Get by with a little help from this friend

Be sure to leave your results in the comments or on my Facebook page

Dear Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I need a birth-related project for the lint I collect from my dryer vent.  Any suggestions?
The lint is gray.
signed,
A disenfranchised Gen X slacker

Dear slacker,
dryer lint has many birth uses.  You can weave a reboz to use to help during labor with stuck bebehs.  You can use it to stuff you hand knit tampons uppin there absorbing powers.  Or just use it to seal up a rectovaginal fistula
love,
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I am pregnant but I can't be sure when I conceived.  I don't chart.  How can I find out when I don't want to get one of those dangerous sonograms
signed,
knocked up in MI

Dear knocked up,
babies come when they are ready who cares when you conceived.  love,
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
Do Garlic and yogurt have any other uses besides, well you know....in the chacha, the way nature intended.  Because Mah neighbor said something about tzatziki, it's like this Greek thang?  I just can't imagine using that stuff, for, like, food.  Do people actually EAT those there thangs?  
signed,
Ooohmpah

Dear Ooohmpah,
anything you can put in your yoni you can put in your mouth.  Ooooom nom nom and it will also help keep yer guts healthy and teh yeasts out.
love, 
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I had my baby 10 months ago and I still have not stopped bleeding.  I had a fourth degree tear but my midwife just told me to keep my legs closed.  I have not opened them in almost a year.  Why can't I heal like Nature intended?
signed,
Horny in Appalachia

Dear Horny,
Pfffft trust yer sacred yoni and get some dryer lint. And FFS keep yer damn legs closed.
Love, 
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
why does my son have tongue-tie and eczema? Oh and asthma? What did I do while preggo with him to cause all these problems? I know it must be my fault! And if not, then it certainly is my doctor's! Who's to blame?
And before you respond, you should know I don't put much stock in scientific studies.  I've tried coconut oil, GSE, GV, and donor milk and nothing has helped!  Who should be held responsible?
signed, 
Shittay moma

Dear Shittay,
first use google to find Robert S. Mendelsohn, M.D. and if you're not too poor you should buy his books too.  BUT MEh who needs books when you have teh google research?   I don't believe scientifc studies and neither does Mendelsohn prefer the Emperical evidence to science mularkey.  
Well........ as far as blame.  your doctor is to blame for being brainwashed and giving you terrible assvice like getting vaccines but you are to blame for being uneducated enough to listen to him.  google is your friend.
Love,
Mama Tao

Ask Mama Tao-Of Lice and Men

These look a lot like Crabs!

Dear Mama Tao,

I have a very big problem that I'm hoping you can help with.  My daughter has lice.  Now, I don't want to say that lice are inferior to humans or anything like that, but I'd kind of like them to live somewhere other than her head (or my head--gasp, I know that's selfish).  How can I get rid of them without hurting any of them?  I found an all natural, organic lice treatment, but it kills them just like those nasty chemicals do.  Isn't that insane?  An all natural product that KILLS?  We all know that all natural=healthy, so I think the product packaging must be false. 

Here's what we've tried:

Singing marching songs to the lice
Covering her head in breast milk

Nothing has worked.  Please help.

Signed,

Desperate


Dear Desparate,

A few years ago there was a wonderful movie that came out involving Brad Pitt's special relationship with the Buddha. It was called something like "Seven Years in Dubai" or some such nonsense. The reason I refer you is mainly that there was this one scene where the little Egyptian people were digging worms out of the dirt so the slimy critters would not die by construction!

My suggestion to you is that you get out your handy tweezers and holler a few Jainist chants:

Oh, I went down South for to see my Sal

singing Polly wolly doodle all the day

my Sal, she am a spunky gal

sing Polly wolly doodle all the day!

Then just transfer the little darlins' over to those mainstream Mamas who always be wrecking your play dates!


If you decide to go this route, please for the love of Goddess, film it and send it to me!


~Mama Tao~

Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,

I would like to give Deadtree a sibling and with the next birth, regain my birth goddessness. As you know, I previously had to rebirth Deadtree and feel this next birth will complete it the ceremony (Deadtree will be catching the baby when it arrives earthside).

 My question is, what can I put in my Yoni to prevent high blood pressure? Of course, everyone knows that the Yoni holds the key to health and happiness.

