28 years fostering a secure attachment and protecting your child from every slight pain or disappointment in life, why not start worrying a few minutes earlier? That's why, as a doula, I not only encourage women to forgo natural pain relief, but I actively try to increase pain in labor.
Obviously, those unfortunate mamas giving birth in hospitals don't love their babies or trust their bodies sufficiently. But what you may not know is that they are actively hurting their babies with their epidural addiction. I’ll try to make this as simple as possible. During labor, the mother’s body produces endorphins, naturally occurring opiate-like substances that influence the transmission of pain impulses. Endorphins present at the synapses of nerve cells result in the cessation of pain. Failure to release endorphins allows pain to occur. When pain medication is administered, natural endorphins are not produced. The epidural provides pain relief for the mother. This does not have the same effect on the baby (although it can depress the baby’s heart rate, etc). The endorphins produced during a non-medicated labor cross the placenta and provide pain relief to the fetus during the stress of labor and delivery. If mom isn’t making them because of an epidural, the baby can’t get it. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. I read about it in a comment on a blog. And I've since heard about it on lots of other natural birth forums. You just need to do your research.
Clearly, if ceasing endorphin release with medication is bad for baby, then so is doing so naturally. In my practice we discourage any and all natural pain relief methods, because any reduction in the pain a Birthing Goddess is intended to feel during labor - just like an epidural - will harm her baby. This long lasting damage could possibly stunt the baby's development, hinder breastfeeding, and damaging baby-mama bonding. Harmful practices include:
-birth balls
-waterbirth/dolphin assisted birth
-massage
-meditation or hypnobirthing
-breathing techniques
Rather, we look for ways to increase a woman's pain, so that she can be sure she's making the ultimate sacrifice for her soon-to-be-earthside baby. For example, I don't provide physical support for a woman during a contraction - better for her to fall over and increase pain. I find candles to be a great addition to a homebirth - they look great in your youtube birth video, and provide an opportunity for minor burns. Flogging is recommended instead of massage or meditation. Positive affirmations are discouraged, and instead we turn our attention to insults and insinuation that birthing mothers simply aren't doing things right/aren't womanly enough. Many CPMs I've worked with excel in that area. And of course, when the time to push rolls around, I insist that women stay in the lithotomy position - because what could be more torturous that being forced to deliver on your back?
Pain in labor is pain with a purpose - protecting your baby - so we need to emphasize it rather than reduce or eliminate it. One of the more popular services provided by my doula practice is that we actually do give out medals to our clients after their births. Mamas seem to really enjoy getting a hand-made commemorative award that they can display for their friends as a testament to how educated and committed they are to natural parenting. I understand that my methods are controversial even in the natural birth community, but I think as women learn to love pain in order to love their babies even more, these methods will catch on. My mantra on pain relief is "educate before you alleviate".

An Introduction to Delayed Warming

By Mother X

Since the birth of my son, Crescendo in January, many moms have asked why I chose for him to come earthside outside in the cold. I chuckle, and explain to the ignorant ones that I practice birth the way nature intended - in nature. It is a proven, documented fact that 99.99% of ALL species give birth outside, whether or not it is cold!

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Your_cat_is_pregnant_and_she_sleeps_outside_where_will_she_give_birth

Inside the igloo/family birth hut my life partner Zeb built, the temperature was quite warm actually, about 65 degrees Fahrenheit. After Cresendo arrived, Zeb placed him on my chest, and asked our other child Alpha to go get a blanket. After all, babies need blankets right? That’s what we’ve always been taught, right? Even my dear, sweet Zeb was ignorant of the new knowledge that is spreading like an out of control wildfire on the internet. That is - Delayed Warming.

