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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Ask Mama Tao-Of Lice and Men

These look a lot like Crabs!

Dear Mama Tao,

I have a very big problem that I'm hoping you can help with.  My daughter has lice.  Now, I don't want to say that lice are inferior to humans or anything like that, but I'd kind of like them to live somewhere other than her head (or my head--gasp, I know that's selfish).  How can I get rid of them without hurting any of them?  I found an all natural, organic lice treatment, but it kills them just like those nasty chemicals do.  Isn't that insane?  An all natural product that KILLS?  We all know that all natural=healthy, so I think the product packaging must be false. 

Here's what we've tried:

Singing marching songs to the lice
Covering her head in breast milk

Nothing has worked.  Please help.

Signed,

Desperate


Dear Desparate,

A few years ago there was a wonderful movie that came out involving Brad Pitt's special relationship with the Buddha. It was called something like "Seven Years in Dubai" or some such nonsense. The reason I refer you is mainly that there was this one scene where the little Egyptian people were digging worms out of the dirt so the slimy critters would not die by construction!

My suggestion to you is that you get out your handy tweezers and holler a few Jainist chants:



Oh, I went down South for to see my Sal
singing Polly wolly doodle all the day
my Sal, she am a spunky gal
sing Polly wolly doodle all the day!
Then just transfer the little darlins' over to those mainstream Mamas who always be wrecking your play dates!


If you decide to go this route, please for the love of Goddess, film it and send it to me!


~Mama Tao~

Friday, April 29, 2011

Patho Phizz!

Just giving another shout out of love to our very special friends over at Patho Phizz. I don't have a pic of me wearing their lovely critter covered fabrics, but I do have one of our Archenemy Mr. Dr. Zdogg wearing his.


Zdogg shows off his Botulism
 Ain't he adorable, (for an evil medmonster)?

Anywhodiddlywhoo, please stop over at their place of domain name employment and check out they Scrubs!

Who is The Mama Tao?

Mama Tao believes in Peace, Love and that you should be spayed if you disagree with her!

Q: Who is The Mama Tao?
A: I'm a 29 year old Mother of seven who is studying to be a house wife while also annoying other women on the Internet by denouncing their birthing choices. I even like to scour twitter looking for C-section mothers and berate them publicly. Strangely enough I also fight for womyn's rights.
Q: Where did that dumb ass name come from?
A: I had hard time finding like-minded Taoists once I transformed into a professional breeder, and I started to feel that Taoism and motherhood could be considered mutually exclusive.  I chose the name "The Mama Tao" to prove that even those of us who reproduce can still be concerned Taoists
Q: But wait – I thought Taoism meant staying out of other peoples Bizzness?
A: Don’t be a fuck--you fuck! Where do you think the Taoists of the future will come from if the Taoists of today aren’t pooping them out left and right?  Do you think Bruce Lee is a good example of womyn in Taoism ?  Goddess Bless!

Q: What other things do you like to do with your time and actions?

A: I am in love with forcing my opinions of  natural birth, breastfeeding, and choices in midwifery on other women, even if it means tracking them down and standing outside their windows.  Without me womyn will never be able to make their own choices and that angers me.

Q: Okay Dokey,  what IS a Taoist?
A: Hells Bells if I know. Google it!



Q: I’m curious, How many people read this stupid blog?
A: Lots! I have 23,342 twitter followers, 3 FB friends and 389 subscribers for a grand total of over a million people!
 Q: Why do you call your husband "That little Bitch of a Man"?
A: Because I run this billy goat. I call um like I see um, K?
Q: Is that your NATURAL hair color?
A: OH MY GOD YES! DISHWATER IS MY NATURAL COLOR. MY DOG, STOP ASKING YOU PICKLED PEENS
Q: Hey, you look a lot like a Hooker that used to stroll down on 67th street. Was that you?
A: yes I was a simi-professional hooker until a bout of the clap took me out in 03'. I was lucky to work with some great girls like Kate Moss and Jenny McCarthy!
Q: What do you want to be when you finish breeding?
A: Rich, bitches. I am currently taking Gloria Lemay's online midwifery classes and enjoying the days of googling my homework.
Q: You have the dumbest readers and I’d like to snatch they asses up by advertising on your blog.  Can I do that?
A: Probably.  If  you agree with everything I say then why then hell not. Make me some money and I'll play your little "ad" game. Contact me at themamatao@hotmail.com
Q: I can't stop thinking about you, can I contact you?
A: Yes. See Above

Please Remember that REAL Feminism is having the RIGHT to boldly mock another woman!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Thank God I'm a NATURAL girl!

