Whatz behind dose curtains

So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.

Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!

I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::

The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.

The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  

 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??

Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.

Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.

 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  

As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.

Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.

I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!

A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there

A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa

A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!

A Magik Unicorn

You canz evern make her horn haz glitters

A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild

RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!

all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Poll #2 Results

There must be something strange going on here.  The poll results are in and I have to admit that I am baffled at the results of this last poll. It seems that a large portion of my readers actually went to an OBGYN with their first birth???

There are several reasons this scientific data could come out this way.
1) Many of us did not have Internet with our first births, therefor we were uneducated on the subject of birth.
2) And the more likely possibility is that Mama Tao has been infiltrated by hacks who come here merely to mess up my polls!

I see you out there, stopping by and thinking to yourselves "Oh, Mama Tao just wants others to agree with her skewed views of birth!" I know you are there and I am giving you the digital finger!

As for the REAL results of the poll, six of my readers went with a medwife and were assuredly birth raped. Eight of you went with a home birth midwife and were more than likely birth raped.

Perhaps the best news is that a whole dozen of us had the good Internet education needed to have a unassisted labor!! This is very exciting news and further proves my point that childbirth belongs in the hands of Mothers and Fathers!
Thanks for playing along!!

Practical Jokes to Play on OBs this April Fools

Though this is normally a very serious forum in which I can speak freely about all things NATURE in parenting. Seeing as how the gears are starting to roll I wanted to post something funny for you guys. Here are Mama Tao's Practical Jokes to Play on OBs

Joke # 1- The Ugly Virgin Vagina

This joke is one of my all-time favorites. Pick a random OB from the phone book and make an appointment for what you will tell them is "My first Pap Smear".
When you get to the table and spread your hairy legs for the Doc, be sure to act timid and afraid (Not hard to do in the face of a quack!)
Tell the doctor you are a virgin and then present you unstitched and naturally healed vagina to her! She will run away in fear thinking that your Baby Makers has never been touched and is somehow mutated beyond belief.

Let’s show these OBs what a NATURAL vagina looks like!

Joke #2 The Unwanted Enema

This joke will only work if you happen to have transferred to the hospital during your Unassisted Homebirth and seeing as how that fact makes you a total wuss, you will most certainly be forced to get an enema.

Ask the staff if you may flush your body out on your own. ( Most hospital will allow this one bit of freedom). Put the liquid in your bum --but don't let it out. Waddle, butt cheeks clinched, over to the table and commence to pushing--Do I really have to explain this one?

Joke #3 Where’s the Baby?

For this joke you need to have already delivered the baby at home or in the car. Leave your little one with a total stranger you met on the internet who happens to be lactating and get your Husband or life partner to drive you to the hospital.

Upon arrival you are to deliver the placenta, which you have been holding in by squishing your legs tightly together, on the table.

While the OB looks totally confused, you scream in a totally shrill voice “WHERE THE HELL IS MY BABY!!!”

I hope these jokes can work both as humor and activism! Let’s show these OBs we know more than they do even if we didn’t go to school and have only done internet research!