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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

River's (Super Sad) Birth Story



I went into labor around 8pm March 13th at 34 weeks and 5 days. Since I’ve been planning my UC for months now, and I knew that the quadruplets would likely come early, it wasn’t really a big deal. I lost my mucous plug and the contractions started in earnest. Around midnight, bright red blood started gushing from my hoo-ha, and my husband was getting nervous. He wanted to call EMS, but I refused to allow it -- I know that blood loss during labor is just a variant of normal. In fact, I suspected that it might be that placenta previa my fired MFMs were so worried about, but since I had done my research, I knew that it wasn’t really a problem. Giving birth naturally involves knowledge of my own body and surrender to it.  To that end, I felt it was important for me to trust my body. I would never let fear dictate my choices. Besides, I fear birthing in the hospital much more than anything that could happen to me at home -- hospitals are not the best place for so-called "high risk" cases like mine. Just by virtue of being labeled as high risk, the hospital procedures that women are pressured into going along with increase their risk of unnecessary interventions and complications.

I was breathing through my contractions, dealing well with the pain and sopping up the blood with a beach towel when we heard a knock on the door. You can imagine my surprise and horror to discover that it was two EMTs. My husband had called them on the sly. I was absolutely furious. How DARE he call 911 and invite the mayhem that medical care, and all the trappings (literally!) it brings, into our little family. The paramedics were sympathetic at first, but once they realized that I had no intention of joining them in the ambulance and going to the hospital, they coldly and manipulatively pulled the dead baby card. Of course, my husband bought it hook, line, and sinker. In spite of the betrayal, I felt the need to calm the fears of my rattled husband, so I agreed to go to the hospital *just* to be checked out. But I knew in my heart of hearts that it was the beginning of the end of my perfect birth experience.

See, from an organized western medicine view, placenta previa is this huge problem, but from a traditional, indigenous perspective, when the birth is kept calm, as the placenta detaches, it is given time to seal off, and the mother (within her reptilian brain and working with her baby) brings the babe down in a timely fashion, and the placenta follows. Something that hospital's "optimum care" cannot fathom--there is just not enough drama. So I knew that as soon as I entered those hospital doors -- the doors of the ambulance, even -- that my calm birth and the chance that my babies had to experience the wonder of my vagina was gone.

Of course, the first thing they wanted to do when I arrived at the hospital was listen to the babies heart rates. The very thing I had originally chosen a UC to avoid. I reluctantly gave in, knowing that this was going to be the first in a long cascade of interventions pushed on me. Of course, the nurse said that there were “late decelerations,” and immediately called the OB. Who again played the “fetal distress” and “dead baby” cards simultaneously. Even with my husband begging me and the doctor’s coercion I was ready to stand firm and refuse the extraction. And then the doctor said something about a court order.

The sobbing from my husband and the spectre of court involvement was just too much for my bruised psyche, and I muttered, “Fine.” It wasn’t consent so much as it was giving up, and I regret it SO MUCH. Why couldn’t I have been stronger?? I failed utterly, and I will never be able to forgive myself. They shoved a needle in my spine and gave me the numbing poison that is a spinal. I was sobbing as they cut into me. The first baby came out, and I just didn’t have the strength to scream, “STOP!” as they rubbed the last of my blood off of her. The nurses gave her a first APGAR of 4, but she perked right up and started breathing and getting a little color into her. And I WEPT as I realized just how unnecessary this ces...(I can’t even bear to type it all the way out) extraction was. She was FINE! The others were fine as well. But then they were held hostage in the NICU overnight for goddess knows what reason. They are here in the room with me now, but I can hardly bear to look at them, knowing that I will have to apologize to them for the way I failed them, every day for the rest of their lives.

And now life must go on, though I don’t know how. I will be forced forgive my husband for his ultimate betrayal so that he can help me to get pregnant again. Because the only way that I will ever be able to recover from this trauma is to have a healing VBAC. One day, I just KNOW that, when I experience a real, NORMAL, birth, I will be able to be a real woman and a real mother. It’s just too bad that I had that ability ripped from me by scalpel with this one.

15 comments:

  1. Oh, how awful! I can't even believe the nerve of your husband, taking away your autonomy like that. And he wasn't even the worst -- an unnecessary c-section?? That doctor should be in jail.