Ladies and Misogynists,

We have a goal here at the Mama Tao and that goal is to fight those who are seeking to fight our very precious NATURE and attempt to somehow live longer and healthier lives. Do we fight NATURE here at Mama Tao? No! We embrace NATURE!

In honor of that Idea I'd like for you to take a journey with me, through the passage of time, and Enjoy a visual and hear-sual trip back into the past, to a world that I would like to see return to us! Please press play on the video and scroll down. Feel free to sing along!




video

We want a world free of Vaccines!



Thank God I'm a NATURAL Girl!

We Want A World Without Birth Control!

Thank God I'm a NATURAL Girl!

We Want a World With Hairy Women!
Thank God I'm a NATURAL Girl!

We Want a World Filled with Sexy British Men!

Or....maybe that's just me!


Whatever, screw you guys, I'm Ovulating!

Ask Mama Tao


Dear Mama Tao,

I would like to give Deadtree a sibling and with the next birth, regain my birth goddessness. As you know, I previously had to rebirth Deadtree and feel this next birth will complete it the ceremony (Deadtree will be catching the baby when it arrives earthside).

 My question is, what can I put in my Yoni to prevent high blood pressure? Of course, everyone knows that the Yoni holds the key to health and happiness.

Thank you,

Mother of Deadtree and hopefully, Deadhorse

Dear Mother to Deadtree and hopefully Deadhorse,

First might I say that the names you have bestowed upon your children remind me of a certain 90s movie called Tombstone and I adore that. Seeing as how that has nothing to do with blood pressure I have digressed.

The following is my personal remedy for high blood pressure. Remember it is important to use Turkey and not sub beef:


  • l to 1 1/2 pounds turkey tenders or cutlets
  • 2 tablespoons taco seasoning
  • 2 cloves garlic, finely minced
  • 1 cup chunky salsa (your choice of heat)(But remember it is a yoni)
  • 1/2 cup peach or apricot preserves

Place all the items in the vagina and cook at 98.6 degrees for 7 days. Remember that your Vagina is a crock pot so everything you cook is eatable!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This is How We (Should ) Do It!

video


The recent fight with the Creamy Mama's  and Guggie lovers has brought us some very good examples of the proper way to fight. I love each and every one of you for stepping in and giving Mama Tao some love, but I have to admit that many of you were using facts and logic to fight these womyn.

While we fought the good fight, I have to admit that we lost this round and here is why...We don't know how to fight like they do. Our problems is that we try to reason with them when clearly the point of an argument is to make them feel bad and attack their personal choices and especially their children.

That last one being a trick of such vile nature that even I'm not going to touch it. despite what the haters say, I will only ever attack what a person says in a public forum or medium. Your beliefs and families and children will be kept out of it. And I mean this.

However that does not mean that YOU , my dear followers can't learn a bit about how to fight from the comments that I, Jade Jymson, received from the thread. Here are a few ideas ladies:

aww, you gotta hate on Guggie.. you must be super jealous, or better yet, super bored, to sit and write a blog about someone who helps hundreds of ppl everyday... you muct feel like a super douche... wow, get a life and do somethign constuctive with your time

Jade, you and your thuggish followers are nothing but Sh!t on the bottom of a shoe. You're a sad, sorry excuse for mama. I pity your sorry children for having a mama that is such a disgrace. I guess you posted this for popularity, mean girl. Hopefully I'm blessed to never stumble upon your blog again! ~ Peaceful Mama

That is what you like to attract, right? Like attracts like. Look at you, willing to sell out your own cheerleaders. Your '7 viral vectors' would truly be blessed had you miscarried or aborted them. Maybe we should do the world a huge favor; sew you mouth and vagina shut! Now that would gain notable applause! ;)  ~ Sleeping Giant

See? Are those not some lovely comments? That is how we do it ladies. Read and learn!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Babies Die In Hospitals

By Soleil Moon
I have recently heard that there is a movement starting of women that are blaming their babies death on homebirth (with great midwives). This really concerns me.These women have to be lying. Babies live by being born at home. Hospitals and evil doctors are what kills babies. Midwives are well trained and educated and never make mistakes, ever. To blame midwives or homebirth for your child dying is downright disgusting. Every time a baby dies, it is because it was destined to die and could not of been prevented. Death is as natural as life.