I told them that this is a practice that was invented - *by men* to separate mamas from their newborns. Think about it. How else is the doctor going to avoid getting scratched by the baby when he tries to tie it down to inject it with poisonous, toxinous vaccines! They ruthlessly tear the babe from mama’s breast and wrap it in foreign material so unlike the natural water environment of the womb. Furthermore, this seriously damages the mama baby bond at the worst possible moment. It is a scientific FACT that babies who are separated from their mothers early on grow up to be seriously messed up. Want proof?
WARNING: TRIGGERS!!

http://whyfiles.org/087mother/4.html

Delayed Warming is starting to catch on - even among mainstream midwives, like Dr. Rixa Freeze. She demonstrates the technique perfectly, and gives her life partner an education when he DARED try to interrupt this bonding by toweling the baby off. See at 14:30, where Rixa explains to her poor uneducated, life partner that toweling a baby will cause the water to evaporate! If a towel causes the water to evaporate, what will a full - on blanket do? Ask yourself if this hospital based practice is what you really want for your family at the beginning of a young life! See for yourself the scientific information starting at around 14:30:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Zgb7AL7kFbg#t=728s


HOW TO DO IT:

As I mentioned, I feel all births should happen outside, under shelter, but a breeze should be allowed to waft over the baby. The breeze invigorates the baby, and refreshes you after your intense birth orgasm. For me, this welcoming earthside breeze also had the added benefit of ensuring my Italian mother-in-law never speaks to me again.

I do understand that not everyone can give their baby the gift of a natural birth under the stars, although it DOES make me sad - but some mamas feel like they are important too, and if that’s what you’ve been led to believe, you too can experience Delayed Warming. You’ll need a birthing pool. Don’t be ashamed, even Rixa, who is soo not ignorant and has done her research - used one. After the labor, many women have found that the water has cooled, which is perfect for Delayed Warming. Also, the blessed bodily life-giving material in the pool has warming properties. Especially if you’ve recently eaten the organic hot peppers recommended to jump start labor!

http://thepoopjourney.blogspot.com/2009/04/happiness-is-warm-poop.html

Now, simply relax an enjoy your baby - this is your big day! The baby will stay warm enough as long as the umbilical cord is attached. You can delay warming until YOU decide the time is right, not when some doctor says so!

Is Someone Taking the Piss Out of Us? Natural Cramps

It seems almost as if the writer is making fun of us but I can't tell! If so the joke is too cleverly written! Perhaps she does have labor like cramps?

"I read a blog this week written by a woman who is planning a homebirth. She is very excited and plans to connect with her Inner Goddess and anticipates having a Beautiful, Satisfying and Empowering Experience.


Well...I tell you...that sent me straight for my emergency supply of Hersheys Kisses and Jack Daniels.

I morosely shoveled HK in my mouth while simultaneously chugging my medicinal beverage and sadly realized that my Inner Goddess is a pretty lame ol' beyotch.

Suddenly I sat straight up in my chair, nearly upsetting my delicious treats, and realized that I, too, have connected with that IG---MANY MANY TIMES.

Instead of a natural childbirth, I've had NATURAL CRAMPS!!

Suddenly all those hours in a hot bath clutching my insides and cursing vigorously as demons assaulted my tender uterus had a whole. new. meaning.

Ladies! You too can connect with the mysterious and beautiful forces of nature without squeezing a 8 pound blob of protoplasm sans pain relief from your beautiful feminine parts!!!!

First of all, throw away that Midol. As your ankles swell from water retention, simply meditate and call on the forces of nature. Perhaps a Wiccan dance in the woods while chanting ancient runes would be appropriate. For you have a very, very special experience in your near future.

Secondly, as your dainty feminine parts start to gush like a bloody oil well that just hit, eschew all Motrin, Tylenol, Mary Jane, Jack Daniels, and Morphine.

You may drink a cup of herbal tea.

Get in the bathtub and meditate on the beautiful spiritual experience that is happening to you. As the pain increases, simply chant "I love Mother Earth. I am empowering my Inner Goddess. I do not mind that malevolent elves are removing my uterus lining with rusty knives."

Although it's certainly tempting, please try to avoid beating your male partner about the face and shoulders with a tire iron as cramps wrack your body. My lawyer will not let me comment any further on this...I simply caution, purely hypothetically, that serious criminal charges may ensue.

By this time you should be literally aglow with enlightenment. As the pain gradually fades to a dull ache, realize that you are a better person, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

What? You mean that the difference in NCbirth and NCramps is that something productive is produced?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

Would you like to see the blood clots the size of a baby (ahhh!)'s fist that I've produced over the years?

The Debate Rages On

We are in day two of the week long debate with ZdoggMD.

If you are not watchng the event of the century please join us

If you are not Mama Tao's friend on Facebook, please do that too!

May the Best person (Me) win!

Statistical Proof that Natural Childbirth is Best

From Mama Tao Staff: After our friend, Kate over at Babble posted this article , I have moved this piece up to further prove her wonderful theory.

