An exerpt from my forthcoming book, "Battle Hymn of the Dolphin Mother."

By Aleah Latcatio

A lot of people wonder how Crunchy Earth Mamas raise such stereotypically healthy and intuitive children. They wonder what these Mamas do to produce so many doulas, faith healers, and telephone psychics; what it's like inside the family, and whether they can do it too. Well, I can tell them, 'cause I have done it. Here are some of the things my children - Cloude (my birthrape baby), SkyeDancer, Wax, Lil Wane, Frix and Freya (the twins), Trout, Snubnose Dolphin (my first dolphin-birthed child, affectionately called Snubbie D), and Crash - were never ever ever ever ever allowed to do:

Drink poisonous formula

Use deodorant

Wear commercially produced and packaged diapers

Wear diapers at all, because all of us practiced elimination communication

Eat anything other than my precious, life-giving Mother's Milk until they were three

Not attend the homebirths of all of their brothers and sisters, and also the homebirths of the thousands and hundreds of babies I delivered

Complain about having to attend and assist in the homebirths of all of their brothers and sisters

Complain about having to eat the placenta of all of their homebirthed brothers and sisters.

I'm going out on a limb with the term Crunchy Earth Mama, 'cause there are a lot of posers out there who like to call themselves Crunchy Mamas, but aren't nearly so hardcore upon closer inspection. Some of these "mothers" will breastfeed, but stop once their child is three or four years old (I'm 47 weeks pregnant with my tenth child and still providing regular meals of liquid gold to each and every one of my babies, ages newborn to fourteen). Most of these self-styled "Natural Moms" pick and choose a few crunchy things to follow (babywearing, bed-sharing) and use Huggies, give their children poisonous formula, and whine about how HARD breastfeeding was for the first few months, so they plug away for a bit and then just give up.  It's the first few months that are EASY. It's breastfeeding into the eighth and ninth years that get tough.

Crunchy Earth Mamas can get away with things that Mainstream "Mothers" just can't. Once when I was on my way to attend a homebirth after Cesarean, nearly 50 weeks pregnant with my youngest, I started to give birth in the car! Did I pull over to the side of the road and call 911? Hellz no; there was no way any Dr. Evil was going to get his slimy OB fingers on MY fetus after my traumatic and horrific birth rape with my first child! Instead, I kept driving, slowing my speed on the interstate to an acceptable 65mph.  After narrowly missing rearending a semi, which ended up swerving into another lane and causing a 22-car pileup, I sped around the wreckage, baby crowning, stomped on the gas, and pushed that baby out while driving a stick shift! Making sure to leave the umbilical cord attached, since that ensures the baby gets oxygen even if the baby is higher than the placenta, I placed little Crash at my breast, covered in my Motherly Goo, and continued nursing, placenta tucked safely under my arm with Crash still attached in order to reap all of the benefits of an empowering and healing Lotus Birth.

While Mainstream "Mothers" are often too busy with their careers and such, Dolphin Mothers's children are her career. Total motherhood is the only acceptable way for a Dolphin Mother, and Crunchy Earth Mamas as a whole.  Crash's birth is but one example of the sacrifice that a true Crunchy Earth Mama will give for her children, who are her life, her breath, her reason for being. 

And that is why Crunchy Earth Mamas, and me, in particular, are so much better than Mainstream "Mothers."

So there.