Now, minions, if a mother insists that her baby died because of a midwife or homebirth, make sure you erase all mentions of it anywhere you can. These fabricated stories must be erased from existence. As long as they are erased, they cannot continue. If the mother starts her own cause whether it's a blog or facebook or twitter- make sure you are there. Call her out on her fabricated story. Let her know that you are on to the lies! If she continues, gently remind her that SHE failed. Make her second guess herself and feel badly. Our job is not done until she is broken and fully accepted that either her baby's death was unpreventable or that the death lies 100% on her shoulders.

If we can keep fighting these "homebirth loss moms", we will make them go away so that they cannot tarnish the very things that we hold so dear. After all, what are a few dead babies when we have the freedom to have our babies any way we want with providers who will tell women yes when everyone else has told her no??? Stop trying to use images of death, sad mothers, or sad fathers to stop women from having birthing choices. Seeing an infant in a casket isn't that big of a deal! You got your birth, now let us have ours!

Spit Fire and Hell-Pampers!!!

A few weeks ago, we asked if you thought Home birth was getting too popular with the mainstream set. Well as it turns out, Home birth has become so damned popular that mainstream diaper company, Pampers is riding on our hairy yonis and populating the idea that anyone can have a home birth. We all know this is not the case but check out this video!

Like anyone who gives birth in a fecal filled pool is going to grace their baby's sweet ass with the likes of a chemically produced, earth killing, disposable diaper? WTF? The last thing that Home birth needs is Pampers!

I spent the afternoon crash calling their US office at 1-800-Pampers and telling them I was going to queef in their pudding if they didn't pull the ad. I suggest you do the same. I also know that my blog is filled with Pro-Science Spies who will call pampers and yell about the CDC and the findings that Home birth has 2xs the amount of death rates as a hospital birth and I hope that you do! Ha! We need to get this thing off the air before no one cares that I am a Birth Goddess!!

(Press 0 to talk to a human)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Feminism Today

By Mother X
I like to think that my purpose here earthside is to educate others, who are unfortunate enough to be uninformed and who just follow orders from THE MAN their whole lives, like a blind, male, unquestioning sheep would!! There’s a topic that all of us womyn can agree on and that is feminism! Feminism - it’s about the choices we make as individual womyn. I’d like to outline a few points about feminism so you don’t have to learn a man’s version of this.

1) Feminist womyn DO NOT shave their legs!! PLEASE remember this. However, IF you have some sort of medical condition that forces you to submit to the Opressive Blade of Man, please blog about it so the rest of us do not get confused by your brand of alternative feminism.

2) NO MEDICINE! ANY type of medical treatment ESPECIALLY those having to do with your sacred Yoni, are INVENTED BY MEN!! Real Womyn do not concern themselves with the scientific branches that come up with these little money maker pills. Feminist womyn LIVE with the conditions and variations of normal that Her Highness has seen fit to give us! I myself endured three empowering bouts with Blue Waffle Disease UNCOMPLICATED by antibiotics. The Goddess has given us all we need to heal right within our own bodies, be it eating placenta for “baby blues”, or drinking your urine for “cancer.”

3) Barefoot and pregnant IS a womyn’s place. Now I know what you’re thinking here - isn’t that what feminism is against? Well yes, if you’ve sheepishly swallowed what the MAN CENTERED SOCIETY calls feminism! Of course they want to come up with an excuse to prevent you from being at their beck and call, and to cause you to deny the reason for your existence, which of course IS to make babies, as many as possible. To be a feminist, you have to be feminine at all times and do what Her Highnesses created you to do!! Birth naturally and NEVER allow the Fruit of your Yoni to languish alone in a bed or lay on the carpet.

4) Fight the POWER!! That’s right! When someone presents you with “scientific” evidence, it’s proof that they want to control you and coerce you into non-free-thinking activities like wearing shoes, getting shots, epidurals, or learning what THE MAN wants you to learn at their institutes of male domination. Do the EXACT opposite of what they say so you too can be empowered!

