Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,

I would like to give Deadtree a sibling and with the next birth, regain my birth goddessness. As you know, I previously had to rebirth Deadtree and feel this next birth will complete it the ceremony (Deadtree will be catching the baby when it arrives earthside).

 My question is, what can I put in my Yoni to prevent high blood pressure? Of course, everyone knows that the Yoni holds the key to health and happiness.

Thank you,

Mother of Deadtree and hopefully, Deadhorse

Dear Mother to Deadtree and hopefully Deadhorse,

First might I say that the names you have bestowed upon your children remind me of a certain 90s movie called Tombstone and I adore that. Seeing as how that has nothing to do with blood pressure I have digressed.

The following is my personal remedy for high blood pressure. Remember it is important to use Turkey and not sub beef:

• l to 1 1/2 pounds turkey tenders or cutlets
• 2 tablespoons taco seasoning
• 2 cloves garlic, finely minced
• 1 cup chunky salsa (your choice of heat)(But remember it is a yoni)
• 1/2 cup peach or apricot preserves

Place all the items in the vagina and cook at 98.6 degrees for 7 days. Remember that your Vagina is a crock pot so everything you cook is eatable!