10 reasons not to trust your OB

1. Your OB is probably a man.
2. Men don't have a Yoni.
3. If he has no yoni he's never charted his cycle to know exactly when he ovulates.
4. he has no ovaries.
5. he has no uterus.
6. If he has no uterus he's never been pregnant.
7. If he's never been pregnant he's never been in labor.
8. If he's never been in labor he's never felt contraction surges.
9. If he's never felt contraction surges he's never had a natural birth.
10. If he's never given birth naturally he's not an expert on natural birth.

Last minute gift ideaz

I saw some other bloggers making midwifery bags for their spawn and I was appalled at how lame those were and how much was lacking from them.  come on now, letz get real for a moment and teach 'EM what being a DEM is really all about.  SO I MADE some of my own and you can too!

Here is a layout of the entire kit and caboodle that I threw together

~ A *WINNER* sticker since everyone one who has a HBAC is a winner unlike those losers who birth with OBs, MFM, or CNM in hospitals
~ Some Iodine so you can pretend you give a shit a bout infection controling
~ Some suture....ahaha poor sucker not like you'll ever use this and you can just tell Moma to keep her legs closer for 6 weeks since nachural healing is better than stitcheded
~A suture removal kit since yeah you'll fuck up her cooter even worse f you actually try to sew her up and need to remove that shit

 ~Some hand knitted floating pooopies
~A net so you can catch those floaters and sift them out of the kiddie pool that Moma is birfing in so she doesn't realize how damn fithy that water really is
~ A bag of expired meds that you have no idea how to use.  Hope the 9-1-1 operator can help you when moma has a PPH
~A bottle of EVERCLEAR Grain Alcohol (for you to drink and Moma) 190 PROOF make REALLY REALLY REALLY sure Mum fogetz how fucking horrible it and you were

 ~A doobie to set the mood of the room
~A play stethoscope...let's be real here a DEM doesn't know WTF to do with a real one so a pretend one is way cheaper to buy

 ~Some ACV since well I put that shit on everything
~ Fake blood concentrate.  To add to the realizm in teh brif pool
~A flashlight for looking up Moma's Yoni

 ~Blueberry infused Coffee and some industrial tubing.  Don't forget about the Coffee Enema
~ A Patchouli scented candle to cover the smell of ganja, poop, vomit and teh odder birf smellz
~ Don't forget something to knit so you can look busy while you tell Moma "TRUST BIRTH" and sit on your ass

 A beautiful organic hemp bag with *MIDWITCH* emblazed across it so evrybody knows zactly what you do

ANNNNNNNNNNND Some potassium chloride to kill the bitch with no trace so you can make an escape if  something goes wrongs....pfffft who pays for malpracticing insurance

Oh and ALWAYZ take homebirth pictures in black and white....NObodyz needs to see how nasty that shit it

7 Recipes for Giving Your Child Down's Syndrome

By Jade Jymson

Ladies, recently I was reading a wonderful work of art written by a Ms. Gloria Lemay. Many of you might know  her as the high school dropout turned Certified Practicing Midwife.  One her lovely blog  she recently posted and lovely article that apparently had two titles. Title number one was “7 Recipes for Causing Autism!” but apparently the natives were hostile to the idea so she changed it to  “7 Recipes for Scrambling the Brain of a Baby”. That’s much better!

Following in her lead I have compiled my own list of 7 things you must do IF you want to give your child Down's syndrome!

1)      Read ANY books or scientific studies. The worst enemy of a baby in the womb is knowledge gained from anywhere but the almighty Internet. Since many of you come here for your information, your little bubs should be safe.

2)      Drinking any soda or liquids with bubbles in it. Bubbles cause extra gas in your tummy and irritate the uterus causing a slight cramp which leads to Down's Syndrome. You following me, here? Good!

3)      Eating a diet that contains meat. Eating an only vegan diet is the way to stay safe. Humans were never meant to eat meat and one can prove this by the fact that our back teeth and flat and our front teeth are sharp for ripping and tearing garden veggies!

4)      Listening to the radio. Radio waves are made from sounds and we all know that sounds scramble our brains and even mutate future generations.  Bats use sound waves to see and everyone knows that bats are insane—thus the term “Bat Shit Crazy”

5)      Having negative thoughts. Our thoughts directly create the truths of the future. A situation is only managed by your positive or negative energy. You CAN think your way out of situations using positive energy.

6)      Birthing your baby in a hospital. All hospitals have a potion that gives children Down's Syndrome and they have to produce a certain amount per year to meet quota and keep their government funding. Don’t trust them with your little one.

7)      Use Disposable diapers.  I know that many of you are wondering how this is possible but it is very true that children can actually get Down's Syndrome after they are born and even up to a year. What it is NOT is a genetic issue, M’kay? Oh, and diapers cause it!

 So there you have it ladies! And now that you all know the truth I expect to see the numbers of babies with Down's Syndrome to go crashing DOWN!