5) Spread the word!! If you want to help your fellow sisters, intervene in all cases when you see someone trying to spread dirty lies, ZDoggMD for instance - with his medical interventions and “health” concerns. Any information given by someone educated at a male dominated institute of “higher learning” has an agenda that seeks to keep us down! The most modern feminist do this via Twitter. If you see someone on your twitter feed mentions getting ready to get a shot, INTERVENE! If some poor womyn has been LIED to and her husband mentions her being wheeled into the OR for a ‘necessary’ C-Section, INTERVENE! There are absolutely no good reasons for either of these scenarios to be occurring. Immediately point out the wrongness of these situations!

With a little thoughtfulness and logic we CAN take the world back from the MEN who want to hold us down!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Homebirth is Safer Than Going to the Dentist--Monday Redo-sday



I’m going to level with you friends, and fellow NATURE nuts. We are getting to the point in our history where we might finally be able to take birth back into our own hands. Homebirths are on the rise as our sisters’ force the medical establishment--with their facts and logic--to pry their sticky and greedy hands off of our collective vaginas.
But there are those out there that doubt their own bodies and try to force that doubt on us. Many people refuse to bow to the beauty of homebirth and continue to insist that it’s a dangerous and archaic practice that forces women to be in hours of stressful pain. They could not be further from the truth.
We here at the Mama Tao know that the pain of childbirth is ours to endure because of the acts of evil committed by Eve in the Garden of Eden…and we believe that every woman deserves this experience for herself. Your child’s birth will be the single most important thing you do in your life. No other moment will live up to this and if you screw it up , you will regret it eternally.
To prove to you doubters once and for all that childbirth is safe, I’d like to go over some facts with you. Going to the dentist is more dangerous than homebirth! Yes, I said it and I can prove it.
What is the first thing a dentist puts in your teeth when you have a cavity? If you said amalgam, you’re correct. But what exactly IS amalgam? I’ll tell you.
Amalgam is MERCURY! That’s right. When you open up your mouth for that dentist, he fills your busted tooth hole with Satan’s own piss! According to Wikipedia Mercury is “the only metal that is liquid at standard conditions for temperature and pressure;”
That’s right friends! Mercury is LIQUID at room temperature—how unnatural is that? And how exactly does that relate to homebirth? Let me tell you.
The risk of infant death in homebirth is 2.7 for every 1000 babies born. That seems like a lot, but it’s not when you compare it to the damage done by a dentist. For every 1000 people who get amalgam fillings 1000 people get exposed to Mercury! That’s right folks—you are a bizillion times more likely to be exposed to mercury than you are to lose you baby during a home birth—and those my friends, are the facts.
*sources http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercury_(element)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

What's So Offensive About Guggie? An Easter Story

While most of us are all busy shunning Nestle' this Easter Season, Mr. Guggie Daly of The Daily Guggie Daly, has been pissing off Christian and C-section Mama's left and right. Why the fuss? Apparently Ms. Daly has compared the Crucifixion  of Christ to C-Sections, Circumcision, Miscarriages and Vaccinations. Yes, many Mama's have been left feeling like Cookie Monster singing "One of these things is not like the other things" Meanwhile she had taken liberties with a popular hymn and used it for her advantage.

I also like to play this game, so in defense of Guggie I have made my own offensive comparisons!

For Example:

This...

Baby born during C-Section
Is like this...


Rape Victim
This...


Birth Control Pills
Is like this..

German Chart showing how the Eugenics program could save the German Race
But most importantly that this:
Is like this:


As you can see, all of these things are very much the same. I think Guggie would feel that way too. Have I offended anyone? I doubt it. Perhaps it's because I have tact pity for your eyeballs. Go on over and check out Guggie's post though. She won't have pity on you.

Ads, Donations and Sexy Pathogen Scrubs!

Mama Tao REALLY wants some Ebola Scrubs!

Many of you know that as a result of my burning down the vaccine plant last winter, all the proceeds from my blog have to go to Doctors Without Borders. When I first set up the blog, a few of you haters out there reported me and got me in all types of shit with the Blogger Man. Well, I'm back now bitches and hopefully we should start seeing some ads in the next few days.