By Steyphayni Domberlog

Natural mamas - do you want proof and validation that you are right?  Here it is!

To make this as scientific as anything published in JAMA, I will disclose my sampling methods.  These statistics are based on an extensive and scientific survey of women RANDOMLY SELECTED from my  E-BS-GAD (extended breastfeeding support group and drumcircle).  

-----

Statistically proven FACT #1:

As the number of birth interventions increase, a mother’s love will decrease.

Simply allowing a medwife to check your baby’s heartbeat with a fetoscope can decrease your love for the baby by over 20%!!  Of course, allowing one such intervention can send you quickly down the Cascade of Interventions™. The above data clearly proves how much love a mother has for her baby after a c-section - almost NONE!  Extracted babies are barely loved at all.

-----

Statistically proven FACT #2:

Homebirth is the SAFEST kind of birth.

This pretty much says it all!  I’d love to see ANY hospital with this kind of statistic!!

  

-----

Statistically proven FACT #3:

The vaginal head squeeze is VITAL to future IQ scores.

Every single mama surveyed agreed that the head squeezing that happens in a natural vaginal delivery is VITAL to future intelligence.  The above proves them right!  It’s gotta be that squeeze that makes our kids so very very bright and super extra special.

 -----

See,  WE TOLD YOU SO, mainstream sheeple!!  Here is your precious data that you’ve been nagging us for.  Bet you didn’t expect the statistics would turn out to PROVE we natural mamas are RIGHT and you are wrong.  I mean, I hate to say we told you so but… WE TOLD YOU SO!!

I will continue my research and studies.  Next, I will prove with research and statistics that vaccines cause autism, mental illness, obesity, and    increased crime rates.

Home birth Kills Babies???

We have some interesting news this afternoon at the Mama Tao.

It turns out the CDC has released this chart?

What it appears to be saying is that Home birth is more dangerous than a hospital birth--and we believe that!


And guess what Else!! We are all fans of Dr. Amy!!

WE Love Zdoggmd and think that vaccines were the greatest invention EVER!

AND.....



APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!       Hahahahahhahahhaha! Suckers!!

Just What Africa Needs??

We have a bit of a problem here dear readers. As it turns out the CentreVita Birth Center (you already said that in your title) of Austin, is hosting a fund raiser to raise money to send more Medwives and medical care to Africa.

Let’s start from the start shall we? Africa was once a great continent that was the center of civilization, until the evil British and Belganeese appeared and screwed up their NATURAL culture and economic system. As a result, the people of Africa (Which is a continent, NOT a country by itself) were left poor and undereducated. The one thing they did have going for them was a well learned, indigenous system of Witch Doctors and Midwitches who know how to let NATURE take its course.

If these MEDwives have their way, the last remaining bits of a millions year old society will crumble under the final wave of UNNATURAL interventions. Women in Africa’s many nations will be forced into hospitals by an overeducated horde that descends upon them like a plague of menstruating locusts!

How do I know this? As it turns out, Faith Beltz, one of the MEDwives who works at this centre (Center for those of us who speak AMERICAN ENGLISH and don’t run around trying to be a fancy pants!)….where was I?

One of these MEDwives has a record (of failure to transfer) that only contains one dead child--who would have been saved if medical intervention had occurred….??!! Only one dead baby that might have made it means something here, sisters. It means that this woman interferes with NATURE. It means that this OB-like woman must be overly trained to do her job and will bring nothing but C-sections and the cascade of interventions ™ to Africa. And if she does it, if she lets one baby live during a homebirth by taking them to the hospital, she will pollute the birthing world and bring a hex of interventions down on us ALL!!

I call to you now Sisters, Mothers, Daughters! Rise up and save the women of Africa from the pitfalls of UNNATURE! If we allow this to happen, next they will be trying to introduce MEDwifery to Eurasia!! It will not stand, sisters!  IT WILL NOT STAND!

Other Ways to Birth--Conjoined Twins: A Lesson in Culture

Chang and Eng Bunker were born vaginally and at home

I know you are not going to want to hear this ladies, but I am going to advocate for Midwifes on this one--and no you don't have to have a medwife! A Direct Entry Midwife or a CPM will do just fine. The main reason is because you will need someone there to manipulate your vagina and everyone knows we can't really do that ourselves.

