Whatz behind dose curtains

So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.

Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!

I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::

The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.

The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  

 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??

Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.

Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.

 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  

As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.

Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.

I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!

A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there

A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa

A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!

A Magik Unicorn

You canz evern make her horn haz glitters

A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild

RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!

all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Beat the Uterus?

My lady friends. I feel I have made a tremidulus mistake.

This weekend was the celebration of my fourth child, Qwiver Phul's arrival earthside. We have everything ready to party. I made vegan black bean brownies, I went down to the local butcher and bought a whole box full of pig bladders to make ballons with and I even let little Qwiver dye her hair green with some henna.

On my way out of town on my tandem bicycle, I stopped by a cute little wiccan book store. In the very back of the shop, right next to the mogwai, I found the perfect form of entertainment for the little tots as they celebrate.

It was a Pinata, made from recycled family cloth and dyed pink with wild cherry juice. And it was--perfect. You see my friends, the pinata was shaped like a uterus! What  a wonderful choice for a woman who is about to enter her maidenhood!

I knew that my daughter would love taking a stick and beating a personal organ to death in front of her father and brothers! I stuffed it with nuts , berries, fleece maxi pad and diva cups!

It seems that I have made a tragic mistake though. When little  Qwiver picked up that recycled baseball bat and began beating the snot out of the uterus, every single member of my family began weeping.

I was confused at first and then my husband sat me down and gave me some insight as to what he and my children must have been feeling.

As it turns out Jhkeel was bothered by the image of a woman's most beautiful and useful part being smashed in such a disrespectful fashion. And that thought never even occurred to me!

My children gather around my ankles as it occured to me that perhaps instead of beating the candy out of the womb, we should give this Uterus the same respect we give our own. Perhaps the gifts within knew when to come out?

That night is rained and the water leaked into the pinata and weakened it's walls--and the candy came when it was good and ready.

What do you womyn think? Is this a simple and beautiful sign of the wymyn, or is it a tool of misogyny? Leave your thoughts in the comments.