Do you want to help a good cause and have your ad run for free on my blog? Send me a picture of a receipt or other proof that you have donated $$$ to Doctors Without Borders and I'll run three free posts about your product/blog/business on The Mama Tao. I get roughly 500-1000 hits a day, so you'll get seen and it helps a good cause(I get even more than that if I post more than once a day, but I'm a lazy tart)! I will also give you the free posts if you have worked for Doctors Without Borders as a Doctor, Nurse or Layperson. Just remember I cuss like a Drunk and prolly will fill your ad with the same.

I have promised some wonderful Twitter friends a Free ad, So this example of what your donation can get your fine ass!
                                                             



                                                    ****************
Patho Phizz Scrubs: Made by Artists and a Nurse (So they tell me)


Some Friends on Twitter have turned me on to these Sexy Vector Scrubs. We can't be all Anti-Vaxx without being Pro-Pathogens now can we? These lovely scrubs come in many different bacteria and virus patterns (They have everything from E-Coli to Candida, whateverthehellthatis) If they got an Ebola scrub set I'd prolly die of glee (Hint Hint: See above picture for inspiration!)

Here is what they have to say about themselves:

Patho Phizz is the brainchild of Ben Parks and Marti Bein, a couple of
artists with a vision: cover the teeming masses with teeming pathogens!
Ben, who also works as a critical care nurse at the local regional
hospital, traces his original inspiration back to his days in
Microbiology 101--entranced by the beauty of bugs under the microscope.
Surely these images could be used creatively. Then, graduation from
nursing school, and that fateful first shopping spree to buy scrubs for
work. Alas! A dearth of unique, aesthetically pleasing, and
conceptually interesting scrubs with which to adorn one's self! Sponge
Bob? Nay! Khaki? Ka-Ka! Pansies and butterflies? Please pass the
bedpan! In late 2009, Ben, Marti, and Ben's daughter Aurora started
playing around with micrographs of pathogens and pathologies, enhancing
colors, patterning them with the aid of computer graphics software.
Marti, a painter, offered pointed criticism and suggestions. Aurora, in
addition to making some beautiful patterns, came up with fabulous ideas
for future products (how about pajamas with REM sleep pattern strips as
the stripe element, Pa?). We made a couple of prototypes and we thought
they had promise. Ben wore an early E. coli to work one day, followed
by a pulmonary embolism pattern. His co-workers were intrigued. Sure,
I'd buy that. Okay, thought us: Let the contagion begin!


As many of you know, I have spent my life trying to get MMR put on the endangered Species list, so buying these scrubs can only help people understand how very very cute these little critters are! And you know the kiddies will love them too.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Checking In With Our Contest

So the Mama Tao site has been a live with young, green Mama's rapping they hearts out against each other and a Mr. Dr. ZdoggMD. Today I'd like to give you a seek peek at what I feel is the very best we have gotten from our lovely readers.



Tupac was breastfed
Amy became a medium for Tupac in the Other World, and he seems to have a lot to say about Vaccines. She/Tupac Writes:

Here's my attempt to get my vax on, yo.... (It helps if you think of Tupac while reading it...)

Oh, what glory art thou you hairy-legged granola
Upon organic cotton kneepads you pray to Mercola
You deny Pasteur's theory like some chiro from Pensacola
Next time we'll send you to clean up the Ebola



Using useless foot baths said "toxins" you purge
Like an old-timey nitwit on magic water you splurge
Add a dash and a half of Allegheny Mountain Spurge
Which you hear is dang good at clearing up any scourge



It's a shame that your son's matrilineal sib
Had to mainline the antibiotics after a case of the HiB
Because you didn't vax and still manage to be glib
But you ain't Harry Potter, just a silly old squib



Your profile pic is your guns, and corvettes
Now you seem to be blonds but you were once brunettes
Detox that hair dye with raw milk meant only for pets
Talk so much nonsense that I think you might have Tourettes



And you'll convince other fools to overdose on the D
Even though you don't have any medical degree
But you went to community college and took accounting, you see
So you dole out the woo while clearly drunk on chablis



And I will scoff at the liters of coconut water
That you pour down their throats 'cuz some anti-science blogger
Told you it could prevent the same kind of slaughter
From the virus that killed Roald Dahl's 7 year old daughter



And your kids will bite mine at the preschool down the hill
'Cuz you were so busy detoxing that their manners are ill
I'll vaccinate mine and rely on others' goodwill
While you put your kids' lives in the hands of a snake oil shill

Word to the vaxxin' muthas...


Jay-Z likes the Womyn with the Hairy legs.

