Whatz behind dose curtains

So Mama Tao had a yeast infection as women sometimes do.  Teh yogurts and the probiotics just weren't cutting it so I turned to some of my crunch friends to look for a solution to the Yeasty Beasty.  One of my friends gave me a a nachural remedy.  It looked so easy and fool poof.  So I gave it a shot.

Well......Turn out my girl who gave me this assvice forgots to mention that she enjoys a Brazilian bare bikini area.  Mama Tao is a full bush kinda gal and you can imagine my absolutes HORROR when my pubes also caught a fire.  So there was I was in the bathroom with cheese cloth dangling from sacred yoni and my bush engulfed in flames.  I put out teh firez but I had singed off my entire womanly bush!

I felt shameful like a small girl and I am WIMBIN DAMNIT all.  So I went on a quest to make myself a Merkin so I could be less ashamed and also Papa Tao ain't into youngins he likes a mature full bush on his lady. Oh and what a wild and crazy ride it waz ::SMH::

The first hair I ordered was far to long and thin to make a presentable bush.

The next one was too straight and too coarse.  Real humanz hairs I think tehy lieded.  

 I was like hmmmm, maybes I try some carded wool??

Teh dyeing kept coming so uneven and ERMAHGAWD it was so hot and Itchier than sand fleas on my hoo.

Then I found it.  It was PUUUUURFECT.  I found a place in Canada where I could mail order realz Huuuman pubic hairs and since it's so damn frost up there they are nice and long, thick, soft and curly the way Papa Tao and I lieky them to bees.

 It 'twas magnficant or so I thought.  I even was able to get the dreadz just right, the glitter around mah coin slot.  I finally felt like I could breathe a loooooooooooooooong sigh of relief.  BUT I waz oh so wrong bout that one.  

As it so happens Canadianes don't scrren their pube donors AND don't disinfect the hairz they sell to people.  I contracted teh flesh eatting bacterias on my Yoni from this merkin above just like that poor wymin in Oregon.  But mines waz not from a killah who doesn't wash her hands but from Canadien pubes.  I became very very sick with flu like symptoms and Papa Tao called the Witch Doctor, he could not heal me so they called the the Shaman.  The Shaman could not heal me either so they called a Medicine Wooooooman, but she could not help either and I was very very unwell. Papa Tao decided enough was enough and took me to see BigPharma's shill Drs at the local hospital.  I was admitted to ICU and put into a medically induced coma (or so they say, not so sures on dat being teh truf) and I had to have many many surgeries to removes the necrotix tissues from my mons pubis.  I will never be ables to grow a bush again, I haz no more hair folicles and lotza nasty scars to remind me of how they pube raped me in surgery.

Well, being Mama Tao and knowing nothing is going to hold me down and stop me from spreading all my great knowledge of teh Nachural and crunchy in pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I decided to start my own SAFE  Make'yer own merkin kits for Mamas who are pubic folically challenged like mah self.  If I raise enough moneys I want to donate these to some support groups, like Mamas with Alopecia and burn victims etc etc etc.

I use only teh absolutes finest nice Tibetan Lamb fur pelts harvested from Lambs who have lived free range and died a nachural death.  No animals were cruel to here.
And with this Kit I'll even include some stencilz for ways you can have fun and make it a designer bush. Here are some fun and creative crunchy idears!

A Mustache!~ for all you Hipsters out there

A beutiful pregnant mama's bust~ great way to tell your man he's gonna be a Pappa

A Tree of life~ all life begins in your Yoni!

A Magik Unicorn

You canz evern make her horn haz glitters

A traditional bush shape for those who don't like to go to wild

RAWR RAWR...IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR.  RAPTORS!

all these were cut from one pelt with room to make even more fun fantasy shapes!  They are washable and reusable and free from Streptoccocus 

Moral of teh stories some bushing shouldn't burn EVAR

Mama Tao Answers Your Questions!

I found two questions in my in-box today and both have to do with sexual relations.
Our first question comes to us from Alexandra. She asked:

I Attachment Parent and babywear. If my husband and I want to have sex, should we wear the baby between us, or should she ride on my back when I'm on top? Or should my husband and I stop having sex altogether for the good of our child since that takes away some of her attention which might ruin her attachment to me forever?

That's a great question, Alexandra! While it seems like not having sex at all would be the easy route, I will try to help you think outside the box. Sexual relations is very important to having more babies so it can't be cut out of your life.
While attachment parenting is important, it is ok to set your baby down every now and then as long as they baby can see you. Sight is important to babies. You and your partner also need to make constant eye contact with the baby to improve learning.
Why don't you and your husband place the baby in its boppy and put it at the foot of the bed so the baby can see both Mama and Daddy and everything you two are doing! That way the baby knows that Mama and Daddy are nearby and knows what a healthy sexual relationship looks like!!


Our next question comes from mildbrouhaha. She asks:

I'm pregnant and want to make sure that I have a birth orgasm and not any of that pesky pain from contractions. Any advice for me?

Well the first thing I want to say is that the "pesky pain" as you call it, is part of the punishment God put on us women for Eve's sin! There is no getting rid of that--But no worries, we are going to turn that pain upside-down and use it to power an Earth shaking Orgasm!!

The first rule of labor orgasms matches the rules of regular orgasms. The best way to achieve this is to place stimulation on the Prostate (The one inside you) and the clitoris (the one outside you). In cases of labor, the baby takes care of the prostate stimulation so it's up to you, your husband and your midwife to stimulate your clitoris!
You should try stimulating yourself first and if that does not work ask your midwife to help. Don't be embarrassed, she does this all the time!! If you have all three tried and still have not managed to induce orgasm, then outside tools might need to be brought in. I highly recomend "The Rabbit" as it is sized correctly for a laboring vagina (which is 6-7 times larger than a normal vagina).

Soon you will experience the most incredible orgasm you have ever had while also giving birth to a new light being! Good luck to you both!


Send your questions to themamatao@hotmail.com