Thank you,

Mother of Deadtree and hopefully, Deadhorse

Dear Mother to Deadtree and hopefully Deadhorse,

First might I say that the names you have bestowed upon your children remind me of a certain 90s movie called Tombstone and I adore that. Seeing as how that has nothing to do with blood pressure I have digressed.

The following is my personal remedy for high blood pressure. Remember it is important to use Turkey and not sub beef:

• l to 1 1/2 pounds turkey tenders or cutlets
• 2 tablespoons taco seasoning
• 2 cloves garlic, finely minced
• 1 cup chunky salsa (your choice of heat)(But remember it is a yoni)
• 1/2 cup peach or apricot preserves

Place all the items in the vagina and cook at 98.6 degrees for 7 days. Remember that your Vagina is a crock pot so everything you cook is eatable!

Ask Mama Tao- Bonding, Prolapsed Uteri and Salt Water Birth

Dear Mama Tao, I absolutely have to return to work eight weeks after my son's birth because my family will starve otherwise. Will my bond with him be forever destroyed if he has to get pumped milk in bottles?
--Brandi

Dear Brandi,
Why did you have kids? Seriously? There is a whole Nile River filled with Crocodile dung you could have shoved up your Yoni to keep your baby box free of fetuses, but you chose to bring life into this world and now you want me to help you figure out how to be a super womyn with a  job and a well bonded baby? I think not.
Of course your bond with your child is going to go to hell. How could it not? It is your babies RIGHT to have his Mother's breast milk (from her breast) until he is 2 years old. Considering you're going to starve if you don't go back to work the only thing I can tell you to do is to hire a wet nurse or to have your husband lactate. The relationship between you and your baby might be gone, but at least the child can bond with someone. Please don't write me again. You depress me.

Dear Mama Tao,
I am now done having kids, my 9 children bring me so much love and their births were the high points in my life. But here is my problem, I have prolapse organs, and find it hard to keep all my business "inside" do you have any natural remedies that could help me? I would much appreciate it!
Lappsy

Dear Lappsy,
As Elderberry once told me, "[r]eal womyn have prolapsed organs and the true test of a womyn is when she sits down to pee and her lady bits take a dunk in the potty" (This was before she had started NATURAL squatting). Either way I urge you not to undo the glorious gift NATURE has given you. Take to your creative side and make art projects that inspire you with your Uterus (Remember sponge painting? Try Uterus painting!)
The good Goddess never intended for us to remain lovely and tight our entire lives. Embrace your Crone phase and all the glories that come with it!

Dear Mama Tao,
How can I prevent sharks from eating my placenta during my Great Barrier Reef water birth? I need to keep the placenta to make smoothies with.
 Lil' Swimmer

Dear Lil' Swimmer,
I was wondering when my readers were going to get creative and start mixing and matching ideas of when and with whom to give birth. The Great Barrier Reef Birth sounds wonderful and I am almost jelious of you. A sharked attended--saltwater birth sounds like a good way to raise your endorphines and give you the NATURAL pain relief that is all one requires.
Pictured above is a "Shark Cage" and I'd imagine with a little creative thinking you will be able to come up with some type of cage that will not allow your lovely palcenta (or Baby) to float to the bottom of the ocean to be gobbled up by the Chondrichthyes.

Ask Mama Tao--Solidless Vitamins

Dear MamaTao,

I am a firm believer that "Breast is best", but I am conflicted in regards to my childrens' nutritional needs.

My dear son, Bean, is nine months old, and my Bowen therapist recommended that his iron intake be increased. Of course formula is not an option (poison). I am not ready to let solid food interfere with our breastfeeding relationship. I would like to feed him exclusively from my body until he is two. One option I had considered was dissolving one of my placenta capsules into some breastmilk, but I wondered. can I simply open a vein and feed him some of my blood?

Thanks for your advice,
B. Swan

B Swan,
Feeding your child milk from your breast is the exact same as giving him blood. That is why it's ok for you to keep breastfeeding while your nipples are spouting the red kroovy. Iron is an important part of the diet and with you wanting to delay solids until 2 (and who would not? Why deal with solid poops until you have to?) I would suggest you use the "other" mouth the body has.

A nice iron enema will be the perfect way to get your little one's precious metals while also never letting him sample the solid joys of life.