Our good friend Earthshod took her inspiration from rapper Jay-Z and his song. She writes:

If you're havin' germ problems, I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 problems, but a vaxx ain't one.

I got...
Babes with rotavirus shittin' out they ears,
Flu season in my family lasting 18 years.
But, I'm educated, hey can't you see?
My kids know they hepatitis A, B, C's
Before they reach my knees,
So, nigga, please.
Hit me!
I'd text 'bout my polio party if I could move my thumbs.
I got 99 problems but a vaxx ain't one

I got...
No access to my booze 'cause my cabinets have locks,
But I don't give a damn if my kids get the pox.
Small? Chicken? It don't matter.
Spreadin' rubella and pertussis like idle chatter.
Measles is for weasels and the mumps is for chumps.
I got 99 problems, but a vaxx ain't one.
Hit me!
99 problems, but a vaxx ain't one.


Earthshod also asks that we go here, hit vote and search for "Earthshod". Give her some thumbs up :)

Young MC was a fan of Anti-vax

Lastly, we are graced with a lovely rendition of "Bust a Move" By our very own Sister Gypsymilk:

Bust it...

This here's a jam for all all the mamas
Doing just what our chiros tell us
Don't get shots cuz they're overzealous
Catch chickenpox, your friends are jealous

Okay smarty, influenza party
Kids are hacking up phlegm and super snotty
But you did all your research on the web - whale.to!
And you're so not afraid of a childhood flu

Next day's function
Homeschool luncheon
Vegan's served but your panties are bunchin'
Kids sit down and they start to play
But the toys are all toxic so you say, "No way."

A kid start's coughin'
Moms start gawkin'
One sits next to you and starts talkin'
Says she treats her kids with some remedies
So she's not so worried 'bout invasive disease

An evil mission, doctor's dishin'
Drugs that cause a mental condition
Lookin' for health in all the wrong places
Shot-up kids are spectrum cases

From frustration, first inclination
Is to join MDC and decry the situation
But every good mama knows she's in the right
Keeping her kids safe from allopathic blight

Mercola's showin'
So you're goin'
Bring along the playsilks you're sewin'
Yurt gets dark just to start the show
And you spot a Real Mama sitting in your row
She eats organic
Birth's orgasmic
Man's "restored" and she doesn't do plastic
Says her kids have Hib but it's all just fine
Cuz' righteous mamas know these things are all benign


Do you think you could rhyme these Yoni's under the table? Submit your own rap in the comments here.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Why I'm Opting Not to have My Son's Mouth Fixed


There comes a  time in the life of every Hippie, when we have to decide exactly how far we are willing to take our convictions. If I were to sit here and tell you that I was a NATURAL Mama, and then I went on to wash my toilet with Clorox(TM) or to eat food that came from a gas station, you would no longer trust or adore me as you leader in all things NATURAL in parenting.

Recently, after the birth of my Seventh child, Stone, I was saddened to find that our nursing relationship was traumatic and stressed. Little Stone seemed to be having trouble eating. I took him to see my holistic dentist, who diagnosed him with a common childhood issue. Little Stone has a tied tongue.

As you can see, it's flippin' pretty tied! My dentist offered to clip it for me but in a  moment of clairvoyance I refused. Using the Windshield Wiper Method of Divination, I was told by the Goddess to leave my little one as NATURE intended. Thus, Stone is still having issues eating. I have taken to squirting the milk in his mouth from across the room.

Why have I made such a choice? It is about choice. It's about my choice and I have to be subculture. I HAVE TO BE! I'll tell you why. I would not be the Mama I am if it were not for the Graces of NATURE. Who would I be if I allowed myself to make any unnatural choices in my life? I am either NATURAL or I am NOTHING. And so the child will live off squirted milk or he will not. I leave it to his true Mother. Mother NATURE.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Exciting competition !!!

Guest Blog By Elderberry


No Longer Enough !!


We anti vaxxers must move with the times!!

Waving placards, screaming on court steps trying to look like there are load on us when the news cameras are rolling, frothing all over parenting forums and blogs....it's just not enough anymore.

A new media is taking the wrong message to the people, and it is very seductive to the young, which is terrible considering that watching the video transmits theta particle rays that convince people to go out and get immunized !!



