Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mama Tao's Guide to Understand Birth Lingo
Some of you out there might have a bit of a time figuring out what it is that we seasoned Birthing Goddesses are talking about--so I have made a little cheat sheet of terms for you. Enjoy!
Obstetrician - Snobstetrician: Someone who has an MD and is trained to cut babies out of their mother. Usually before they are ready to come out and for no reason. Commonly found on golf courses.
Certified Nurse Midwife- Medwife: This poor practitioner wanted to do right by womyn, but she valued her brain too much and went to nursing school as well as graduate school. Classic over achiever and pretty much the same thing as an SOBYN (and Midwives who live in Europe and Canada).
USA Certified Practicing Midwife- Midwitch: Don't let her under education bother you. She has delivered over 50 babies and mixes her craft with a touch of ill begotten medical skills and superstition.
Homeopathic Remedy- Water: That's right kids. This stuff is the safest substance in the world. You can take the entire bottle and it won't hurt you a bit...which should be your first clue.
Chiropractor- Chiroquacktor: Snap, Crackle and Pop are not just your breakfast cereal anymore! The more you pop the healthier you are. In fact, adjustments are best done on babies. The smaller the better!
Anesthesiologist- Aneskeezyologist: Need I say more? Anyone who likes to stick long things into someone else is clearly a pervert and nothing more.
Disagreement- Bullying: This includes things like"You're wrong" "You're spreading dangerous ideas" and any type of advice that disagrees with you. If you can't get others to believe it's bullying then lie about the attackers and tell others they were threatening you. This will make you a martyr and get you lots of attention.
Epidural - Epidevil: Drugs are bad things during labor. In any other case, such as your appendix rupturing, they are fine but when in labor they can cause problems. People have reported headaches, flying monkeys and DEATH!
Perinatologist - PeriSNORTologist: These doctors are a special class of moron and are mostly drug addicts. They have been known to do lines of blow off of a newborns back. Truth!
Pitocin- Pricktocin: This is a special drug made to s'plode your uterus. Taking it to start labor will surely kill you. However, if used by a non medical professional illegally, to stop bleeding, it is considered safe.
Child Loss- NATURAL: Sorry to say it, but babies die...all the time. When they die at home it is as nature intended and not something that could have been fixed at the hospital. When they die at the hospital it was clearly murder.Your baby dying is not the worst outcome. Transfering to a hospital during a homebrith only to be birth raped and left with a kid you can't love is the worst option.
NATURAL- Good: NATURE is good. Mother nature is actually a person and thinks like one too. She has feelings and emotions and would never do anything to hurt you. If you die in a NATURAL way, even at 17, from an illness that is preventable, it is NATURAL and GOOD!