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  2. So sorry to read what happend to you!
    I too had a CS, and I can't quite love my extracted child like I love my orgasmic one.... I mean how could I not love a being that gave you an orgasm?????
    Orgasmic mom.

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  3. VAJAY-JAY BIRTH FTWMarch 15, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    HAYYYY GIRL
    I LOVE YOU

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  4. I'm so, so sorry. x4. :( Mama, you still rock, I guess.

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  5. Crunchmaster FlashMarch 16, 2011 at 3:49 AM

    Ugh! It is bad enough having one c/s baby, but four? What a nightmare for you. I'm so sorry! You'll have to deal with all of them for at least the next 18 years! I'm crying for you.

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  6. This does not happen to women who trust birth.

    I am very sorry to say this to you, but it must be said. You did this to yourself. Babies are wise. They know how to be born. You just didn't listen and now you have a birth rape which means you can't bond with your babies.

    It is easy to blame your DH, but you know really it is your fault because you did not trust so became weak and let them hurt your babies with an extraction.

    I'm not saying this to be mean. I want to help you. We all make mistakes. Next time trust more and overthink things less. Then you will give birth naturally. The way you were made to.

    This is all said with love and respect.

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  7. oh please, you are a real woman and mother. STFU about all this nonsense. you don't love this child? wtf is wrong with you? that in and of itself makes you a shitty mother.

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  8. Crunchmaster FlashMarch 16, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    With such a naive opinion, no wonder you hide behind anonymity. *EYEROLL at the mainstreamer*

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  9. Anonymous, you are missing the point here. The OP is acknowledging the fact that we can't love extracted babies with the same deep bond as truly birthed babies! Not only did the children miss the opportunity to travel the sacred path earthside, they were torn from their mother during the crucial peripartum bonding time! Of COURSE they forever will miss that crucial, deep soulbond mothers have with their skin-to-skin bonded children. The medical establishment needs to recognize this problem and remove such barriers from mother-child bonding. Otherwise wise souls like us will have to continue UC if we want to have a healthy relationship with our children.

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  10. @Crunchmaster Flash

    I concurr. There seems to be some riff raff from the sheeple fields drifing through today.

    Mama Tao ever since you took this from a private forum to a public blog format we have been invaded by the zombies who think the only outcome that matters is a live, healthy baby.

    I'm not sure this openess is such a good idea. if i wanted to know what the sheeple thought I'd go to a doctor and birth in a hospital.

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  11. One day, I just KNOW that, when I experience a real, NORMAL, birth, I will be able to be a real woman and a real mother.

    Yeah this is totally true. Everyone knows, to be a real woman/mother = having real normal birth. Anything else is a failure. Thank you for admitting your failure.

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  12. How come it's okay to use infertility drugs to conceive? There's nothing natural about infertility drugs and what they do to your body.

    On another post, it was mentioned that cave women gave birth to multiples. I'd like to know how many had 4 at one time. A woman is designed with 2 breasts to nurse 2 babies, not 4

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  13. Who said it was ok? Surely not I. River is failure and we pat her on the back but only because she is weak. There have, however, been cases of natural multiples, such as the Dion Quints in Canada.

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  14. If you want normal birth, do not have 4 babies. There is nothing normal or natural about a litter of babies. Last time I checked we have 2 breasts.
    Do not implant 4 embryos next time around and your birth might go differently.

    A real mother deeply loves her babies regardless of how they came to her. Adoptive moms did not birth their babies and yet they bond and truly love them. If you can;t love your babies, let someone who can adopt them.
    seriously, go get some therapy.

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  15. Ok, I know I'm really, really late to the party but that comment above just cracked me up. It is so, so funny when something is written as satire but is so close to the real thing that people can't tell the difference. One of my fave YouTube comedians, Edward Current, does this too. He's an atheist but pretends to be a conservative Christian and he's had many Christians subscribe to his page because they couldn't figure out that he was mocking them. This is just like that. I'm LMAO right now. Thanks Mama Tao! I miss you hard :-(
    TheHappyPappy, who found you thanks to the Skeptical OB (Go Dr. Amy!)

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