We do not have a huge Big Pharma conspiracy pay off at our disposal in the manner of ZDoggMD, so we can't make a big budget video like he did, but where there is a will there is a way !!

Considering how many of our children are unschooled there is a whole sea of creativity just waiting to be tapped, so today we announce a competition for the Anti ZdoggMD Anti vax response.

The winner will received detailed construction tips to make a placenta teddy !!


A natural mama's firm favorite !

Please leave your rap in the comments for judging.

Please see the "No you can't" video response to Will.I.AM's "Yes, we can" for inspiration, we need to reach for the stars just like the McCain camp did !


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Umbilical Cord Rape


Imagine you're a new being--just fluttered to life. You are in a dark place that is warm and wet and the only friend you know is a cord that runs from your navel to the big loud thing you seem to live inside. You are happy.

Then one day, your world starts to rumble and quake and you know it's your time to be born (as long as you were not induced) and  you try to make your head go towards the light (as long as you are not totally plastered from your selfish mother getting high when she's supposed to be birthing you) only to be pressed and hugged by a yoni (as long as you weren't cut form your Mother like a faulty appendix).

And if you manage to be born on your own time and sober and through the Yoni---they take your precious and lovey cord, the only friend you've had through this 9 month journey, cut it off and throw it away!!



A friend of mine recently pointed out that if we consider someone massaging our Yoni's to be birth rape, how is having a child and not letting it's cord and placenta rot off naturally over a matter of weeks, not cord rape?

I think she is right, my friends. I know that this practice is only a few decades old and not one animal in the world keeps its children with the placenta attached, but it is our duty to do this for our children. We've suffered through almost 200,000 years of Cord Rape and it must stop!

I am naming today the official day of Cord Rape Awareness! Join me in pushing this theory on others.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Who We Are--The Wonderful Staff Of Mama Tao--Part I

Jade Jymson

Jade " Mama Tao " Jymson
Jade, Jymson was raised in New York city, although she would later grow to hate all man made cities, she had somewhat of a happy childhood. She is a Certified Practicing Midwife (CPM), Doula (DONA), Direct Entry Midwife (DEM) and WebMD. She lives in Newton, Mass with her husband and 6 children.


Elderberry Wienham Smythe Jones

Elderberry Wienham Smythe Jones

Elderberry lives in Basingstoke with her soon to be ex-husband Qwenton and their four children. She studies Breastfeeding and Freebirthing at Google University. She is a master debater and Unschools all of her very fine Children as well as nurses her entire family

 

River Raintree

River Raintree

River Raintree is a Usui Reiki Master and frequent contributor to NPR's Mama Hour. She, her husband, and her four children live in Pahrump, Nevada, where she is working through the traumatic extraction of her quadruplets with shaman and healer, Pat Hoyschiester.
Soleil Moon


Soleil Moon
Soleil and her partner, Brewster,  raise their 8 children in San Fransisco, where they own an earth friendly book store. They also host pregnancy, childbirth, nutrition, and breastfeeding classes in the backroom. Their children are Sunshine (7 months), Mary Jane (2), Hendrix (4), Marley (6), Punky(8), Jerry (11), Jimi (11), and Flower (13). All of her children were born with no assistance, including her transverse twins and were breastfed until they weaned themselves!

The Masked Mama
The Masked Mama
Who is the Masked Mama? We are not really sure. Perhaps she is a real person, or maybe she is just a symbol of the Mama we all wish we could be!
Elm Woodfairy


Elm Woodfairy
Elm Woodfairy is an expert in natural conception and infertility treatments. She is the only certified Mantea Ritual Practitioner (MRP) outside of South Africa. She is very much looking forward to investigating MamaTao’s chocolate pessary libido stimulation once her first child is old enough to be brought out if the birthing hut, at about 7 years of age depending on the moon cycle. Elm is currently on the run from the law, and will remain so until "the man" accepts the righteousness of her practices. Until such time, she can be reached via her good friend Syan Schmyance.




Uber Unschooler
The Uber Unschooler
Does not do biographies because they  are coercive!






Rhodondron Mistyton
Rhodondron Mistyton
Rho is a homebirth midwife, childbirth educator, and lactivist who lives off-grid in a Tumbleweed home wherever her services are needed. She believes so firmly that everyone should have access to a goddess midwife, she will move to your town if you need one and can't find one! She is also a renowned interpretive dancer and Photoshop artist who uses her immense talent to further the cause of natural living. She has been a birthing goddess for over a decade, with her adoring children Water, Fish, Ram, Bull, twins Gem & Ni, Crab, Lion, Virgin, Scales, Scorpion, Archer, and Seagoat.