There are also a number of other "bum shots" one can perform to raise vitamin levels. An ounce of orange juice gives Vitamin C, while exposing the anus to the sun raises Vitamin D.

I wish your little vampire the best of luck!

~Mama Tao~

Ask Mama Tao- NATURAL Pooping

Dear Mama Tao,

Forgive me if this is tmi, but I have a moderate degree of pelvic organ prolapse since the 4 (empowering) births of my kids. I have been given the options of physical therapy, a pessary, or surgery to make my yoni youthful again. I was wondering what Mama Tao's advice on how to deal with this might be, (maybe use a potato instead of an unnatural item from Big Pessary?) and then I found this website with the claim that pelvic floor disorders only happen in the west, as a result of eeeevil toilets and eeeevil gyns and those valsalvas they are always forcing us women to do. The product they're selling here also will apparently eliminate your risk of developing hemorrhoids, colon or prostate cancer. By allowing you to stand on the seat of your toilet, and then squat to drop the kids at the pool as nature intended. http://www.naturesplatform.co.uk/site/pelvic_organ_prolapse.php

Thanks,

No More Elvis Pelvis

Dear Elvis Pelvis,

Clearly someone just fell off the turnip truck--and its you. Are you aware that there are products out there that are only made for someone else to make money? This, my dear, is one of those products.

Don't get me wrong--everything he says is true, but do you need to buy some silly devices such as this to help you poop? No!

Nature has made it's own pooping platforms and it's called the ground (or floor).

Around my house we have returned to using the old chamber pot that were so popular back in the days of old. They lower you to the ground and aid in the passing of poopie, but don't cost a small fortune. You can even use you houses pots and pans because urine sterilizes the pot and the germs for the poop are your own, thus safe!

So next time, try using you head and don't get skunked by the snake oil salesmen!! Use you own methods to save your sphincter! 

Ask Mama Tao--Re-Birth

Dear Mama Tao, 
 
I will admit, I was birth raped. Not knowing any better, I went to the 

hospital thinking something was "wrong", and the baby was extracted from

 my goddess womb three hours later (some crap about eclampsia). 

Don't they realize my body knew what it was doing?
 
My question is: can I do some kind of ceremony or rebirth of 

little Deadtree? How else is he to have a normal life? 

Can I introduce him into the womb and reintroduce him earthside? 

He is 20 lbs and 29 in. 
 
Thank you for your wisdom!
 
Too embarrassed of my lost goddessness to leave my name
 
 
 
Sent from my iPhone

Dear Sent From My iphone,

Today seems to be your lucky day as I have just written a paper on the newest 

practice of Re-birthing by a Doctor from Shulls Mill College. In his reports he 

speaks at great length about things that would make many of us uuncomfortable. 

There is a new method being designed where babies and children are squeezed through

a press while at the same time a watermelon that has been inserted in the Mother's

Yoni is removed. Special pictures are shown during this process while both parent 

and child focus of restoring their relationship. Perhaps this method is a good one

for you as it seems your son has grown too large to actually be shoved back into

your girly bits.

Hope this helps,

~Mama Tao~  

Ask Mama Tao- Birthing Pod Cast

Dear Mama Tao:

Although the home birth of my little Abednego a month ago was spiritually redemptive, having suffered unnecessarily through Rape-of-Birth-Experience with the hospital extractions of the first two (as you made me see!  Hugz!), I seek something even more empowering with my next birth experience.  So I have decided to accelerate my journey toward Birth Goddessdom by live-blogging and web-casting this time (we're TTC already!).  

I envision myself deep in a primeval forest in the light of a full moon, surrounded by chanting Buddhist monks and the dulcet sounds of Enya wafting through the trees, while the world witnesses the most intimate moment of my life with collective bated breath.  Plus I will make sure the camera only catches me from my good side.  It will doubtless go far in making up for the inadequacies of my first two births! I'm tearing up just thinking about it!

Because my pelvis shape always seems to prolong baby's descent (simply variations of normal and nothing repositioning won't solve), I will probably labor a good ten days or more, which will provide plenty of time for the web-cast to go viral.  Perhaps even "Dr." She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (manipulative shrew!) will write about it, driving even more traffic my way.  That way scores of womyn will see how blissful and empowering birth is, provided one makes the right choices, surrounds oneself only with positive support, Trusts Birth (TM), and realizes that this is what our bodies are MADE for!

