Good Birth attendant Tips

      What happens when the only things bright and vibrant about your birthing Mama are her hair, makeup and birth accessories?  What happens when her skin is ashen gray and she's no longer responsive?  Quite often what is happening is that Mama is experience a Postpartum Hemorrhage (abbreviated as PPH) 

     You often her medwives and OBs blabbering on about Active management of the third stage of labor (Abbreviated AMTSL) but any good holistic midwife knows that the need for traction and uterotonic drugs is a load of fearmongering and hogwash.
     All you need is to cut off a chunk of the placenta if it has expelled or if not cinnamon hard candies work in a pinch.  Make sure that you're using real cinnamon candies not some artificial sugar free GMO HFCS garbage.
Happy Clotting ladies

XOXOX
Harmony

Welcome to The Mama Tao Team.... Harmony

Harmony River-Rain Revolution

We'd like to give a Big Mama Tao style welcome to Harmony River-Rain Revolution, our newest member of the team.  Harmony is a seasoned Midwife with more than 20 births under her belt.  She is an amazing photographer and will be using her skills to capture birth photos for the blog.  Harmony will be acting as chief editor here at themamatao.com.  Her duties will enclude both the literary editing and visual editing.
Hoping that she likes us and feels a warm and cozy welcoming from the readers, as well as, the rest of the team.

Dear Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I need a birth-related project for the lint I collect from my dryer vent.  Any suggestions?
The lint is gray.
signed,
A disenfranchised Gen X slacker

Dear slacker,
dryer lint has many birth uses.  You can weave a reboz to use to help during labor with stuck bebehs.  You can use it to stuff you hand knit tampons uppin there absorbing powers.  Or just use it to seal up a rectovaginal fistula
love,
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I am pregnant but I can't be sure when I conceived.  I don't chart.  How can I find out when I don't want to get one of those dangerous sonograms
signed,
knocked up in MI

Dear knocked up,
babies come when they are ready who cares when you conceived.  love,
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
Do Garlic and yogurt have any other uses besides, well you know....in the chacha, the way nature intended.  Because Mah neighbor said something about tzatziki, it's like this Greek thang?  I just can't imagine using that stuff, for, like, food.  Do people actually EAT those there thangs?  
signed,
Ooohmpah

Dear Ooohmpah,
anything you can put in your yoni you can put in your mouth.  Ooooom nom nom and it will also help keep yer guts healthy and teh yeasts out.
love, 
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
I had my baby 10 months ago and I still have not stopped bleeding.  I had a fourth degree tear but my midwife just told me to keep my legs closed.  I have not opened them in almost a year.  Why can't I heal like Nature intended?
signed,
Horny in Appalachia

Dear Horny,
Pfffft trust yer sacred yoni and get some dryer lint. And FFS keep yer damn legs closed.
Love, 
Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao,
why does my son have tongue-tie and eczema? Oh and asthma? What did I do while preggo with him to cause all these problems? I know it must be my fault! And if not, then it certainly is my doctor's! Who's to blame?
And before you respond, you should know I don't put much stock in scientific studies.  I've tried coconut oil, GSE, GV, and donor milk and nothing has helped!  Who should be held responsible?
signed, 
Shittay moma

Dear Shittay,
first use google to find Robert S. Mendelsohn, M.D. and if you're not too poor you should buy his books too.  BUT MEh who needs books when you have teh google research?   I don't believe scientifc studies and neither does Mendelsohn prefer the Emperical evidence to science mularkey.  
Well........ as far as blame.  your doctor is to blame for being brainwashed and giving you terrible assvice like getting vaccines but you are to blame for being uneducated enough to listen to him.  google is your friend.
Love,
Mama Tao

Whatz behind dose curtains

So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.

Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!

I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::

The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.

The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  

 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??

Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.

Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.

 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  

As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.

Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.

I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!

A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there

A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa

A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!

A Magik Unicorn

You canz evern make her horn haz glitters

A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild

RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!

all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Who We Are--The Wonderful Staff of Mama Tao--Part II

Ulrike Woodandfelt
Ulrike Woodandfelt is a very talented ND, CPM, Holistic Minister who lived in Stockholm, Germany with her genatilly intact husband and her three virgin daughters. She love the study of Ultrasound and its dangeroud effects on the brains of babies and Mothers.


