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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Guest Blog: Elderberry's Birth Story

Between 11am and 9:30pm Friday, the surges began but they felt so distant, like a tide lapping on a far away exotic shore that  I wasn't sure this was the real thing. They barely resonated in my soul at first. We  popped our brood into beddy byetime only to find that my mother's, step brother's, half-sister's, ex-husband's, cousin's, new neighbor had not returned to retrieve my 1 year old niece (she is on constant loan as a conception charm, so sweet !). Of course, she decided to wake 9 out of our  15 (surviving) children. Hence the beginning of  the pajama festa we hadn't factored into the equation !
LP did all he could to get them to sleep, but they could sense the baby's arrival and three of them were having visions from the goddess and chanting prophesies re the new addition which didn't help, it is so hard having truly psychic children (sigh\preen). I rocked and did jumping jacks during the surges at the start as LP filled the sea water haven with our imported water from Borneo (we'll work out how to pay the 10,000 grand for that after we stave off the foreclosure on the house, just as soon as LP gets his 6th job).
Then I communed with the goddess. I took a non conscious prayer session for a while. My deepest apologies for not focusing on the admin and taking detailed notes of when each thing happened, I guess I lost focus on the importance of recalling of even the most mundane event. I'm already preggo again and will make sure the next birth doesn't get screwed up by the same sort of oversight.
Suddenly the surges told me in a Goddess voice to stop lying down. LP said my vocalizations were blissfully pattern free and freethinking between 7, 10,12, 19, 42 minutes apart. I focused on the goddess levitating me  back and forth between the salt water birthing pool to the Eco shower, hooked up to next door's grey water out pipe. (saving the planet always comes first, family motto, "waste nothing, not even waste")
To be candid, there was a nano second when excruciating pain tried to muscle its way into my head space. I worked on convincing myself it was actually waves and like really fun and empowering. I focused on having to come you guys and admit I failed to avoid reality breaking through my defenses and had gone to the hospital for help. With this and our mantra "trust more, think less" a million times over, it WORKED ! (kind of).
Well that and the idea of how much shame and social isolation  I would feel by failing to do this unassisted after all my big talk.
LP came back in, just as I came out of my fantasy world a second and noticed I had been pushing for ages without even noticing, thank goodness I am in tune with my body !!. He began to emote to the Goddess on my behalf by quoting bits from the Great Scribblings to give me  strength.
"I will increase very greatly thy surges and thy turkey baster conceptions; in surges thou shalt bring forth loads of children; unto thy husband thou shalt be vaguely attracted, and ye shall rule over he"
Isn't that beautiful ?
I asked LP to give me an internal inspection. He was taken aback since of course we have always regarded anything going IN to my vagina, rather than out of it, as a gross invasion and a massive crime against the goddess which ever way you look at it.
But I was failing to trust birth (I will flagellate LP for this later, LP has made me a special cat of nine tails from the umbilical cord, decorated with homemade nails, how cute is that ( =  ) so I pleaded with him and he did. Although it would have been nice if he had washed his hands first since he had just cleaned up the pig pen. Still they are OUR nice friendly germs, not evil hospital ones, so no harm done.
At the shock of something going the wrong way, UP my vagina, the sacred water bag broke and my birth experience reminder slipped down into position.  With an orgasm (they don't feel at all like the usual ritually self induced ones, but they are still orgasms, but bigger and way hotter, like white hot flames, you need to know this in order to recognize them) baby came out just fine. Although we had some problems with the cord, but we muddled though and it all turned out OK. Babies don't usually breathe for a while after birth and the cord was still pulsating so all was well on the oxygen\brain damage front. Blue is the new pink LOL !
There were no problems at all, part from a bit of hemorrhaging,  which threatened to ruin everything cos I had to go to hospital after I bled right through the bed (I just know this is because of that woman who keeps coming on our board to complain about her home birth loss, she spread her negativity onto my womb).
They unnecessarily injected me with some disgusting chemical that will probably give me cancer and birth raped my uterus by massaging it.
I took a quick unconscious prayer session, allowed them to check the baby, with me breathing down their necks and being rude the whole time for baby's safety. Oh it was a boy by the way.
We were pretending we had an oops, but my justifiable pride at UCing broke through a bit and I kept winking and smirking every time LP told them it was fast and unexpected, so I think they rumbled us.
 It was not a problem though because the doctor was like TOTALLY on our side. In fact he told me that UCing was probably the safest bestest way for a mama to give birth, but he said this in code cos obviously he didn't want to lose his license.
Everybody else in the room heard "irresponsible, insane, putting child at unnecessary risk, I should call social services cos you seem incapable of putting your children's NEEDS before your own desires", but he winked after my breastmilk spurted and hit him in the eye, so we both knew that my interpretation, reading between the lines, was on the money.
So there you have it...Bedlam's birth. No Fracas's. Wait, it'll come to me. which one is the newest ? Oh yeah !! Tumult ! that's the one. I think. Am tired LOL. It's hard to keep all the names straight when you are busy with a newborn and have preggo brain.
Peace from Goddess-in-me and little Bedlam..... or Fracas. One of the kids anyway.


  1. Eruska Berlingo JohnsonMarch 18, 2011 at 2:50 AM

    Yes I found also that in fact most doctors are in favour of UC if you just read between the lines of what they say.

    I would even tell you the name of mine and the hospital, but that would reveal my identity since I live in a place of just 4 million souls, so i can't. Otherwise I would prove it to the world. But you can't be too careful on the internet about revealing your identity.

    Eruska Berlingo Johnson

  2. I 'am an obyng. anjd I agree with ucing. It is the best way for a mama to give birth. It'is safter than the terrible hospital. at hospital we hurt you and your baby cos we like golf. So yes, we docotrs think UC is super safer and you should do it.

    Trust me I am a doctor with mny yeers experense of birthing babes and most of my colleeges agree with me. We don't say it in public cos we will lose ower jobs and we like the money to much to be honist.

    So mamas remmber even the medicil people think you are doing teh wight thing. I am prof this is a FACT

  3. I am a L&D nerse I think Ucing is write. We know hospital isbad but we need a job. I am prof that UCing is the write thing to do cos i work in a hosptel and see the teribel things we do. run womim run, run home to birth yor babes ! FACT !! all teh other nerse at werk agree with me to. also in the hospiels.