Do you have any suggestions for elements I might add to my performance?  And what should I do to prepare myself for the inevitable insults hurled my way by the sheeple who don't believe in evidence-based care?

((((((((((((Me))))))))))))))))))

Bunnies and Flowers

Dear Bunnies and Flowers,

As Richard Gere sang in "Chicago" I think you should "give ‘em the old razzle dazzle". Some of the best elements of stage work include costumes and lighting.

Anything sparkly will surely gain the attention of the sheeple and those who are already birthing goddesses. I highly suggest you and your birthing partner visit your local thrift store and buy up all the glittery and colorful clothes you can find. Audiences are always awed by multiple costume changes so see if you can work a few in.

Perhaps you and your husband can also find some cheap colored lighting gels to hold up in from of your lamps. Setting the mood will be a huge part of the performance. Try changing the colors to match your pain filled screams. Red should be saved for the actual moment of birth as it will wash out the hemorrhaging!

Finally, if you find you are in the mood before you deliver, try to work in a few Ginger and Fred style tap dances--you can even make up lyrics to go along with what you are doing!

Best of Luck to you! I know you you'll be a star! Send us the link when you get your pod cast started.

~Mama Tao~

Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao:

I have such a sad tale to relate.  I was waiting at the bus stop, contemplating how lucky I am to be a birthing goddess and wondering how soon I could TTC after my HBA5C last month, when a "woman" seated on the bench next to me pulled out a bottle  and began to Formula Feed her poor infant (it wasn't even a glass bottle--it was PLASTIC!  I mean, how can one person be so UNEDUCATED??)  Naturally, I fled the area in hysterical tears, having been Proximity Raped.  Luckily, I had sewn a healing sage incense stick into the hem of my organic cotton baby sling for just this kind of emergency, and I instantly smudged DD.  But I seek a deeper cleansing ritual to try to rid my baby of toxins.  I need not tell you how important it is to create a protective aura around my rainbow child--she's the only one I've bonded with since she was my only normal birth.  ((((((((((((((Mama Honesty))))))))))))))))  I've already scheduled appointments with my holistic healer and my chiropractor, but I'm desperate for suggestions before then.  Oh, Mama Tao, can you help me????

Signed, 

Panicked in Portland

 

Dear Panicked,

Normally during a situation like this I would recommend getting pregnant as soon as possible. Considering that this child did not belong to you, I think the only way for you to ease your soul ache is to adopt this poor infant and nurse it with your own sweet milk.

One of the easiest ways to adopt a baby that is not for sale is to call Social Services. Child Protective Workers are notorious for taking children who don't have psychological issues because children who are from genuinely abusive homes are harder to adopt out.

One little erroneous call from you to CPS should get the job done and then that poor baby will be all yours to nurse and bond with. If they are going to formula feed, they should not have had kids in the first place. They don't deserve them!

Ask Mama Tao-Midwife/Medwife?

 

 

Dear Mama Tao:

I am soooooooooooooooo angry right now.  Simply because my blood pressure has been running at 160/115, my feet are swollen to the size of soccer balls, and my urine is coffee colored, my DEM wanted me to transfer to an OB's care.  Really????  I couldn't believe she didn't know that swelling and rising pressures in the third trimester are both usual, and "preeclampsia" is nothing but a variation of normal (and probably even psychosomatic to begin with).  Besides, I've been faithfully following the Brewer Diet, so I know I'm perfectly healthy.  Serves me right, I guess, for not trusting birth enough and giving in to the intervention of blood pressure checks.  Live and learn.  My next birth experience will be perfect.  Anyway, of course I fired this woman on the spot, having revealed her true identity as a medwife by trying to rob me of my home birth and my CHOICE.  Did I do the right thing?  I can't help but think I should have done more to prevent her from harming other women with her misinformation and medicalization of birth.  How would you have handed the situation yourself?

Signed, 

Seething in Seattle

 

Dear Seething in Seattle,

I hate to tell you like it is, but that is usually the case with these Midwives/Medwives. Any time you have someone other than you interfering with your birth, you are just asking for trouble. The problem is that most Midwives had a certain “Moral” code and don't want to be responsible for the loss of your baby. There are very few true midwives who are willing to let your baby die, simply so you can have the hands off birth you want. They are special people and are few and far between.