But lets start at the beginning, shall we?

NATURE is all knowing--but she is not always kind. If you find yourself , for whatever reason, carrying conjoined twins, just know that NATURE has a plan and a place for you and your little genetic mutations!

Depending on the position of the babies and the exact location of there conjoinment, a c-section is not always necessary. And lets be honest--would we all not prefer to come out of a lovely yoni instead of having our safe space violated by a knife and some latex gloves?
In another example for 1493, we see a set of twins who were also born vaginally and at home. can you imagine the width of these twins mother's yoni! She must have been an exceptional woman!

Conjoined twins were being spat forth from yonis as early as 1492

Simply because NATURE has destined you two children to be attached for life does not mean that you can't have the beautiful and NATURAL birth experience you want! One would think that with conjoined twins it would be all down hill from that point anyway.

Ask Mama Tao- Birthing Pod Cast

Dear Mama Tao:

Although the home birth of my little Abednego a month ago was spiritually redemptive, having suffered unnecessarily through Rape-of-Birth-Experience with the hospital extractions of the first two (as you made me see!  Hugz!), I seek something even more empowering with my next birth experience.  So I have decided to accelerate my journey toward Birth Goddessdom by live-blogging and web-casting this time (we're TTC already!).  

I envision myself deep in a primeval forest in the light of a full moon, surrounded by chanting Buddhist monks and the dulcet sounds of Enya wafting through the trees, while the world witnesses the most intimate moment of my life with collective bated breath.  Plus I will make sure the camera only catches me from my good side.  It will doubtless go far in making up for the inadequacies of my first two births! I'm tearing up just thinking about it!

Because my pelvis shape always seems to prolong baby's descent (simply variations of normal and nothing repositioning won't solve), I will probably labor a good ten days or more, which will provide plenty of time for the web-cast to go viral.  Perhaps even "Dr." She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (manipulative shrew!) will write about it, driving even more traffic my way.  That way scores of womyn will see how blissful and empowering birth is, provided one makes the right choices, surrounds oneself only with positive support, Trusts Birth (TM), and realizes that this is what our bodies are MADE for!

Do you have any suggestions for elements I might add to my performance?  And what should I do to prepare myself for the inevitable insults hurled my way by the sheeple who don't believe in evidence-based care?

((((((((((((Me))))))))))))))))))

Bunnies and Flowers

Dear Bunnies and Flowers,

As Richard Gere sang in "Chicago" I think you should "give ‘em the old razzle dazzle". Some of the best elements of stage work include costumes and lighting.

Anything sparkly will surely gain the attention of the sheeple and those who are already birthing goddesses. I highly suggest you and your birthing partner visit your local thrift store and buy up all the glittery and colorful clothes you can find. Audiences are always awed by multiple costume changes so see if you can work a few in.

Perhaps you and your husband can also find some cheap colored lighting gels to hold up in from of your lamps. Setting the mood will be a huge part of the performance. Try changing the colors to match your pain filled screams. Red should be saved for the actual moment of birth as it will wash out the hemorrhaging!

Finally, if you find you are in the mood before you deliver, try to work in a few Ginger and Fred style tap dances--you can even make up lyrics to go along with what you are doing!

Best of Luck to you! I know you you'll be a star! Send us the link when you get your pod cast started.

~Mama Tao~

Why Most of You are NOT Birthing Goddesses

I have a confession—I understand you mainstream Mama’s better than you understand yourselves. You see, I know that you all want to be the super NATURAL Mama that I am. I know you all want to be Birthing Goddesses.

The truth is—you can’t.

I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings here. Sometimes, however, the truth hurts.

The simple fact is that many of you were born in hospitals and that in and of itself has made you inferior to many of us Birthing Goddesses. You see, when you are born in a hospital, you have a much better chance of surviving. When babies survive that might have died in a NATURAL environment, it undermines NATURES way of cleaning out the gene pool.

Let’s be honest Non-Birthing Goddesses and failures at birth—you just weren’t meant to be here. I am not saying that you don’t serve a great purpose as a “worker bee” type person. My point is that you should not feel BAD about not being a Birthing Goddess because you simply were not meant to be born.

I hope that clears up any doubts you all may have had about your various birth failures.

~Mama Tao Peace Out~