Umbilical Cord Rape

Imagine you're a new being--just fluttered to life. You are in a dark place that is warm and wet and the only friend you know is a cord that runs from your navel to the big loud thing you seem to live inside. You are happy.

Then one day, your world starts to rumble and quake and you know it's your time to be born (as long as you were not induced) and  you try to make your head go towards the light (as long as you are not totally plastered from your selfish mother getting high when she's supposed to be birthing you) only to be pressed and hugged by a yoni (as long as you weren't cut form your Mother like a faulty appendix).

And if you manage to be born on your own time and sober and through the Yoni---they take your precious and lovey cord, the only friend you've had through this 9 month journey, cut it off and throw it away!!

A friend of mine recently pointed out that if we consider someone massaging our Yoni's to be birth rape, how is having a child and not letting it's cord and placenta rot off naturally over a matter of weeks, not cord rape?

I think she is right, my friends. I know that this practice is only a few decades old and not one animal in the world keeps its children with the placenta attached, but it is our duty to do this for our children. We've suffered through almost 200,000 years of Cord Rape and it must stop!

I am naming today the official day of Cord Rape Awareness! Join me in pushing this theory on others.

Ask Mama Tao: The Case of The Giant Placenta

Dear Mama Tao,
I have a question that I really hope you can help me with. Do you know of any techniques that would enable me to grow a mega-placenta, or possibly just a placenta without a baby? There are so many uses for the placenta, it's too hard for me to pick just one! I want to eat it raw, eat it cooked, encapsulate it, bury it, make prints with it, let it rot all lotus-birth style, and make cuddly toys out of it. I also had an idea that I could make a baby carrier for baby-wearing from it, or maybe a cute bag to carry my cloth diapering supplies and mama-cloth. And I've been thinking about trying to lacto-ferment a placenta. I think it would taste like salami, which I miss from my pre-vegan days. I wasted the placentas from my first 7 births because I was uneducated. Knowing this now, I am wondering if my birth experiences were really fulfilling at all, and if I even love my children? I really need your help, thanks!

Dear Madam,

I am deeply worried about the relationship between you and your first seven children--considering their placenta rape, I must urge you to try again. This is why I am not willing to tell you how to grow a placenta without a baby (and there are ways). I feel that you need these extra children to heal!

As far as getting a large placenta, I have always said the best way to get more placentas is to have multiples. Many people have to go through IVF to do this but there are some NATURAL ways to get the job done!

The first thing one needs to do is make yourself ovulate more than on egg at a time. You achieve this by tracking ovulation, and squatting on the floor for as many eggs as you want released. For every squat you must  hold your breath and then release it with a giant “HUT!” as you stand up.

After you have released your eggs, like a giant featherless chicken, you need to fertilize them. Have sex with your partner 6-7 hours after you ovulate to get the best results. To make sure that every one of your precious ovum are met with their perfect sperm you must them stand on your head for 24-36 hours!

 Follow these steps and I can assure you many children and plenty of Placenta to try out all your crafts!

You CAN HAve Your Placenta and Eat It Too!

I asked, adn you readers answered--Given the popularity of Lotus birth and eating The Palcenta, Mama Tao asked for Methods of doing both. I got several good answers and wanted to shar with you!

The Uber uscholer said:

We found that the generous use of curry pastes, once the umbilical cord had rotted off, meant we could stick to the family ethos of "waste nothing, not even waste".

Crunchmaster Flash says:

After Basmati's birth, we cut the centre out of the placenta and made placenta doughnuts holes. The imagery of the doughnut hole negates the hole that you cut in the placenta, so that your baby can still enjoy the benefits of the whole thing, even though part of it is gone. That's the power of the educated mind!

And Mother X posted this. All the other mothers noticed how unnatural it was, so I am just posting it here so you all can make fun of her and call her a fake NATURE lover!

I have a perfect solution after I had Crescendo. Well as you know it was a snow-birth, so it was january. Well my MIL had given us this Ronco Food Dehydrator that she had bought from QVC. She's a hoarder and I actually saw it in her basement a few years ago, which is another post, but anyway... So I covered his placenta with herbs and salt and then when it fell off it still had that earthy aroma. So i just put it in the Ronco!! I've frozen some of the jerky I made for gifts next year (of course we ate a lot too)


Bwahahahahhahah!