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Friday, March 18, 2011

Ask Mama Tao: The Case of The Giant Placenta

Dear Mama Tao,
I have a question that I really hope you can help me with. Do you know of any techniques that would enable me to grow a mega-placenta, or possibly just a placenta without a baby? There are so many uses for the placenta, it's too hard for me to pick just one! I want to eat it raw, eat it cooked, encapsulate it, bury it, make prints with it, let it rot all lotus-birth style, and make cuddly toys out of it. I also had an idea that I could make a baby carrier for baby-wearing from it, or maybe a cute bag to carry my cloth diapering supplies and mama-cloth. And I've been thinking about trying to lacto-ferment a placenta. I think it would taste like salami, which I miss from my pre-vegan days. I wasted the placentas from my first 7 births because I was uneducated. Knowing this now, I am wondering if my birth experiences were really fulfilling at all, and if I even love my children? I really need your help, thanks!

Dear Madam,
I am deeply worried about the relationship between you and your first seven children--considering their placenta rape, I must urge you to try again. This is why I am not willing to tell you how to grow a placenta without a baby (and there are ways). I feel that you need these extra children to heal!
As far as getting a large placenta, I have always said the best way to get more placentas is to have multiples. Many people have to go through IVF to do this but there are some NATURAL ways to get the job done!
The first thing one needs to do is make yourself ovulate more than on egg at a time. You achieve this by tracking ovulation, and squatting on the floor for as many eggs as you want released. For every squat you must  hold your breath and then release it with a giant “HUT!” as you stand up.
After you have released your eggs, like a giant featherless chicken, you need to fertilize them. Have sex with your partner 6-7 hours after you ovulate to get the best results. To make sure that every one of your precious ovum are met with their perfect sperm you must them stand on your head for 24-36 hours!
 Follow these steps and I can assure you many children and plenty of Placenta to try out all your crafts!

11 comments:

  1. Can I know how to grow a giant placenta ? Mail me.

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  2. Hallowed be my VagainaMarch 18, 2011 at 5:48 PM

    I did that, I grew a super placenta, we used it to upgrade to a Lotusissimo birth.

    It's very Milan.

    Big plancetas are the new black.

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  3. I am sitting here, weeping, grieving the loss of my precious, precious placentae. And the more I bask in the radiant pools of your Mama Wisdom, the more I realize what an inadequate woman and mama I am. I could claim ignorance, but that would be such a pale excuse and only hinder the birth healing that I and my spawn obviously need to undergo.

    It pains me to say it, but I must make full confession, Mama Tao. I not only let the hospital Nazis steal my precious placentae from me and throw it away like yesterday's trash. It's worse than that. I have reason to believe my last two might have been sent to some place called "path all oh gee." Something about abruption and previa . . . I didn't catch all the details because I wasn't educated yet.

    I am now, though, and it's all starting to make sense . . . the crying jags, the disturbing behavior I see in my 3 year old, my newborn's refusal to sleep all night through, my recurrent recent dreams about tsunami . . . I see now that it's all part of my discarded placentae calling out to me in pain.

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  4. Hallowed be her VaginaMarch 18, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    path all oh gee is where they take our placentas to try and steal our babies souls !!!

    What have you done to your poor innocent birth experience reminders in your ignorance woman !!

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  5. Hallowed, I now realize that my crimes against humanity are so great that I do not DESERVE the label "woman" (and certainly not "mama").

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  6. Hallowed be her VaginaMarch 18, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    No bunnies, you too have the ability to become a birth goddess.

    Look the kids who now have no souls due to path all oh gee rape ..well what can you do, nothing. so bet to forget about it and start over with them by making new children that you can have the RIGHT birth experience with. the soulless ones can learn about material love and bonding by watching you with the new ones. It will be healing for all, but especially you. And that's what matters.

    There is no such thing as a happy child with a mother who is preoccupied mourning a birth that failed to live up to her totally justified expectations.

    So buck and get on, there are two future children who need you to get busy planning their birth so they can be happy.

    ((((((((((((you could be a birth goddess like us if you just try a bit harder this time))))))))))))

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  7. You speak such wisdom, wise woman. Two little questions. What should I do with those two now-soulless children? Can I leave them out on a hillside to die of exposure, as they did in Ancient Greece? And what should I tell my DH? I know, I know, I haven't progressed to the point I should have in terms of asserting my sole right to make any and all decisions. I still DO cave in to the "they're my children, too" card.

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  8. There is no need to waste a child and future chore doer simply becasue they are souless! They may be able to understand love in some way by seeing you wiht your new, better family!

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  9. @BunniesAndFlowers Today it is the "they're my children, too", tomorrow you will be being birth raped by an OB/Gyn with a "dead baby" card.

    YOU need to tear down the inherent hierarchical structure of "cards". Fight back with your womanly vaginal anti-card wisdom!

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  10. I have a long road to travel toward wisdom, mamas! I didn't even KNOW there was a hierarchical structure of "cards." I know now it's all part of the same conspiracy. Thank you for sharing this bit of research, JW!

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  11. Ahh bunnies the longer you are a REAL natural mama the more you will find that our very ethos is built on a foundation that echoes the nature of the hallowed house of cards that Mama Tao has chosen to share with you.

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