The Hills are ALIVE with the sound of MUSIK

Now this is a story all about how,

Our boobs got flipped, turned upside down.

And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there,

I’ll tell you how I became the Queen of this thing called Nature.


In the west of the suburbs, born and raised,

At the chiro, is where I spend most of my days.

Lactating, AP’ing, doing yoga in the nude,

And passing out awareness cards inside of Whole Foods.


When a couple of bitches, who were up to no good,

Started bottle feeding in my neighborhood.

I gave them one little tip and they got mad.

I tell you, why can’t they see that breastfeeding is so rad?


I whistled for my pals and when they came near,

I could smell strong incense, patchouli, and their unwashed hair.

If anything, I saw that they started to fret,

But I thought, nah forget it, let’s go to Target!


We were blocking the aisles by seven or eight,

And we yelled at the shoppers, “My baby has to eat!”

Breastfeeding our babies, we were finally there,

To sit on our thrones, as the Queens of Nature.

~~ Lyrics by DJ *D*S*C

Ask Mama Tao

Dear Mama Tao:

I have such a sad tale to relate.  I was waiting at the bus stop, contemplating how lucky I am to be a birthing goddess and wondering how soon I could TTC after my HBA5C last month, when a "woman" seated on the bench next to me pulled out a bottle  and began to Formula Feed her poor infant (it wasn't even a glass bottle--it was PLASTIC!  I mean, how can one person be so UNEDUCATED??)  Naturally, I fled the area in hysterical tears, having been Proximity Raped.  Luckily, I had sewn a healing sage incense stick into the hem of my organic cotton baby sling for just this kind of emergency, and I instantly smudged DD.  But I seek a deeper cleansing ritual to try to rid my baby of toxins.  I need not tell you how important it is to create a protective aura around my rainbow child--she's the only one I've bonded with since she was my only normal birth.  ((((((((((((((Mama Honesty))))))))))))))))  I've already scheduled appointments with my holistic healer and my chiropractor, but I'm desperate for suggestions before then.  Oh, Mama Tao, can you help me????

Signed, 

Panicked in Portland

 

Dear Panicked,

Normally during a situation like this I would recommend getting pregnant as soon as possible. Considering that this child did not belong to you, I think the only way for you to ease your soul ache is to adopt this poor infant and nurse it with your own sweet milk.

One of the easiest ways to adopt a baby that is not for sale is to call Social Services. Child Protective Workers are notorious for taking children who don't have psychological issues because children who are from genuinely abusive homes are harder to adopt out.

One little erroneous call from you to CPS should get the job done and then that poor baby will be all yours to nurse and bond with. If they are going to formula feed, they should not have had kids in the first place. They don't deserve them!