Goldenwolf Mooncloud
Goldenwolf Mooncloud, age 30, is the mother to seven: Quicksilver Bean (10), Jupiter Odin (9), Jane (7), Stormy Rainbow (6), Resplendent Quetzal (4), and twins Mushroom and Seagull (2). She and her life partner Mustang hope for an eighth baby soon! Her favorite parts of motherhood are baby/toddler/tweenwearing and super-extended nursing. Goldenwolf also loves being a healer – she is trained as a homeopath, an aromatherapist, a yoni massage therapist, a knitting therapist and a tarot reader. She hopes to soon learn about mud therapy and drum therapy from Mustang’s dear mother, Oaktree, an expert in both healing modalities.



Mother X

Lactivism Lizzie

Nachural cosmetics!

finally something natchuural to make you Mama's look your best for yourselves (only a slave to the man would care what anyone else thinks) Here is a new line coming to a Natural Market Place near you soon by apothacary guru **Luna Marie Drain**

vernix facial moisturizer
meconium hair gel
amniotic fluid mouth wash and parefume
Baby's first pee facial toner
Breastmilk after bath splash
 Amniotic fluid douche. Keep your yoni baby fresh!
Meconium mascara 
cord blood blush
Lochia under eye moisturizer
Placenta hair conditioner
sperm facial mask
and as a free gift when you buy the set a limited edition Placenta cosmetic bag-all the 

products come inside and the handle is the umbilical cord.

I can't wait to get my paws on this to review it for all my readers!

Last minute gift ideaz

I saw some other bloggers making midwifery bags for their spawn and I was appalled at how lame those were and how much was lacking from them.  come on now, letz get real for a moment and teach 'EM what being a DEM is really all about.  SO I MADE some of my own and you can too!

Here is a layout of the entire kit and caboodle that I threw together

~ A *WINNER* sticker since everyone one who has a HBAC is a winner unlike those losers who birth with OBs, MFM, or CNM in hospitals
~ Some Iodine so you can pretend you give a shit a bout infection controling
~ Some suture....ahaha poor sucker not like you'll ever use this and you can just tell Moma to keep her legs closer for 6 weeks since nachural healing is better than stitcheded
~A suture removal kit since yeah you'll fuck up her cooter even worse f you actually try to sew her up and need to remove that shit

 ~Some hand knitted floating pooopies
~A net so you can catch those floaters and sift them out of the kiddie pool that Moma is birfing in so she doesn't realize how damn fithy that water really is
~ A bag of expired meds that you have no idea how to use.  Hope the 9-1-1 operator can help you when moma has a PPH
~A bottle of EVERCLEAR Grain Alcohol (for you to drink and Moma) 190 PROOF make REALLY REALLY REALLY sure Mum fogetz how fucking horrible it and you were

 ~A doobie to set the mood of the room
~A play stethoscope...let's be real here a DEM doesn't know WTF to do with a real one so a pretend one is way cheaper to buy

 ~Some ACV since well I put that shit on everything
~ Fake blood concentrate.  To add to the realizm in teh brif pool
~A flashlight for looking up Moma's Yoni

 ~Blueberry infused Coffee and some industrial tubing.  Don't forget about the Coffee Enema
~ A Patchouli scented candle to cover the smell of ganja, poop, vomit and teh odder birf smellz
~ Don't forget something to knit so you can look busy while you tell Moma "TRUST BIRTH" and sit on your ass

 A beautiful organic hemp bag with *MIDWITCH* emblazed across it so evrybody knows zactly what you do

ANNNNNNNNNNND Some potassium chloride to kill the bitch with no trace so you can make an escape if  something goes wrongs....pfffft who pays for malpracticing insurance

Oh and ALWAYZ take homebirth pictures in black and white....NObodyz needs to see how nasty that shit it

Don't fear the new

The TRUTH will SET you free from the chains of being a mainstream Mama

 As the sun sets on 2012 Mama Tao just wanted to give y'all some teasers for thingz to come in 2013

Recipes LOTZ and LOTZ of Recipes some for eating and some for not.  I have been cookin' up some fabu Allllllll Nachhhhhhural health and beauty AIDS and ahhhmahhhhzing homeopathic remidiez for all that ailes you.
Interviews with some of the parenting and birth greats
Practical craftz what to do with thoz leftovers of this and that
BIRF Stories LOTZ of fresh new AHHHHMazing birf stories

Glitterlovebabydust
Mama Tao OUT for 2012

WAKE UP AND SMELL YOUR BABY MAMAS

I has some angryz right now.  I thought Lacitivist were supposed to be enlightened to all the nachural wayz??  "They are!" you say.... Well then WHY TEH FUK are they doing this?