You asked how I would handle such a situation and the only advice I can give you is to be very tricky with your next labor (and you will have to have another baby to make up for the distress of this pregnancy).

Early on in your pregnancy I suggest you place a decoy in the road to make sure your midwife is not indeed a medwife in disguise!

One of the easiest tests to foil is the blood glucose test given at around 20 weeks to scan for Gestational diabetes. Eating the entire time you are supposed to be fasting and then eating during the waiting times between tests should make the results look pretty scary. I suggest you throw the test and see how your midwife reacts.

If she says, “Holy Shit, you need insulin!” then you need to drop her like she’s hot.

If she says that diabetes is a normal part of pregnancy and living then you know you can trust her—and the 20-60 remaining weeks of pregnancy you have left can be with a midwife who deserves your attention!

Ask Mama Tao--Do Hospital Interventions Exist?

Dear Mama Tao:

Help me learn.  Ever since we hooked our computer up to the internets (used previously only for un-schooling materials, OF COURSE.  Duh.), I have been able to do SO much research on your site.  But I am wondering if you could answer a question about the Cascade of Interventions (TM)?  One of the things I have learned from researching is that merely setting foot inside a hospital guarantees the C of I (TM).  I read it on MDC, so it must be true. 

 Still, I meekly admit that I brought my first two spawn Earthside within the walls of these dens of iniquity and horror.  AND it was a University hospital--you know, the places where the only thing birthed naturally is the Great Conspiracy that enfolds Evil Golf-Playing Doctors, Nurse Ratchets, and Intervening Medwives.  

Even so, I somehow, miraculously, it would seem, defied fate and experienced my first two births WITHOUT the C of I (TM).  AND for one of those I even consented, weakly and in ignorance, to Poison/Pitocin AND AROM.  And now I'm confused.  Does the C of I (TM) really exist?  I admit I lived long in the darkness of utter ignorance about normal birth, and now I know better that the only right way is intervention-free UC.  But I need to solve this one lingering doubt.  My healing depends upon it.  Mother Tao, you have such obvious cosmic wisdom.  Can you set me straight?

(((((((((((((((Mama Tao)))))))))))))))

Signed, BunniesAndFlowers

BunniesAndFlowers,

I have read over your letter many times now and am not sure how to respond. How exactly should one reply when faced with a supposed fan who can lie so boldly and in public no less!

The fact that you say you gave birth without the Cascade of Interventions (TM) is a statement of such dishonestly it makes me jiggly in my legs to even type it!

It is simply impossible for a woman to have ANY type of natural birth in the hospital...

You ma'am are a liar and fraud!

Good Day!

Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,

 I’m currently pregnant with twins, and after the birth rape of my first child, I’m considering having a VBAC at home, preferably unassisted, how do I convince my husband that homebirth is MUCH safer than hospital birth, and that Big Pharma is brainwashing the public into believing that hospital birth is superior even though FAR more babies die in the hospital than at home?

Writer,

Much like the advice given yesterday about forcing your husband to breastfeed, scare tactics usually work in these cases. A few good sources of frightening information can be found at the CDC. Try giving your husband a list of the nasty things they put in vaccines and if that does not make him understand that Big Pharma is evil then try adding a few other things such as Aborted Human Fetuses and Toxic Waste. Have him watch some hospital videos of cesarean births where everything seems to go horrendously wrong. If these things don’t work then you must resort to blatant lying and deceit. Tell him that your baby is MORE likely to die in a hospital and that most OBs are surgeons who play golf! If none of this works then have him watch the ultimate fear mongering movie and our Holy Grail of Knowledge, The Business of Being Born

Dear Mama Tao,
I am really concerned with all the "dead baby" cards that seem to be floating around hospitals. We should all get together and make some spiritual "empowering birth" cards and hand them out to women who go into hospitals. Maybe we can all come over to your house and have a spiritual craft workshop?

I totally agree with you there, however it’s very hard for me to have guests. Opening the gates of the Compound requires at least six people—but Big Government has never managed to penetrate. With this in mind I have taken the liberty of making some cards you can copy and print to pass out at your local hospitals. See Below.

