Screw the Flu

Pffft, come on now ladies!! Too many Big Pharma shills trying to make you sick with things like "flu shots" since if they make you sick you'll see the doctor more often and then they will get more kickbacks from Big Pharma for all the RX drugs they give you.  Don't be duped.

The Flu is just Dark matter and the Flu vaccine is a joke.

So don't be a sucker, avoid toxic vaccines.  

1. Drink some Placenta infused whiskey tinicture
2. use Kale leaves to wipe the babies nose then Mama should eat them so she can produce antibodies in her milk for the baby. This also works for anyone else in the family you want to feed your breast milk

DON'T FORGET THE ONIONS

Whatz behind dose curtains

So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.

Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!

I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::

The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.

The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  

 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??

Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.

Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.

 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  

As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.

Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.

I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!

A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there

A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa

A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!

A Magik Unicorn

You canz evern make her horn haz glitters

A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild

RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!

all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Last minute gift ideaz

I saw some other bloggers making midwifery bags for their spawn and I was appalled at how lame those were and how much was lacking from them.  come on now, letz get real for a moment and teach 'EM what being a DEM is really all about.  SO I MADE some of my own and you can too!

Here is a layout of the entire kit and caboodle that I threw together

~ A *WINNER* sticker since everyone one who has a HBAC is a winner unlike those losers who birth with OBs, MFM, or CNM in hospitals
~ Some Iodine so you can pretend you give a shit a bout infection controling
~ Some suture....ahaha poor sucker not like you'll ever use this and you can just tell Moma to keep her legs closer for 6 weeks since nachural healing is better than stitcheded
~A suture removal kit since yeah you'll fuck up her cooter even worse f you actually try to sew her up and need to remove that shit

 ~Some hand knitted floating pooopies
~A net so you can catch those floaters and sift them out of the kiddie pool that Moma is birfing in so she doesn't realize how damn fithy that water really is
~ A bag of expired meds that you have no idea how to use.  Hope the 9-1-1 operator can help you when moma has a PPH
~A bottle of EVERCLEAR Grain Alcohol (for you to drink and Moma) 190 PROOF make REALLY REALLY REALLY sure Mum fogetz how fucking horrible it and you were

 ~A doobie to set the mood of the room
~A play stethoscope...let's be real here a DEM doesn't know WTF to do with a real one so a pretend one is way cheaper to buy

 ~Some ACV since well I put that shit on everything
~ Fake blood concentrate.  To add to the realizm in teh brif pool
~A flashlight for looking up Moma's Yoni

 ~Blueberry infused Coffee and some industrial tubing.  Don't forget about the Coffee Enema
~ A Patchouli scented candle to cover the smell of ganja, poop, vomit and teh odder birf smellz
~ Don't forget something to knit so you can look busy while you tell Moma "TRUST BIRTH" and sit on your ass

 A beautiful organic hemp bag with *MIDWITCH* emblazed across it so evrybody knows zactly what you do

ANNNNNNNNNNND Some potassium chloride to kill the bitch with no trace so you can make an escape if  something goes wrongs....pfffft who pays for malpracticing insurance

Oh and ALWAYZ take homebirth pictures in black and white....NObodyz needs to see how nasty that shit it

A Mama and Her Partner Need Our Help

Picture Coming Soon


I found this cry for help sitting in my in-box this morning. Please read his story and see if you can offer any help!

Dear MamaTao,

I’ve just discovered your blog and I feel like the universe has shown the way for me and my soul mate to finally achieve our bliss. You see, my life partner Solstice needs to have a birth experience of her own. She cries herself to sleep every night because she hears the birth stories of all of our friends and feels inadequate and incomplete as a woman. I also wish for a baby to be delivered from her loins, because I am seeking a source of compatible placental or umbilical stem cells. I was genitally mutilated as an infant, against my will, and now I hope to use the stem cells to grow a new foreskin. I have been teaching myself microbiology and recently I succeeded in growing a new foreskin in a petri dish using mouse stem cells, and then transplanting it onto a mouse! It is a very exciting accomplishment because my experiments also showed that the mouse has increased penile sensitivity with his new intact foreskin. So I think the time is right to grown a foreskin of my own.

You might think everything sounds wonderful, and it is, but there is one small problem. Solstice and I do not want to be parents. Of course we both need this pregnancy and birth to make our lives complete, but we do not wish to raise the placenta donor ourselves. The world is already too overpopulated and we do not wish to increase our carbon footprint. That is where your insightful blog and it’s thoughtful, sensitive, EDUCATED readers come in. We have chanted and burned incense more times than we can count, hoping to find suitable adoptive parents who share our nature-loving values and who would like to raise the offspring that results from Solstice’s birth experience. Of course the adoptive parents will be welcome to share in the joy of our unattended homebirth event, perhaps drinking from the birthing pool since we can’t serve you any of the placenta. You will also be welcomed at my foreskin restoration ceremony, where we will honor the gift of the placental cells that were given to us during the birth experience. Solstice will be performing the restoration herself, and is currently practicing on some feral cats that live in our barn.

Please, readers, help us to achieve our dreams. Won’t you consider adopting our placenta donor?

Peace,

Pieter Pecquer-Ghedd