"Why are you so outspoken about the topic of hats on newborns?
My first concern is safety, my second is experience....and as it turns out the experience of birth is what triggers the built in safety mechanisms. This is also true for third stage. Mom being able to smell her newborn’s head is the design for the REconnection of mother and baby (smell of baby to olfactory system to limbic system = initiation of “identification” biology) AND release of oxytocin signaling the uterus to release placenta and stop bleeding so necessary for mother’s health. In addition to hats interfering with bonding and safety of third stage, hatting restricts the UNmoulding of the baby’s skull. The hats we use in the U.S. do NOTHING for maintenance of core temp according to the studies I have found, and in fact one study showed that a hat was detrimental to maintenance of core temp. Brain cooling may actually be good for all babies and not those who have potential brain damage. And studies show that nakey, skin to skin with mom is most effective way to stabilize core temperature and that, in fact, her body will heat and cool as needed for baby’s sake as it did when baby was inside. Brilliant! We cannot improve on this design. Why do we keep trying? We are so peer dependent. One midwife does it, one birth supply house sells them and we are off to the races. We have to do what everyone else does. My challenge is that we do NOTHING unless we know why or why not, even if every other midwife we know is doing it. I never have and would NEVER put a hat on a newborn and I am hoping that in my lifetime, I can have some effect on other people doing the research and ditching the hats." -Carla HartleyThere is nothing nachural about hatting your babe EVAR.  Still not nachural even if you make it look like a perfect pre-baby making days boobie.  You are messing up the mama infant bond with hats.  So damnit mamas Off with Their Hats!

"Please do the research...Stop hatting newborns....you are screwing up bonding...the olfactory system takes those lovely pheromones coming right out the top of the baby's head straight to its mamma's deep limbic system where it is WAITING for her baby's smell....not some other smell....HER baby's smell. Hats do not keep baby warmer and indeed unless you are birthing naked on the tundra the best way to keep baby warm anyway is old fashioned skin to skin....put NOTHING between mamma and baby. And while I am preaching.....consider the fact that the hat impedes the UNmoulding of the head. Baby hats are NOT natural. When I see home birth midwives —who should know better— putting hats on babies in all these youtube videos I want to scream. You are messing with something way above your paygrade. Mammas are supposed to have access to all that there baby has to offer...and vice versa."-Carla Hartley

Put down the damn knitting needles.  Or better yet here is a list of TEN (10) useful things you busybodiez could make instead. 

1. Felted breast pads. So Mama can catch every last drop of teh liquid Gold and wring it out into bebes mouth.  Never waste a SINGLE DROP

 2. Squid Menstrual cup cozy.  Now your diva cup will always be snuggly and easy to find and any extra blood will just look like squid ink

 3. tampons easy peasy and a quick knit so you can easily make your mama friend and entire bouquet of them using up your scrap yarnz

 4. Mama Cloth For catching the lochia since nothing goes in the VAAAAAAAAAAGINA for 6+ weeks after that ahhhhhhhhhhh-mazing HBAMC.  Keeps those knees closed.

 5. Cthulhu Cocksock needz no 'splainin obviously

6.  Anatomically Correct Childbirth Education Doll This is a great sibling gift for LOs who's Mama will be having a Homebirth soon.  Great for preparing them for when Mama is having teh bebe

7. knit turds These go great with the Childbirth dolly so that kidlets are not alarmed by all the giant turds that will be floating 'round the birthing tub.  You can even buy them fishing nets and make catching mamas poops a game for them.

8. A VA-VA-Vulva Great for using as a focal point during labor surges.  Mama can vissulize her cooter growing to a massive size as she shoots her 11+lb bebe down through the love canal

9. Seamless Pecker warming bag Keep Daddy modest and you from having to see turtle dick when he hops out of the birth tub to refill your raspberry leaf tea.

10. A Headband for Mama Mama can use this to keep her dreadlokz out of the tub during labor and out of her face when bonding with her new bebe so nothin is in the way of their faces

click these to get the patterns shown above

Tittie blankets

Squid

roll yourr own tampooooons

Lochia ragz

cthulhu cocksock
Doll with wild 1970s bush
Catch and Release
life like snatch
weiner mitten
Dredz Holder

Remember them always

Victims of the shootings in Sandy Hook, CT December 14th 2012

Dawn Hochsprung, 47

Mary Sherlach, 56

Vicki Soto, 27

Lauren Rousseau, 30

Nancy Lanza, 54

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Rachel Davino, 29

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Madeline Hsu, 6

Catherine Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison Wyatt, 6