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Friday, March 18, 2011

Open Letter to my 'Detachment Parenting' Mother on How She Ruined My Birthing

Dear Mom,

I used to think it was normal and acceptable what you were doing to me. My entire childhood, I thought I was *lucky*, even. Every weekend, when you sent me to my grandparents to stay with them overnight, I thought it was so great. Other kids were jealous because they didn't see their grandparents so much, and my grandmother was always baking homemade cookies and pies. Grandad made apple cider for us and taught me how to climb the trees in their expansive backyard. I felt I was the luckiest kid ever.

But then I became a mother myself. I look deep into those cloudy grey-blue eyes of my sweet daughter, and I know, deep into the core of my heart, I could never, ever leave her the way you left me. Every weekend, just sending me off like a castaway rag. Here I had thought I was just meant to be enjoying time with my grandparents, but now it's obvious to me that you just didn't want me around. And even though I didn't consciously realize that until now, I must have subconsciously known it.

It's the only explanation.

If I had been loved properly, if I had been attached, if I had had a real mom… then I would never have made the decision to get an epidural during my goddess-making. Here I was, preparing to bring my daughter earthside, in an event that should have connected me with all women across space and time in a holy harmonic symphony of moaning, and I couldn't feel anything below my waist. Why? Because I didn't want to be in "pain." Because the pain I carry with me every single day, the pain in my heart from not feeling your love, the pain of knowing I am just a castaway rag to you, is already too much. To also feel the "pain" of power surges must have seemed too much for me. I put myself and my own feelings ahead of my sweet daughter, and asked for spinal intrusion.

I will never get that moment back. I will never be able to give Skymoonflower the birth she deserves. And it's all because of you.

Needless to say, she will not be eating your homemade cookies every weekend. She will be home with ME where I can shower her with the unconditional love I never knew until her imperfect entrance into the world.

With eternal disgust,
Nectar Jones

5 comments:

  1. Isn't it just so weird that we find what we thought were among our happiest childhood memories are actually suppressed memories of abuse and the worst moments of our lives.

    You r post touched me. Until I found mothering.com and later mama Tao I though my first children's births were wonderful and my own childhood almost idyllic.

    Only by reading, educating myself, freeing myself from ignorance with the wise words of the women who populate these two communities did i realize that in fact I was remembering everything wrong.

    My births were birth failures, redolent with birth rape, which in turn led me to see that my deep bond with my children was not real.

    So now i fantasize a bit about them dying and how it wouldn't be so terrible compared to "losing" my (surviving) babies brought earthside at home.

    I also realized my parents were awful to me as a child due to detachment. So i don't let them see my kids anymore and I have had to put the phone down and refuse to answer the door in order to maintain a dignified silence towards their entreaties for an explanation.

    Because I can't bear to say the words of my pain to anybody other than the special few who read babble.com confessions.

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  2. followed a link here, wish I hadn'tMarch 18, 2011 at 1:19 PM

    Seriously, I had no idea that natural parenting was so full of freaks. I've read the whole blog in just total disgust and horror.

    At this point I think I'll take my chances at hospital with an epidural rather than find myself in the company of people like you guys.

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  3. Who are you calling a freak? You're just mad because we are more NATURAL tahtn you :P

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  4. another regretful link followerMarch 18, 2011 at 2:10 PM

    You are almost as bad as the loonies over at mothering.com. Which is not something I ever though I'd hear myself say.

    It does however confirm that the mindset that informs home birth is not just a benign slightly hippy outlook, but something altogether darker, and obscene.

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  5. Oh Nectar, you are so brave for sharing. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

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