Moonlight searched for truffles
Misti Mountain
Mountain is a former pathologist who made a mid-life career change to be a homeopath, osteopath, naturopath and pathfinder. She tirelessly scours the internet to help women live fuller, more natural and more directional lives. Her book “Going My Way” describes this journey and she will send you a photocopy for $19.85. She has trained her all-natural and well-oriented daughter, Moonlight in Vermont, to help her gather herbs for use in her practice and delectable truffles for her organic home delivery business.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Monday Redos-day- My Birth Rape Story

Yet again, dear readers, we delve into the deep dark past and pull out my personal tale of woe. Enjoy.




There are those of you out there who might be pregnant and on the brink of making the choice between a NATURAL birth and one of those nasty and dangerous hospital births. I understand that not everyone is able to give birth at home ( for whatever selfish and hateful reasons you may have for risking your perfect birth in a place that never sees NATURAL birth), so I wanted to scare you with my own epidural story.
The truth is friends, I was birth raped by an evil ana “skeezi”oligist! When I found the pain of my (totally induced) labor too painful, I finally broke down and asked for the nasty narcotic cocktail! When the man (who invited a man to my birth?) showed up, he gave me a piece of paper to sign that was threatening to me! It stated that if I did not sit still he would miss my spine and give me a “headache or even death”!
At this point my friends, I was too scared to tell him to stop and he shoved his toxic, narcotic needle in my spine…yes, he spine raped me…
So take this as a warning, friends, when you go to that big, ugly hospital of unnatural intervention…remember me and my tale!
Please feel free to e-mail me your own Birth Rape stories at themamatao@hotmail.com

Ask Mama Tao- Bonding, Prolapsed Uteri and Salt Water Birth


Dear Mama Tao, I absolutely have to return to work eight weeks after my son's birth because my family will starve otherwise. Will my bond with him be forever destroyed if he has to get pumped milk in bottles?
--Brandi

Dear Brandi,
Why did you have kids? Seriously? There is a whole Nile River filled with Crocodile dung you could have shoved up your Yoni to keep your baby box free of fetuses, but you chose to bring life into this world and now you want me to help you figure out how to be a super womyn with a  job and a well bonded baby? I think not.
Of course your bond with your child is going to go to hell. How could it not? It is your babies RIGHT to have his Mother's breast milk (from her breast) until he is 2 years old. Considering you're going to starve if you don't go back to work the only thing I can tell you to do is to hire a wet nurse or to have your husband lactate. The relationship between you and your baby might be gone, but at least the child can bond with someone. Please don't write me again. You depress me.


Dear Mama Tao,
I am now done having kids, my 9 children bring me so much love and their births were the high points in my life. But here is my problem, I have prolapse organs, and find it hard to keep all my business "inside" do you have any natural remedies that could help me? I would much appreciate it!
Lappsy

Dear Lappsy,
As Elderberry once told me, "[r]eal womyn have prolapsed organs and the true test of a womyn is when she sits down to pee and her lady bits take a dunk in the potty" (This was before she had started NATURAL squatting). Either way I urge you not to undo the glorious gift NATURE has given you. Take to your creative side and make art projects that inspire you with your Uterus (Remember sponge painting? Try Uterus painting!)
The good Goddess never intended for us to remain lovely and tight our entire lives. Embrace your Crone phase and all the glories that come with it!



Dear Mama Tao,
How can I prevent sharks from eating my placenta during my Great Barrier Reef water birth? I need to keep the placenta to make smoothies with.
 Lil' Swimmer

Dear Lil' Swimmer,
I was wondering when my readers were going to get creative and start mixing and matching ideas of when and with whom to give birth. The Great Barrier Reef Birth sounds wonderful and I am almost jelious of you. A sharked attended--saltwater birth sounds like a good way to raise your endorphines and give you the NATURAL pain relief that is all one requires.
Pictured above is a "Shark Cage" and I'd imagine with a little creative thinking you will be able to come up with some type of cage that will not allow your lovely palcenta (or Baby) to float to the bottom of the ocean to be gobbled up by the Chondrichthyes.