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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ask Mama Tao- Bonding, Prolapsed Uteri and Salt Water Birth

Dear Mama Tao, I absolutely have to return to work eight weeks after my son's birth because my family will starve otherwise. Will my bond with him be forever destroyed if he has to get pumped milk in bottles?

Dear Brandi,
Why did you have kids? Seriously? There is a whole Nile River filled with Crocodile dung you could have shoved up your Yoni to keep your baby box free of fetuses, but you chose to bring life into this world and now you want me to help you figure out how to be a super womyn with a  job and a well bonded baby? I think not.
Of course your bond with your child is going to go to hell. How could it not? It is your babies RIGHT to have his Mother's breast milk (from her breast) until he is 2 years old. Considering you're going to starve if you don't go back to work the only thing I can tell you to do is to hire a wet nurse or to have your husband lactate. The relationship between you and your baby might be gone, but at least the child can bond with someone. Please don't write me again. You depress me.

Dear Mama Tao,
I am now done having kids, my 9 children bring me so much love and their births were the high points in my life. But here is my problem, I have prolapse organs, and find it hard to keep all my business "inside" do you have any natural remedies that could help me? I would much appreciate it!

Dear Lappsy,
As Elderberry once told me, "[r]eal womyn have prolapsed organs and the true test of a womyn is when she sits down to pee and her lady bits take a dunk in the potty" (This was before she had started NATURAL squatting). Either way I urge you not to undo the glorious gift NATURE has given you. Take to your creative side and make art projects that inspire you with your Uterus (Remember sponge painting? Try Uterus painting!)
The good Goddess never intended for us to remain lovely and tight our entire lives. Embrace your Crone phase and all the glories that come with it!

Dear Mama Tao,
How can I prevent sharks from eating my placenta during my Great Barrier Reef water birth? I need to keep the placenta to make smoothies with.
 Lil' Swimmer

Dear Lil' Swimmer,
I was wondering when my readers were going to get creative and start mixing and matching ideas of when and with whom to give birth. The Great Barrier Reef Birth sounds wonderful and I am almost jelious of you. A sharked attended--saltwater birth sounds like a good way to raise your endorphines and give you the NATURAL pain relief that is all one requires.
Pictured above is a "Shark Cage" and I'd imagine with a little creative thinking you will be able to come up with some type of cage that will not allow your lovely palcenta (or Baby) to float to the bottom of the ocean to be gobbled up by the Chondrichthyes.


  1. Brandi - you can strengthen the bond between you and your baby while you are away from him by using crystals. If you contact me in person, I will give you a copy of my book "Crystals, The Dense Nature Angel Children of Gaia" as well as a beginner satchel of living minerals. As you will learn in my book, there are many techniques you may employ including soaking a piece of quartz in your breastmilk for 10 minutes immediately after pumping. You will also learn how to telepathically communicate with your baby over great distances by carrying a piece of angelite tucked in your yoni chamber (Lappsy - you may also find this useful). I can get the book and stones to you right away if you send me $269.99 (cash, cheque or credit-card) to cover postage and for the stones. The rest (book and blessings) are my gift to you. I suggest you contact me soon, before the harmonic alignment between you and your son is forever damaged.
    With love from the universe xx
    Sunbow Rainbeam Crystalotheraphy
    P.O. Box 486 Station E
    Vancouver BC

  2. Thank you Anonymous. Would you be interested in buying some ad space since you are already using my blog as your billboard?