Whatz behind dose curtains

So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.

Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!

I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::

The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.

The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  

 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??

Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.

Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.

 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  

As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.

Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.

I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!

A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there

A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa

A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!

A Magik Unicorn

You canz evern make her horn haz glitters

A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild

RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!

all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Just What Africa Needs??

We have a bit of a problem here dear readers. As it turns out the CentreVita Birth Center (you already said that in your title) of Austin, is hosting a fund raiser to raise money to send more Medwives and medical care to Africa.

Let’s start from the start shall we? Africa was once a great continent that was the center of civilization, until the evil British and Belganeese appeared and screwed up their NATURAL culture and economic system. As a result, the people of Africa (Which is a continent, NOT a country by itself) were left poor and undereducated. The one thing they did have going for them was a well learned, indigenous system of Witch Doctors and Midwitches who know how to let NATURE take its course.

If these MEDwives have their way, the last remaining bits of a millions year old society will crumble under the final wave of UNNATURAL interventions. Women in Africa’s many nations will be forced into hospitals by an overeducated horde that descends upon them like a plague of menstruating locusts!

How do I know this? As it turns out, Faith Beltz, one of the MEDwives who works at this centre (Center for those of us who speak AMERICAN ENGLISH and don’t run around trying to be a fancy pants!)….where was I?

One of these MEDwives has a record (of failure to transfer) that only contains one dead child--who would have been saved if medical intervention had occurred….??!! Only one dead baby that might have made it means something here, sisters. It means that this woman interferes with NATURE. It means that this OB-like woman must be overly trained to do her job and will bring nothing but C-sections and the cascade of interventions ™ to Africa. And if she does it, if she lets one baby live during a homebirth by taking them to the hospital, she will pollute the birthing world and bring a hex of interventions down on us ALL!!

I call to you now Sisters, Mothers, Daughters! Rise up and save the women of Africa from the pitfalls of UNNATURE! If we allow this to happen, next they will be trying to introduce MEDwifery to Eurasia!! It will not stand, sisters!  IT WILL NOT STAND!

River's (Super Sad) Birth Story

I went into labor around 8pm March 13th at 34 weeks and 5 days. Since I’ve been planning my UC for months now, and I knew that the quadruplets would likely come early, it wasn’t really a big deal. I lost my mucous plug and the contractions started in earnest. Around midnight, bright red blood started gushing from my hoo-ha, and my husband was getting nervous. He wanted to call EMS, but I refused to allow it -- I know that blood loss during labor is just a variant of normal. In fact, I suspected that it might be that placenta previa my fired MFMs were so worried about, but since I had done my research, I knew that it wasn’t really a problem. Giving birth naturally involves knowledge of my own body and surrender to it.  To that end, I felt it was important for me to trust my body. I would never let fear dictate my choices. Besides, I fear birthing in the hospital much more than anything that could happen to me at home -- hospitals are not the best place for so-called "high risk" cases like mine. Just by virtue of being labeled as high risk, the hospital procedures that women are pressured into going along with increase their risk of unnecessary interventions and complications.

I was breathing through my contractions, dealing well with the pain and sopping up the blood with a beach towel when we heard a knock on the door. You can imagine my surprise and horror to discover that it was two EMTs. My husband had called them on the sly. I was absolutely furious. How DARE he call 911 and invite the mayhem that medical care, and all the trappings (literally!) it brings, into our little family. The paramedics were sympathetic at first, but once they realized that I had no intention of joining them in the ambulance and going to the hospital, they coldly and manipulatively pulled the dead baby card. Of course, my husband bought it hook, line, and sinker. In spite of the betrayal, I felt the need to calm the fears of my rattled husband, so I agreed to go to the hospital *just* to be checked out. But I knew in my heart of hearts that it was the beginning of the end of my perfect birth experience.

See, from an organized western medicine view, placenta previa is this huge problem, but from a traditional, indigenous perspective, when the birth is kept calm, as the placenta detaches, it is given time to seal off, and the mother (within her reptilian brain and working with her baby) brings the babe down in a timely fashion, and the placenta follows. Something that hospital's "optimum care" cannot fathom--there is just not enough drama. So I knew that as soon as I entered those hospital doors -- the doors of the ambulance, even -- that my calm birth and the chance that my babies had to experience the wonder of my vagina was gone.

Of course, the first thing they wanted to do when I arrived at the hospital was listen to the babies heart rates. The very thing I had originally chosen a UC to avoid. I reluctantly gave in, knowing that this was going to be the first in a long cascade of interventions pushed on me. Of course, the nurse said that there were “late decelerations,” and immediately called the OB. Who again played the “fetal distress” and “dead baby” cards simultaneously. Even with my husband begging me and the doctor’s coercion I was ready to stand firm and refuse the extraction. And then the doctor said something about a court order.

The sobbing from my husband and the spectre of court involvement was just too much for my bruised psyche, and I muttered, “Fine.” It wasn’t consent so much as it was giving up, and I regret it SO MUCH. Why couldn’t I have been stronger?? I failed utterly, and I will never be able to forgive myself. They shoved a needle in my spine and gave me the numbing poison that is a spinal. I was sobbing as they cut into me. The first baby came out, and I just didn’t have the strength to scream, “STOP!” as they rubbed the last of my blood off of her. The nurses gave her a first APGAR of 4, but she perked right up and started breathing and getting a little color into her. And I WEPT as I realized just how unnecessary this ces...(I can’t even bear to type it all the way out) extraction was. She was FINE! The others were fine as well. But then they were held hostage in the NICU overnight for goddess knows what reason. They are here in the room with me now, but I can hardly bear to look at them, knowing that I will have to apologize to them for the way I failed them, every day for the rest of their lives.

And now life must go on, though I don’t know how. I will be forced forgive my husband for his ultimate betrayal so that he can help me to get pregnant again. Because the only way that I will ever be able to recover from this trauma is to have a healing VBAC. One day, I just KNOW that, when I experience a real, NORMAL, birth, I will be able to be a real woman and a real mother. It’s just too bad that I had that ability ripped from me by scalpel with this one.

My Birth Rape

There are those of you out there who might be pregnant and on the brink of making the choice between a NATURAL birth and one of those nasty and dangerous hospital births. I understand that not everyone is able to give birth at home ( for whatever selfish and hateful reasons you may have for risking your perfect birth in a place that never sees NATURAL birth), so I wanted to scare you with my own epidural story.

The truth is friends, I was birth raped by an evil ana “skeezi”oligist! When I found the pain of my (totally induced) labor too painful, I finally broke down and asked for the nasty narcotic cocktail! When the man (who invited a man to my birth?) showed up, he gave me a piece of paper to sign that was threatening to me! It stated that if I did not sit still he would miss my spine and give me a “headache or even death”!

At this point my friends, I was too scared to tell him to stop and he shoved his toxic, narcotic needle in my spine…yes, he spine raped me…

So take this as a warning, friends, when you go to that big, ugly hospital of unnatural intervention…remember me and my tale!

Please feel free to e-mail me your own Birth Rape stories at themamatao@hotmail.com