15 Jokes to Play on Your Midwife/OB



Devil Dolphin knows how to make people laugh



Let's face it ladies, sometimes practitioners can be a bit glib. If your a little "touched" like me then try these fun tricks to liven them up...or render them speechless.

1) Ask them why babies don't get headaches when they are head down in the womb.

2) Tell her you had some feta-like discharge so you made a Greek salad.

3) Fake an orgasm during a pelvic exam

4) Nonchalantly mention that you had sex right before the exam--Won't be a problem will it?

5) Swish with Everclear and whisper "What's up, buttercup?" In her face as you stagger past

6) Put a small toy in you vagina and tell her that she gets one with every Happymeal. Collect all Five!

7) Talk to your vagina during the exam...

8) Raise your pitch and have your vagina talk back to you.

9) Rave about how excellent your gender reassignment surgery went.

10) Ask her "If patting the baby's back "up" makes her burp, will patting the baby's back "down" make her fart?"

11) Tell her you were not happy with your labor and you want her to help you reinsert your infant so that you may try again. ( Increase child's age for more hilarity)

12) Tell her you don't trust Dolphins to be the midwife at your birth--But would she mind if you brought one as a Doula?

13) During the examination say "My husband lost his keys the other day." Wait for a standard response and then "Could you check for them while you're looking around in there?"

14) Wear knee high lace up boots under a simple peasent skirt--Hey Midwife, take a walk on the wild side

15) If your Practitioner is a male, when he places the baby in your arms say "He looks just like you!"

The Hidden Risks of Natural Pain Relief"

By:Echo Dawndancer
Doula and Childbirth Educator



Fellow Earth Mamas,
I'm here to speak to you about something a lot of women don't even think about when planning their all natural, empowering, healing birth experiences. Did you realize that there is another person involved whose experience you may want to consider in your birth plan? No, I'm not talking about your midwife, I'm talking about the baby! Ladies, as you plan your homebirth, consider this: natural pain reduction methods harm your baby. And remember, it is never to early to start being a martyr for your baby. You're going to spend the next 28 years fostering a secure attachment and protecting your child from every slight pain or disappointment in life, why not start worrying a few minutes earlier? That's why, as a doula, I not only encourage women to forgo natural pain relief, but I actively try to increase pain in labor.
Obviously, those unfortunate mamas giving birth in hospitals don't love their babies or trust their bodies sufficiently. But what you may not know is that they are actively hurting their babies with their epidural addiction. I’ll try to make this as simple as possible. During labor, the mother’s body produces endorphins, naturally occurring opiate-like substances that influence the transmission of pain impulses. Endorphins present at the synapses of nerve cells result in the cessation of pain. Failure to release endorphins allows pain to occur. When pain medication is administered, natural endorphins are not produced. The epidural provides pain relief for the mother. This does not have the same effect on the baby (although it can depress the baby’s heart rate, etc). The endorphins produced during a non-medicated labor cross the placenta and provide pain relief to the fetus during the stress of labor and delivery. If mom isn’t making them because of an epidural, the baby can’t get it. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. I read about it in a comment on a blog. And I've since heard about it on lots of other natural birth forums. You just need to do your research.
Clearly, if ceasing endorphin release with medication is bad for baby, then so is doing so naturally. In my practice we discourage any and all natural pain relief methods, because any reduction in the pain a Birthing Goddess is intended to feel during labor - just like an epidural - will harm her baby. This long lasting damage could possibly stunt the baby's development, hinder breastfeeding, and damaging baby-mama bonding. Harmful practices include:
-birth balls
-waterbirth/dolphin assisted birth
-massage
-meditation or hypnobirthing
-breathing techniques
Rather, we look for ways to increase a woman's pain, so that she can be sure she's making the ultimate sacrifice for her soon-to-be-earthside baby. For example, I don't provide physical support for a woman during a contraction - better for her to fall over and increase pain. I find candles to be a great addition to a homebirth - they look great in your youtube birth video, and provide an opportunity for minor burns. Flogging is recommended instead of massage or meditation. Positive affirmations are discouraged, and instead we turn our attention to insults and insinuation that birthing mothers simply aren't doing things right/aren't womanly enough. Many CPMs I've worked with excel in that area. And of course, when the time to push rolls around, I insist that women stay in the lithotomy position - because what could be more torturous that being forced to deliver on your back?
Pain in labor is pain with a purpose - protecting your baby - so we need to emphasize it rather than reduce or eliminate it. One of the more popular services provided by my doula practice is that we actually do give out medals to our clients after their births. Mamas seem to really enjoy getting a hand-made commemorative award that they can display for their friends as a testament to how educated and committed they are to natural parenting. I understand that my methods are controversial even in the natural birth community, but I think as women learn to love pain in order to love their babies even more, these methods will catch on. My mantra on pain relief is "educate before you alleviate".

Guest Blog- My Dolphin Assisted Birth Rape Story

Here  at Mama Tao, you know I have a a strict no censorship policy. But sometimes friends, I must admit, a story comes along that I simply will not allow to be published in its entirity. The following story is one of those cases. Please ignore the words that have been scratched out for your saftey.

I Had always wanted a dolphin Birth. When my water broke with my latest child we went straight to the large water mammal section of the local zoo, where our midwife let us in the gate.
The water was warm and at first the dolphins were friendly but suddenly I noticed that one of them was coming at me with a huge penis! I didn't even know dolphins had penises!

I don't even want to talk about what happened next, but let's just say it's never a smart idea to get in the water with a horney beast while you have your legs splayed apart! They managed to pull me out of the water but it was too late. I don't recomend dolphin assisted birth!

Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mother Tao
 
I read this on one of the most busy, respected and authoritative natural
parent sites, our "bible in progress" if you will..
 
"I wondered if there were spirits by my side, like angels or guides.
Sure enough, just like my son's birth, they were there, I sensed this
deeply, and I made sure by asking a question. "Am I progressing?" "Yes"
came the firm, loud reply in my energy field. I felt guided and
supported. On top of that, my hips started swaying in a motion that
wasn't done consciously by my mind. When I was kneeling over my bed, my
hips started moving in a figure 8 or infinity pattern, much like belly
dancing. When I realized this, my trust in the process deepened
immensely. I knew this was my body's way of helping the baby along and
my body was responding intuitively to it with no help on "my" part. The
words "dolphin energy" popped in my head and I felt the presence of
dolphins for a moment, raising my vibrational energy, basically helping
me feel joyful and at one with the process." 
 http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1302359/isabella-violeta-is-here
 
 
DOLPHIN ENERGY!?!! I though to myself, oh wow how cool is that, but it
crossed my mind that as a vegan i should not be stealing energy from
another living being.
 
What do you think ?
 
and can you be quick cos i am pregnant and need to get my birth plan
down in good time so I can tell the baby my wishes so s\he can do it right.
 
Altriotgurl

Sounds like you have really done your research, Altriogurl!

You are right about the dolphin energy going strong especially during labor. Believe it or not, Human Labor is one of dolphin’s favorite things! They loved sending their energy out to you

Have you thought about a dolphin assisted birth? It's very much like a UC but you got out into the middle of open water to deliver instead of staying home.

You place yourself out in the middle of the ocean and wait for the Dolphins, (or whatever else is out there and can smell blood) to show up.

I assure you there is nothing sweeter than bleeding in open water with a sharp toothed, carnivorous, intelligent mammal while simultaneously personifying it down to a meak and gentle creature that “smiles” all the time.

Good luck with you energy, and TRUST BIRTH!