Mama Tao,
I need some advice regarding a very difficult situation that my family is in and it is the sole responsibility of money grabbing, evil hospitals and doctors. I was naïve at the tender age of 16 when I was pregnant with my first child. I did unforgiveable things like visit a doctor and have damaging ultrasounds. This was at the advice of my ignorant parents so I cannot accept full responsibility for it. This Devil sent medical practitioner lied to me and told me that my baby was transverse and that I would need to have him ripped from his sanctuary by mutilation of my body.

What he didn't mention was that this extraction would damage my child forever and doom him to an unholy existence and guarantee that he became a psychopath toddler that plots to bite and maim fellow toddlers. I followed his advice and I thought that I was a woman, a mother following this hideous act. Little did I know that I was but a vessel for the persistence of medicalized atrocities. The same baby harming being convinced me that I should repeat the massacre on my body, my baby, my psyche with my second pregnancy when I was 17.

Finally during my third pregnancy when I was 18 (and much wiser) I became enlightened to the way of natural childbirth. I went on to have a variety of different UC. I now have 5 perfect beings derived from the natural journey to become earthside. My problem is that I feel no bond with those first two things that were pulled from me. They are simply beings who live in my natural cow dung constructed abode. They eat our food (which is limited as we scavenge for it by the light of the moon) and take precious nutrition from my 5 true angels. I am so bonded to these 5 angels that no one can tell where I end and they begin. (This does make bathing and sex challenging, but motherhood is about complete personal sacrifice).

 I can no longer look at those first two things and I would like to know if I will be forgiven for my evil act of having a hospital extraction with the two of them if I expel them from my household and erase them from my forever damaged mind. They have had no education as I believe they have no capacity for learning or contributing to society due to my ignorance surrounding how they travelled earthside. I have unschooled the other 5 divine beings and as a result of their natural transition into this world were all able to read and truely understand Shakespearian literature by age 2. Those first two devils are the only two physically able things in our house, so by expelling them it will make moonlight scavenging for subsistence more difficult.

 My 5 true children were blessed by special gifts due to my selfless act of UC-ing them. The brainwashing doctors call these gifts 'disabilities' and claim that they are due to them being UCD, them choosing to come earthside at between 46 and 52 weeks, and my exquisite labours lasting over 2 weeks each. They are so misinformed. I have educated myself by meditating to the Goddess of Serene Earthside transitions and found that these gifts were bestowed on them because I trusted my body to do what it was made to do. This will be compounded by the fact that I am still breastfeeding my 17 and 16 year olds, who demand feed 22 hours out of 24. My life partner and I are prepared to accept this difficulty if it would mean that we would be one step closer to being real, natural parents by getting rid of the products of those traumatic 'births'. Please Mama, tell me if this is the best way to repent for my sins of the past.

Yours in all things natural,

Oaktree Cherryblossom.

Dear Oaktree,

You are perhaps the first true specimen of Woman who has been able to totally separate herself from the products of her Birth Rape. Most of us still have some type of small attachment to our UNNATURAL children, but you seem to have mastered the art of detachment and I applauded you! Seeing as how you can’t truly be asked to live with the cretins anymore, I must suggest you contact your local Child Rescue Org. This idea was modeled after the dog Breed rescue orgs and are also split up into breeds. They contact info is as follows

For White and Asian Kids- www.rescueawhiteorasiankid.org

For Black and Hispanic kids—www.rescueblackandhispanickids.org

And for all other races—www.rescuearandomasskid.org

I hope this was helpful!

Ask Mama Tao-Male Breastfeeding

Dear Mama Tao,
How can I encourage my husband to breastfeed?

You bring up a very important topic, Asker! I can tell that you must be new to the NATURAL Mama thing or you would already know the answer. How do we force anyone to do the NATURAL? We do it with guilt and misinformation!

Here are a few things you might threaten persuade your husband with:

Don't you love me?

Don't you love our child?

How can you bond with a baby if you don't nurse it?

Only 1% of men cannot medically breastfeed.

Babies can die of SIDs if not breastfed by BOTH parents!

Those are only a few ways to get your Hubs in on the family feeding! Perhaps the commenters can list some more!

Ask Mama Tao: The Case of The Giant Placenta

Dear Mama Tao,
I have a question that I really hope you can help me with. Do you know of any techniques that would enable me to grow a mega-placenta, or possibly just a placenta without a baby? There are so many uses for the placenta, it's too hard for me to pick just one! I want to eat it raw, eat it cooked, encapsulate it, bury it, make prints with it, let it rot all lotus-birth style, and make cuddly toys out of it. I also had an idea that I could make a baby carrier for baby-wearing from it, or maybe a cute bag to carry my cloth diapering supplies and mama-cloth. And I've been thinking about trying to lacto-ferment a placenta. I think it would taste like salami, which I miss from my pre-vegan days. I wasted the placentas from my first 7 births because I was uneducated. Knowing this now, I am wondering if my birth experiences were really fulfilling at all, and if I even love my children? I really need your help, thanks!

Dear Madam,

I am deeply worried about the relationship between you and your first seven children--considering their placenta rape, I must urge you to try again. This is why I am not willing to tell you how to grow a placenta without a baby (and there are ways). I feel that you need these extra children to heal!

As far as getting a large placenta, I have always said the best way to get more placentas is to have multiples. Many people have to go through IVF to do this but there are some NATURAL ways to get the job done!

The first thing one needs to do is make yourself ovulate more than on egg at a time. You achieve this by tracking ovulation, and squatting on the floor for as many eggs as you want released. For every squat you must  hold your breath and then release it with a giant “HUT!” as you stand up.

After you have released your eggs, like a giant featherless chicken, you need to fertilize them. Have sex with your partner 6-7 hours after you ovulate to get the best results. To make sure that every one of your precious ovum are met with their perfect sperm you must them stand on your head for 24-36 hours!

 Follow these steps and I can assure you many children and plenty of Placenta to try out all your crafts!

Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mother Tao
 
I read this on one of the most busy, respected and authoritative natural
parent sites, our "bible in progress" if you will..
 
"I wondered if there were spirits by my side, like angels or guides.
Sure enough, just like my son's birth, they were there, I sensed this
deeply, and I made sure by asking a question. "Am I progressing?" "Yes"
came the firm, loud reply in my energy field. I felt guided and
supported. On top of that, my hips started swaying in a motion that
wasn't done consciously by my mind. When I was kneeling over my bed, my
hips started moving in a figure 8 or infinity pattern, much like belly
dancing. When I realized this, my trust in the process deepened
immensely. I knew this was my body's way of helping the baby along and
my body was responding intuitively to it with no help on "my" part. The
words "dolphin energy" popped in my head and I felt the presence of
dolphins for a moment, raising my vibrational energy, basically helping
me feel joyful and at one with the process." 
 http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1302359/isabella-violeta-is-here
 
 
DOLPHIN ENERGY!?!! I though to myself, oh wow how cool is that, but it
crossed my mind that as a vegan i should not be stealing energy from
another living being.
 
What do you think ?
 
and can you be quick cos i am pregnant and need to get my birth plan
down in good time so I can tell the baby my wishes so s\he can do it right.
 
Altriotgurl

Sounds like you have really done your research, Altriogurl!

You are right about the dolphin energy going strong especially during labor. Believe it or not, Human Labor is one of dolphin’s favorite things! They loved sending their energy out to you

Have you thought about a dolphin assisted birth? It's very much like a UC but you got out into the middle of open water to deliver instead of staying home.

You place yourself out in the middle of the ocean and wait for the Dolphins, (or whatever else is out there and can smell blood) to show up.

I assure you there is nothing sweeter than bleeding in open water with a sharp toothed, carnivorous, intelligent mammal while simultaneously personifying it down to a meak and gentle creature that “smiles” all the time.

Good luck with you energy, and TRUST BIRTH!

You CAN HAve Your Placenta and Eat It Too!

I asked, adn you readers answered--Given the popularity of Lotus birth and eating The Palcenta, Mama Tao asked for Methods of doing both. I got several good answers and wanted to shar with you!

The Uber uscholer said:

We found that the generous use of curry pastes, once the umbilical cord had rotted off, meant we could stick to the family ethos of "waste nothing, not even waste".

Crunchmaster Flash says:

After Basmati's birth, we cut the centre out of the placenta and made placenta doughnuts holes. The imagery of the doughnut hole negates the hole that you cut in the placenta, so that your baby can still enjoy the benefits of the whole thing, even though part of it is gone. That's the power of the educated mind!

And Mother X posted this. All the other mothers noticed how unnatural it was, so I am just posting it here so you all can make fun of her and call her a fake NATURE lover!

I have a perfect solution after I had Crescendo. Well as you know it was a snow-birth, so it was january. Well my MIL had given us this Ronco Food Dehydrator that she had bought from QVC. She's a hoarder and I actually saw it in her basement a few years ago, which is another post, but anyway... So I covered his placenta with herbs and salt and then when it fell off it still had that earthy aroma. So i just put it in the Ronco!! I've frozen some of the jerky I made for gifts next year (of course we ate a lot too)


Bwahahahahhahah!

Ask Mama Tao

I got this question in my inbox and wanted to answer it as it is an important topic.

Dear Mama Tao,

I am trying to spred the word about home births! They are so much more relaxing and it's so much easier then a darn hospital. In a hospital you have to be strabbed down with big masceans and stuff! Why can't giving birth be natural like it was intedded? I'm sick of all these things having to be going on for a simple birth. What's the best way to go about it?

Thanks for asking. The best way to spread to word about homebirth is to do exactly what you are doing! Go to forums and leave misspelled messages that are cryptic and take a Masters in psychology to decipher!

You see, I feel that the problem has always been that people don’t know about homebirth and unless we talk about it this will never change. Perhaps we should make today International Homebirth Awareness Day! Each and every one of you make a vow to crash one website and spread the joy of homebirth!

Ask Mama Tao

Rhododendron Mistyton has a question for Mama Tao.

Everyone knows that tribes, unsullied by evil western influences, are the most natural of natural and we should try to emulate them so we can be the naturalest we can. I'm still nursing my s...on and found out I'm pregnant again. I thought, looking to Paraguayan Ache tribe for inspiration, that I would have to kill my newborn to avoid interrupting my nursing relationship, but my husband prefers the Kenyan Gussii method of weaning our son by slapping him whenever he wants to nurse. How do we decide which is more natural?

I have to admit you had me somewhat baffled here, Rhododendron--until that is, I took a closer look at what you were asking. It seems to me, the real question is not "which is more natural?" but which culture has the best practice that fits my family?

It seems to me, and to many other Mamas as well, that as long as you are using the cultural rituals of any culture outside of ours, any and all practices will be allowed.

To sugest a few more to you, perhaps consider the Mbubaba tribe, who believes that children are best weaned by being placed far away from the family camp site and forced to crawl back several times until they are so starved they will take any food offered to them.

The Hightys of Central Asia have  a practice that involves cutting the nipples off of the mother to reduce temptation. This, however might not work for you becasue you are wanting to nurse again.

Take you time in picking a culture to rape--this choice is not an easy one for us to make. Best of luck!

Ask Mama Tao

Our question today comes from a woman who is new to the Natural Childbirth Movement. We can forgive her for that. She asks:

Dear Mama Tao,

With my first child my OB decided it was best to give me an episiotomy. My daughter was just over 9lbs and I was grateful for this intervention until I started reading your blog. Now I fear I have been Birth Raped. For my next child I have decided to have a "real" birth and have my baby at home with the help of a “real” practitioner—a CPM! I have everything ready; q-tips, plastic bags and hand sanitizer but I still fear the fact that I might tear again. I have really big babies and I don’t want to have to transfer after to be sewn up. What do I do?

Thanks, Tatum Gilbert

Well Tatum, I hate to be the bearer of unwanted news but why is it exactly, that you want a home birth? Those of us who are birthing Goddesses are aware of the repercussions of our actions and have decided that the journey is more important than the destination. This is particularly true of childbirth.

If your body tears then it tears and you are meant to live with the outcome. I have a friend who posts here regularly, who tore so bad during the birth of her 12lb. 5oz. baby that her two holes became one! Do you think she ran off to some fancy pants Doctor to be sewn up? Hell no!

She stands firmly behind her beliefs and wears diapers! She also found that everything in NATURE has perks! She can now go #1 and #2 at the same time—which is great for us Mamas who need to save time!

Just remember this Tatum, Stitches are for Bitches and Trauma is for Mama!